Lesbian married to a man?

No worries. I'm hard to offend!

There was no other woman involved. It was more of a vague sense of something not being right, not fully connected. Oddly enough, I actually had a dream about 4 years ago that was my light bulb moment. It connected pieces of me that I didn't realize weren't connected. I actually adore my husband and he is the greatest friend I've ever had. I think those feelings are what I mistakenly thought were romantic love and sexual attraction when we were first together. We would have been awesome friends if we had never been involved romantically and now I get to raise my children with someone who is my best friend even if the rest of the marriage isn't what it is supposed to be. But, to wrap back up to your question, no, there wasn't another woman that made me realize.

 

I'm not married with kids but I have come to the realization that there's a good chance I would never be happy in a relationship with a man. I am dodging labels for the moment, because to label myself would feel so final, and I am just not sure at this point what I am.

My romantic/sexual attraction to a woman feels liberating and energizing, while my attempts at relationships with men have been confusing and nerve wracking. I find myself far more attracted to womens bodies (it feels odd even typing that).

When I'm in this self-dialogue I think about the movie But I'm a Cheerleader!. She's all thinking that her thoughts toward women are what everyone thinks. She's touchy-feely with women, but still has a token boyfriend that she goes through the motions with. That has been me pretty much my whole life.

I love men, but I wouldnt say I am equally attracted to them... or even attracted to them at all. The wrench for me in questioning is that I am attracted to just ONE woman. Maybe shes the catalyst though. Time will hopefully tell.

 

Well, op, the obvious question that i have (that's probably been asked before) is whether you find the things you find attractive about men simply that, or whether you still feel any romanctic/sexual attraction towards men.

For me I've never really questioned my attraction to women, as I've always found something lovable in all of them, yet I've seen how other men can be attractive, but that is more something I notice whenever I actually look at people. There's also nothing wrong about noticing all of the other things about a man that can make them attractive (good personality, intelligent).

The difference maker for me is who I can picture myself being with: I can picture myself being with a man, but only as a friend, even though he may be attractive. With a few exception, I can see myself being with a girl I see as attractive, maybe as a friend, or even a girlfriend.

Hopefully this will help you op, and maybe you can find the right person to make your decision more clear.

 

(*hug*)
Hi, I don't know where else to post this but I found so many similar stories in this thread. I will definitely be replying to a lot of them, but just wanted to post real quick here to get it off my chest. I, too, am married, 5 years next month, we even moved across the country together 4 years ago and are quite isolated in a small town, but happy with lots of animals (out in the countryside). We have been sort of emotionally pulling apart the past few years, we are each other's best friend as we know only a few people such as on the fire department as we are also volunteers, so we have some really great friends, but not the sort you can, you know, unload things with. I have not had a close friend in many years, so we drawn together, get along like when going shopping in town or to a movie.
Anyway, about a year and a half ago I had to take my new kitten to the vet, emergency, so mine was closed and tried this other one, since it was the first to let us come in. The dr. is about my age, her energy is just amazing so I knew I was drawn to her right away, so I went back one more time for the follow up on the kitten and I was smitten, so I didn't go back, even after I dreamed of her, so I even got taken off the mailing list so I wouldn't see her photo at the bottom of the emails.
I had been in a relationship from the time I was 16-21 with guys, broke up with two and remained single without even more than maybe 2 dates in 5 years. In that time I got a crush on the librarian, even saw her every Monday, to borrow cds, then came out to 4 of my friends that also lived in that town. The girl I liked never knew, so I finally sorta gave up, but wanted one of my friends to sorta go with me to these lgbt meetings in the next town, or at least to this bookstore just to check it out, I was totally shy in my twenties, but better if a friend was around.
Well, I get an email for the first time from a guy interested in me, I had known his mom years before, we emailed, talked and he always returned my calls, wanted to meet and so we did and I was no longer alone for the first time in 5 years, now we are married and he is very kind, lets me yell about nothing, does chores, buys me stuffed animals the whole bit, but we are already out of things to talk about, we have fun watching movies, but talking even about daily stuff is just about out of the question.
So, I tried, I have kissed 2 girls and loved it, always dreamed of more and never found it, now this girl is in my life at least as long as I have sick pets or they need vaccines, I love every moment I can look at her, talk to her. She is just a normal girl that is a veterinarian, well I am pretty sure she is into girls, even my husband mentioned that out of the blue one day. I told him I dreamed her and I were friends, and you know how that feeling sticks, he knows I am lonely of a girl to talk to and hangout with.. The sad thing is his mom left his dad for a woman so there is no way possible to talk to him, he won't even talk about the dog being sick other than we have to take her at such and such time, he used to talk and be close and now we arent but now that she is around in my mind, we don't fight, but I can feel how it isnt just me feeling the loss of closeness or because of feelings that have just begun to again bud.
But, I dreamed also she was over and left me her number and address and I was excited she liked me too. I hope she can like me, I don't know what it will do to my life, but what I am saying is I am not going to leave my husband to date girls, I tried to do that, but I totally believe in connections, that my heart sores when she looks at me. When she had to tell me my dog is very sick I started crying, sorta stopped the flirting I had been oozing as we talked about my guinea pig (he is fine). She never left as most ppl would do, she waited, then handed me some tissues and sat down on the floor with me and my dog to tell me what we can do and was so sympathetic with her advice (my husband was out of town that week for work). I was already infatuated with her before this, its like the dream unlocked damns of emotion and all I wanted to do on that last visit was give her my chapbook of poetry that I hand out sometimes and some business cards so maybe she would find me. I found her on an fb but she doesn't appear to really use it, so I am afraid to try and friend her. I wonder if that is ok, to be friends with your pets dr, I dont see why not, I was when I lived back home.
Anyway, how do I somehow start a friendship with her? I am not going to like blurt anything about having a crush, but we have things in common outside of pets and being the same age, we both like scifi fantasy and it is hard to find a girl into that stuff. Maybe later on her and I might develop something more then I will have a lot more to figure out, but all I want to figure out now is how to like go shopping or have coffee with her or meet up for a yoga class or something. I am totally willing to take everything slow and not jump to conclusions like in my twenties and uproar my life, but to be more gentle with things.
Thanks for letting me butt in a bit and for listening, there is nobody in real life for me to talk to about this at this point.

 

Starlight, it sounds like you two have a lot in common and that she might also be interested in you. Start off with something easy, are there any sci fi movies out right now you want to see? You listed several ideas that sound great, just don't over think it. Ask if she wants to have coffee sometime and don't put too much pressure on yourself about it. Or if shopping seems better to you just ask her. You know more about her than i do. I don't even know you, but I'm excited for you. Lol. You have found a great place full of people ready to listen and offer advice. Welcome!

 

All of these stories really resonate with me. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings or worried that I'm going to somehow make a huge mistake.

 

I have been married twice. The first time aged 20 the 2nd aged 28. I am now 41 and ended my marriage not long ago after a few years of problems. (He had an affair) I have always know my attraction to women but buried it deep down. I am now at the stage of life where I want to open up this hidden part of me and be whom I really am. Its exciting but oh so scary at what could be. I am not ready to come out as I need to be 100% sure that I can face the fact that I may have to move away from my home town and family. I am here if you want to chat.

 

Thank you for responding so fast! It certainly helps to have a little encouragement as at first all I felt was baffling fear, haha! I did give her a lil Easter egg with candy in it and my chapbook of poetry and artwork with website and contact info, she genuinely smiled and said thank you. I told her I had them for her last time, but then I got sad (the doggie) and she was so real when she said it had been a hard day. All my previous vets were great with the pets, but usually pretty cold with me, she actually genuinely cares. Even my husband thinks she might also want to be friends with me, he came to the doggie appointment and also knows I don't have any girlfriends again now that the other two girls on our fire department are quitting and probably moving, he always encourages me to go do domething with the girls. I have never made friends except at work or school or through other friends, you know!? Anyway, hopefully she checks out some of my artwork or likes some of the poetry, haha, or even hates it but at least gets online to email me and tell me so! (!)

---------- Post added 8th Apr 2014 at 02:10 PM ----------

I typed that title into google and searched the net for days, even doing those little online self-generated tarot app things and did readings for myself for guidance since I can't talk to anyone. A counselor, well, the cost is out of the question and I had one as a kid and all they do is act as a supportive friend while charging big bucks, not that this isn't helpful though, haha.
There were so many similar stories, with good happy endings, I hope we all get the good happy ending!

---------- Post added 8th Apr 2014 at 02:15 PM ----------

Tell us about this one woman! I feel so much like what you wrote is something I have also felt or am feeling. And I am definitely going to have to check out that movie!

---------- Post added 8th Apr 2014 at 02:18 PM ----------

Hey, thanks for reading and responding, this page has been quite helpful in just the few days I have found it! I hope you would not have to move, unless it is something you truly want and choose to do for good reasons. I guess, luckily for me, I moved 3,500 miles away 4 years ago so that worry is already taken care of, so I understand where you are coming from!

 

Best of luck Starlight! I have a feeling you will be hearing from her. She sounds like a really great person. Keep us updated and let us know how it goes!

Marrie - I have pretty much always known that i am attracted to women even though i have never allowed myself to act on it. I can recognize an attractive man, but i don't feel anything when i see one. When i see an attractive woman i feel all kinds of things and sometimes get butterflies so its pretty obvious to me that i would much rather be with a woman even though i care deeply for my boyfriend. We have been talking more and more lately and i think we may be heading towards breaking up. I'm so sad, scared, excited, nervous, confused, etc. about it.

Lili - But Im a Cheerleader is a really good movie. I saw it for the first time a few days ago.

 

Wow, just reading this thread is such a relief - it's not just me! I've been married to a man for 15 years now, and am only just opening up and admitting to myself that I fancy girls a lot more than guys. I'm feeling so confused and scared right now, I'm so glad this community is here.

Marie77, StarlightBunny and everyone, this is one tough struggle, but everyone here is going through similar, and one thing I know from everything I've read here and elsewhere - it gets better.

 

Ha, I just tried to hit the 'like' button, I think that means too much online for me today!
Anyway, it is nice to hear that it will get better!

 

I think it's very possible for a lesbian to have sex with a guy. You said yourself that you and your husband have never really had any chemistry. Have you ever felt chemistry with a guy? How do you feel when you think about being with a woman? Of course the relationship is enough for him, he is a straight man. I think it's rally good that you're going to talk to him and that you made arrangements for child care. You don't have to decide what your orientation is right away, just tell him what you have been feeling. I hope it goes well for you. You said you aren't sure you want to end your marriage, tell him that. Maybe he will allow you to explore and figure things out?

 

Reading this thread, there are just so many of us in somewhat the same boat as you marie. I have so many of the same questions. I have seen something similar happen with 2 family members in a way. It is like they dated dudes, married a few, then got so tired of the man crap they went girl. More like they chose to quit marrying guys, quit cleaning up after them, tired of one-sided sex and also the spot in a relationship where they had lived together awhile, the honeymoon phase passes, the woman wanted to still pursue common interests and continue getting to know each other, when the husband just seemed completely content to have things just the way they are for the next hundred years. So is it that we are attracted to women or just tired of men? To be honest, I dont think it matters. I also think it sounds more like you want a change in the way relationships work than in the bedroom, I don't think it is always about sexual orientation so much as who we fall in love with.
My aunt got married, had kids, took care of her hubby who had a gambling problem, after 20 or so years of this she finally called it quits and dates girls, many girls, but mainly as friends, she has never had a serious girlfriend. After ten years of this she goes to an online dating site and is suddenly dating this guy, they lasted a little while, it got serious and he got weird of course. Now she is sorta dating a few different girls online and in real life again, but never exclusive. I think for her, she enjoys intimacy and having friends around to talk with and also cuddle with, but can't see herself in a serious relationship with anyone but a man, but they disappoint and she gives up again. My mother in law is with a woman who was married 7 times, finally made enough money to stop with the guys and start with the ladies. They are more like friends as my mother in law does cheat on her all the time, or maybe they are open just on her end, but my mother in law was married 32 years, had long time girlfriends the entire time and still claims to not be gay, and that this new lady is the first time. I don't know.
I don't know if I am just tired of taking care of my husband, I look forward to the weeks he goes away for work, less cleaning for me! Less pressure in the bedroom to do something soooo boring and sooo the same as every damn time. But, I seem to get bored in the bedroom after about a year and I don't know if it would change with a woman, but like you I certainly hope so. I want a best friend who also cuddles too, but I am not sure that after a year it would be a different story or the same one. I know my husband has quit wanting to work on goals and it is more like I am the mom. I love him dearly, but man his kisses are no longer sensual but weird and hounding him just to wear clean shirts to work or take something for lunch rather than eating nasty fast food as we are supposedly into organics.
I too just want someone authentic, and women are so beautiful and sexy and strong, but I was single 5 years and never found a girl to date and am unwilling to leave my husband to try again. But, I am not sure if my current crush or even future crushes would be willing to date a married person, but then my mother in law never seemed to have a problem finding the ladies while married.
If you tell your hubby, it will probably be it. I totally understand how you do not want to disrupt everyone, especially your daughter and family. You probably have other problems also that need working on, but that he won't as your story has already shown and since he is unwilling to look at things in any new light, coming out to him is not even the worst of your concerns. But, you will need lots of support. Being straight then wanting to think about a girlfriend is one thing, trying to do so can be difficult, it was impossible for me. My few friends that I talked to about everything, all the way to auras and spirits, from 8 years younger to 8 years old all literally thought I wanted to sleep with them...These girls were like my sisters, I mean, being a lesbian does not mean you want your sister, but once I got together with my future and now hubby, I was welcomed back to the friend club and they are now more comfortable talking to him and told me I was just bored. It would be worse for me now, my family dumped me once I got married, feeling there was no reason to worry about me now that I had a man to take care of me, and told me happily that I had a new family now. My one gay friend I grew up with had such a huge crush on me, I still cant say anything as she would be trying to get with me, she is very bad about leaving one girl for a hotter one and is more personality like a guy so no help there.
I am blabbering, just make sure you have a strong support even if it is just one friend, and this helps I know, but his reaction could make life difficult or maybe he will be supportive, I hope so! Good luck!