Feeling like my own prisoner

I feel like my own failure to accept myself is holding me captive. I can't allow myself to just be me because I'm worried what other people will think too much. As a result of all these years of denial I am a very closed off person to almost everyone. My boyfriend is the only exception. I have a lot of self hate and feel like a waste of a life. Since i have been trying to hide who i am for so long i have kind of lost what makes me who i am. I feel like i don't even recognize myself anymore, like a shell of a person. I need to find what makes me happy and i need to do it on my own. Every time i think I'm ready to have the conversation with my boyfriend something starts nagging at me and making me not go through with it even though I'm miserable. I love his company...he's my best friend, but whenever sex comes up it gets awkward. Sometimes i am ok with it and others i have to force myself. Sometimes after forcing myself i will be trembling afterwards (not in a good way) because it was so unpleasant for me. I think he noticed last time, i almost started crying. We didn't say anything about it,but i think he knew. Usually i try to hide it from him, but last time i didn't. That's some progress at least.

 

I am definitely realizing that its hurting him by me not saying anything. I'm not able to give myself to him 100% and never will be able to even though i have tried to for so long. Its just not natural for me. I hate this. Either way is painful, but only going my own way can lead me to true happiness and to feel real love.

I need to give it at least another week though. I want to wait until he gets back to work and will have that to keep him busy. Does that sound wrong? I just think it would be a little easier on him that way. Maybe its just me trying to delay the inevitable by making up any logical sounding excuse? Maybe i really am a terrible person for stringing him along all these years? My moment of clarity just came with really crappy timing. Something just finally clicked in my head and made it impossible for me to ignore.

 

Thank you so much for your words Bluebird. Yep, I've got my walls too. The walls are made of self hate, fear, guilt, denial etc.

Yeah, i absolutely know the antidote. Its scary to think about though. He is my best friend. The one person in this world that knows everything about me and still loves me. I know i said i was miserable with him, nut its not true. I love being around him and talking to him. Its just when sex comes up it gets miserable. I hope we will still be able to be friends after i tell him. I can't imagine my life without him since he has been part of it for so long...

Nice avatar by the way lol

 

Actually, it will be before he goes back to work. He has a meeting Thursday, and he starts in like a week. I just don't want to distract him before he goes to the meeting so he can focus. If i tell him before he would only be thinking about what i said. Its killing me keeping this in, one more day. I've made too much progress to not do this now. I think i am finally ready. Ugh, if i can even tell him without crying my eyes out. Either that or i will get quiet and clam up and start trembling involuntarily. Kind of am now just thinking about telling him. This is causing me too much anxiety to not tell him though. He deserves me being honest with him and finally telling him I'm without a doubt ONLY attracted to women and our little "arrangement" isn't working anymore.

 

By arrangement i mean in order for us to have sex we watch or look at porn together. We can enjoy it together because we are both looking at the women . I guess it kind of works to trick the brain a little. It helps me get in the mood and fantasize. Still doesn't compare to feeling real desire for another person like i know i would feel with a woman. Its just not there. I still haven't told him how certain i am about this yet. Its almost like i feel that i deserve to be unhappy for wanting to leave him after all these years. I've got a lot of years of self hate to undo. I think its going to take some more time for me to be able to really do this. I just don't feel i have the confidence right now. Still a lot of fear clawing at me. I am in a very emotional place right now and am not sure how i would take it if he reacts badly. That kind of rejection might devastate me. I'm glad i told my friend and she's being very supportive so if it did go bad i know i could count on her for support. Thinking of losing him though is enough to make me stay quiet still. Just going along like nothing is wrong. I think i need to wait until after my next therapy appointment, she knows me well and might be able to give me some good advice about how to tell him. Since i told her I'm a lesbian we haven't talked about it too in depth yet. I've been kind of avoiding the issue and talking about other problems instead. My appointment is near the end of this month. Part of me thinks that when i tell him he wont take me seriously and will start saying things like "how are you going to meet a woman when you're so shy?" He said that when i tried telling him before. Its true, but its kind of like its his way of feeding my fears so i stay. I feel bad for saying that, but its the feeling i got when he said that.

 

Rose27- I think he has said similar to that to me before about not wanting me to end up alone.

The other might i went over to my friends house (the one i came out to) to watch movies with her and her friend. I thought the girl was going to be someone else. Kind of shocked me when i realized it wasnt. She used to work with me and still talks to a lot of the people that work there. When i went to work today i got a weird vibe that everyone somehow knew. I'm thinking maybe my friend told her best friend about what i told her and then she told someone that works with me etc. I'm not sure though, could just be paranoid...i tend to do that. I don't want to think that of her when i thought i could trust her. I'm going to ask her about it tomorrow.

I feel that if i come out to everyone then a lot of things would change. Probably mostly for the better because i might finally be able to just be myself without second guessing everything before i say or do it. I fear the attention it will draw to me and the questions people will undoubtedly ask. I prefer to kind of fade into the background and not even be acknowledged. Scary in many different ways. Ugh...

 

So, i talked to my friend and she said she didn't say anything and i believe her. That's a relief. I have a feeling some people, even my family already know without me telling them. I think people i work with are starting to put two and two together. People will talk about a "hot guy" and ask my opinion, I usually act like i didn't see him or something like that. Or i will say not really. People have been asking my opinion a lot more lately. I think i have been caught checking out women a few times too.