I came out…and now I'm desperate to go back in

If your safety is at risk, then please do stay away. I went through a very similar thing with my own parents and my dad DID hurt me. I will carry those scars(physical and emotional) for the rest of my life. At least you're 18 and are now a legal adult who can make her own decisions. Stay with friends or friends of the family until you can get on your feet. I know you love your family, but you can't "take back" who you are, and you can't "fix it". I've been THERE, too. Those camps meant for fixing gay youth are often physically and emotionally abusive. Don't try to change just to please or placate your folks. If your mother's love is genuine, she might come to see the light one day.

 

Oh man, this whole situation must suck balls for you. I wish I could come over and give you that hug!
Hang in there. It sucks when you can't rely on those closest to you to support you for who you are (I feel that) but remember that this world is hella big and there's millions of people out there who are just waiting to cherish you for every aspect of your being.

If you're considering moving out, I'd probably postpone the tattoo though! Meanwhile, make sure your friend knows exactly where the line has been drawn vis a vis your relationship, and think about the future. I'm not a Christian but I know that for many people religion has helped them through some dark times. Don't ever let anyone tell you squat about who you are and what you should be unless they have good reason to.

Good luck. xxx

 

What a truly horrible thing for her to say.

You need to get out of that house as soon as possible. Trust me it'll get much better when you're out in the world, in your own place, with friends and loved ones around you.

 

I know how that desperate pain feels. I wish I could do something to make you not feel so desperate and frightened. I've had times when it was so severe I was almost fully prepared to kill myself. I still have days like that! So of course I know I can't say anything to actually take the pain away or even make it seem like anything other than what it feels like right this second, but even if your parents believe that doesn't actually make it true. If it helps - and I know, it probably won't, but that's okay; I'll tell you anyway - I often feel entirely worthless and doubt anyone who says otherwise. It makes sense to me to look at others and think that they're worth something and ought not to feel badly about themselves, but it makes no sense to me to think any such things about myself. So I get it. But try and remember that you'll have more than this one day, and that just because your parents disapprove of you doesn't make you less than what you actually are. This is something you can't control. I wish you could, and I would love to be able to change it for you.

 

I find it incredibly difficult to talk about this, but I was atrociously depressed for years. The last people I would've been able to turn to was my parents. I think I was 14 when I realised the only way to fix my problems would be to kill myself, and I expressed this thought to my mum. She just said I was "a nutter" and that if I ever tell anyone that then "men in white coats will come take me away". That taught me to never tell anyone how I felt.

But trust me here: It gets better. I am honestly happy now. Not happy most of the time but still somewhat depressed, just happy and not depressed.

Wait until August and move out. Really, it will get better. Being at home with your parents can warp your sense of what life is really like. Focus on August and starting fresh.

 

You too. Just know that there's people who want you to be happy <3.