gay later in life....acting out. HELPPPPP

well update. someone that was at the club i was at told me that they thought i was freaky because i was flirting with and dancing closely with several guys. i feel like such a slut. i haven't even had sex with anyone in years. now im getting a bad reputation. i feel shame. but then i have to think about it like this. ok, it's not like all those other guys there are angels and we were at a bible study class. the guys there may not have been dancing with a lot of guys but i'm sure they were making their connections in terms of people they could sleep with later. so if they want to judge me on dancing and flirting, then go for it. but i'm not sleeping around and i'm sure many of them are. but yet i still feel bad. my counselor said that i did not do anything wrong or bad that he actually thought it was good that i did that. he said that i had been painting this picture of myself for years that was not a real image but an image i wanted other people to believe and accept and that i'm having issues because the "real me" is starting to come through the painting and i can't deal with it. but he said that it is time for the real me to come through and that real people make mistakes and do things that are silly or crazy or just plain "fun". he said that i was entitled to some fun and that it sounded like i had it and that i am worried so much about what others think. i guess if people talk then there's nothing i can do about it. i shoudl work on being honest with myself and my feelings and less concerned about what others think but its so hard.

 

hi guys. when he said that i really did not ask. he just basically said that i was dancing suggestively with several guys that not and from the looks of it would not be the type of guy that he was into based on that. without saying it, he basically called me a slut. he also said that he had a lot of preconceived notions of who i was based on him seeing me act out. i i did ask what those notions were because i couldn't take it to hear it. freaky/freak in some cultures means slut (not that you were dancing weird).

---------- Post added 27th Feb 2014 at 09:41 AM ----------

yea because the truth of the matter is that i was having fun even if it looked bad to others. in that moment i was doing everything i wanted to do. and kinda had a "i dont give an EFF" mentality. i get so wound up all the time so i just wanted to have a wild and crazy night like everyone else. geez, i haven't ever even been to a strip club yet and there people touch booties and even have lap dancing and all sorts of things. does that make them bad? i just was dancing (albeit sexually suggestive) with a few guys and the ass grab. anyways i think someone confronting me about not seeing me in the light that i want to project to others was alarming. i always want to project my "fake self" to others but sometimes its just too exhausting and when the crack happens in the fake self armour, then i go to teh other extremes. i need to work on just being me and feeling ok with me. but not sure how do to that.

 

I was shy growing up and very good at school. i found solace in school and getting good grades. i received a lot of praise for that. it validated me in a way. by 2nd grade, i knew i had crushes on guys. i was not one of these kids that "experimented" with other kids (guys or girls) my own age. i was a perfectionist as early as i can remember. if i could not get something done correctly my world would crumble. i had meltdowns in 1st grade if i could not understand a concept they were teaching. i was a loner during the elementary years and did not play with the other children. i was the teachers pet...loved by teachers and hated by the kids because of it. i had some guy friends when i was in elementary school. i developed crushes on them all. i did not know what was going on. i just knew that instead of being their friend, i wanted to be more like the center of their attraction. i wanted them to like me in a way that would not stop. i wanted them to like me like the other boys crushed about girls. it was my little secret.

somewhere around 11/12 i discovered girls to my surprise and elation because i distinctly remember thinking...I"M NOT GAY.. YAY!. but then junior high hit and i guess thats when things took a turn. the other guys started calling me the "F" word and i was labeled as a "f*g". that hurt me deep. they were calling me a "girl". i did not understand why. i was the same me in junior high? i was also smart in school and that was a no-no in my school with the other guys. Sounds crazy that being good in school meant being called a sissies. but my voice hadn't changed yet so maybe i did sound like a girl. i went into a deep depression and the thought of suicide was very real during those dark days. i still was at the top of my class and that was the only thing i thought i was good at.

by high school, i started liking girls again (and also crushing on other guys at the same time). still no official girlfriend. i was afraid of girls and thought i was not good enough or that maybe i was gay. to some degree that doubt has stayed with me through the years into adulthood when it comes to women. i always felt i was not "man enough" and could not possibly sexually please them. i had a girlfriend in high school for a year or so but we did not have sex. i was too afraid. the gay rumors died down a bit but somewhat sprung back up in senior year so i couldn't wait to go to college.

In college, that's when i really felt torn. i was physically aroused and attracted to women but deathly afraid to have sex. if it did not work, then i was GAY. NOOOO that couldn't be. meanwhile there were guys in my dorm that i had crushes on. i felt conflicted. i was also afraid to have sex with women and would do a lot of things (making out) but not have sex. when i got my girlfriend in colleage we had sex. i was always excited up to the act. when the act happened i would not orgasim and things woudl "stop working" if you get my drift. i felt horrible. i felt this meant i was gay for sure. i cried a lot of about this to myself. after that i went asexual for a while. i did not want to try again. i definitely did not want to be around any gays. i tried to ignore either gender and i just focused on school.

after college, starting working. got involved in church. loved that. developed strong platonic friendship with women in church and at the age, (early 20s) that worked. nobody wanted more. we talked about christianity and stuff and it was a great support system. i started noticing i was attracted to guys again and i had crushes. i started to go into depression over this becaues i knew i was hoping these guys were also gay. i finally got another girlfriend and ended asexuality. we finally had sex and it was great but each time guilt would set in. i was a sinner. i was going to burn. i was a liar and a bad person, i was a hypocrit and also i was living a lie in church. going to church one minute and having premarital sinner sex the next. in a way, being a good Christian helped me avoid my own sexuality and i could "hide" there. sex was not supposed to be before marriage and since i was not dating women, i could hide there and nobody woudl think i was gay, just being a good Christian. i was not experimenting at all with guys but definitely thinking about them and letting my fantasy crushes play an alternate life in my head.

by early 30s, i was single and decided to move to a larger city. once there, i developed myself as straight of course and in a way that was one of my biggest regrets becuase i should have started off exploring gayness early but once i started as "straight" in the new city, all my socialzing was straight and it became scary (given the small network of professionals in my new city) to even think of coming out and exploring gay becuase someone would know or find out. noone could find out. i did not want to be labeled as a sissy or f*g again as before. at this time, everyone saw me as masculine. my voice had changed. i looked masculine. i was a "regular guy". i did not date women anymore and experimented with dating guys in secret. no sex. just going on dates. kissing, etc. none of those situations ever worked out with guys becuase they all wnated sex and i was too afraid. also, the guys were never like the straight guys i crushed on. yes, the guys were attractive but after hanging out with them, i just did not fit. they had been gay for years and seemed like they were part of the gay culture that i couldn't relate too. since then its just been hard in general. i have met so many beautiful stable women that would be perfect for me but im still holding onto this guy that i never seem to meet or if i meet guys like that, they are always straight. meanwhile i would also find women that seemed to like me and want to marry me and date me. i was always asked..."why are you single". i really did not have any gay friends. as far as the gay guys i met, since i wasn't having sex with them, they did not want to have any friendship with me and would disappear. i started to avoid people in my new city because too much contact with women and they would start liking me. and too much contact with guys and they would start questioning me about why i did not have a girlfriend. people said i was attractive and things were not adding up......sometimes random people would figure it out and ask me if i was gay, which i denied of course. i never wanted to have sex with guys or come out in the gay events and clubs because i thought once you go gay, you can never go back and you're labeled as this forever and i thought that sex was the only way to be "gay" but now i know the orientation does not have anything to do with the act. also, since i was sexually aroused by women, i still wanted to keep that card in my deck just in case this was all wrong. but by doing that, i did not move forward with either men or women. i just stayed in my asexuality period again but that sucks.

now i'm nearing 40 and im basically miserable. where did the years go? i don't know. i do know that this year i have been so mentally and emotionally drained from the years of repression, depression, suicidual thoughts, self hatred, etc that im caring less and less about trying to hold up a straight image. it's just too exhausting.

so that's me. i am socially quite skilled and people typically like talking to me. i am very shy on the inside but that has not ever stopped me to striking up conversation with random strangers...men or women. nobody would think i was shy as i am quite friendly and can be quite fun to be around based on what others say. people generally like me. i have asked guys for their phone numbers if i like them or if i thought they were checking me out. nothing much has come from that though....yes, many of them were gay.

thankfully i am not socially awkward or inept. women think im a great catch. gay men seem to think the opposite since the ones i met are into the sex life style and i'm not, then i suck to them and i'm lame. the type of guys i am attracted and in my culture are typically closeted as well and therefore, they are not going to random lgbt events. it's almost like a secret ninja network to find them and get to know them. i am not attracted to closeted guys but just guys that people do not necessarily think are gay. well those type of guys usually are not very comfortable to go to lbgt stuff and especially not in my culture/race.

so that's pretty much me.

 

i tried internet dating linco. no apps. just the so-called dating sites for friends. i aslo was not out and was scared to put pics up. i eventually would send some in a private mode but that even worried me. the thing with internet is that i am not attracted to effeminate men for dating. what would happen every time is that guys would say they were masculine and their pics would seem masculine but then in person or on the phone they would be effeminate and then i knew i was not romantically interested in them and i would end the communication. why waste their time or mine? or there was always some type of no car, no job, lives with rooomate situation. i got tired of screening people because whenever i would out in straight world, i would meet masculine men with something going for themselves, then i would go back to the gay dating sites and have to sift through guys that were not remotely like what i wanted to date. it just became even more depressing looking at my gay options. so i gave up. this is not an effeminate bash at all. just saying that i either found them on there or masculine guys that wanted to bang and many used drugs.....no thanks. also i just wasn't attracted to these guys and if i was, i would meet them in person and think to myself, "who in the heck was in the picture that you posted because this looks nothing like you..." it just became too much to deal with. i'm no model but i rarely had guys say i was unattractive when they met me and they all said "you dont seem gay". gee thanks. i just became depressed again cuz i was too straight for the gays and the straights were too straight for me to ever date them.

i am very clear about the no sex thing and then that is when they usually disappear. i have met guys at stores, through friends, on the street, through social media, dating websites, events, heck i even met one at an art gallery that dumped me after i just wanted to "make out" and not screw on teh first or second date. its all the same.

 

hi electra, yes good sounds advice from the EC community. you people make me feel there is hope. thank you. yes i agree. telling others is more about accepting you then them accepting you. it also helps keep you from this forever closet and constant worry "what if someone finds out". by owning who you are, you are taking control versus cowarding in gay closet fear. i seriously want to meet someone that makes me feel like "OMG, I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD MEET SOMEONE LIKE THIS!!!" but likely i would have to be fully out to ever experience that.

 

thanks Jim, yes i can be very puritanical. yes i need to go out in the day to gay stuff. i do not frequent gay clubs but when i do, i have overload and i explode into this other alter ego person