Reality has collided with Fantasy

What will change if you and your wife were divorced? As far as your relationship with her? You said you're already "good friends" but "not lovers." I imagine that will remain the same. What would probably change is that your wife will have the opportunity to find a lover (maybe she wants that too, even if she would feel guilty saying so while you're still married). PLUS, as an added bonus, you can hope to become happier and more fulfilled yourself, which can only make you more able to be there for her as a friend.

Having spent so much time together, I'm sure you'd want to remain in close contact. As long as your future partners understand that there isn't romantic or sexual chemistry, that seems perfectly possible. I apologize if it sounds like I'm oversimplifying - I'm sure that I am, to some degree. But from my perspective, those sound like the most important things. If what I said is right for your case, it should be worth working out the messy logistics for.

 

I think jargon's advice is sound. If you are not lovers--everything else is still possible, and negotiable. This is not selfish! You cannot be giving and caring if you deny yourself the most basic needs to be there... to be present as a whole person. When you are in that kind of self imposed normativity prison, your capacity of for love is in shackles... I mean, love for everyone. For everyone around you.

I would lay odds that if you give yourself to this man, your heart will expand 100 fold in its capacity to give love and care for others in your life.

 

If you are not lovers she might not take it to offense and might just be okay with it. Do what is for your best good and not others, do what will make you happy. I know it sounds selfish, but to be honest we aren't born to please others, please yourself. Good luck!!!

 

I have had many of the same thoughts-- that it is selfish to break up my marriage, to hurt him.
I had some health problems last year and found that when contemplating my own mortality, what really struck me was that I didn't want to die in the closet. I even found myself envious of a woman who died last year whom I knew to be openly gay. My first thought upon hearing about her death was "well, at least she was out." I of course recognized that was not a normal reaction and that maybe I should look at that a bit more. (And of course I mean envious of her being out, not dying).
If you choose to leave the marriage,as I did, it will likely hurt. For me, it has been confusing to be both so happy with my gf, and so unhappy/grieving my marriage.
I hear it gets better. I believe it.
I also believe it is worth it. I was miserable before I made this decision. It still hurts, now, in a different (grieving) kind of way, but there is a sense of authenticity to my life - a place that always felt wrong/unbalanced that has just sighed peacefully and settled in.
It feels like home.
There. That's my 2 cents.

 

I know that this hurts, but you need to do what's best for both of you. At this point in your life, it seems like that might involve splitting up with your wife. In the end, this is a positive outcome for both of you.

Let me explain - you have your wife trapped in a marriage where you're friends, not lovers. This isn't fair to either of you, as you've found someone that you can love, and she deserves that same opportunity. While in the state that you are now this is difficult to see, in the end it will work out to the benefit of you both.

 

If you are gay then why would you stay with your wife? Is it because of convenience? Is that the best reason to stay with someone? Is it fair for her especially since you have already started to move on?

These are very hard questions, a lot of us here have had to answer these questions. When you answer these questions also try to answer them from your wife's point of view.

Whether you are with your boyfriend or not, it doesn't change what you should do or the fact that you are gay. Your decisions have to be made for yourself and not for anyone else.

 

I second this. When I made my decisions, I knew I had to come from a place of "If it were just me, without someone who wanted to be with me once I made the decision to divorce, what would I do? If not for her, could I stay in my marriage? The answer for me was a painful "no". Painful because there is a part of me that feels like I never wanted this. I don't want to do things the hard way. But it is the only way for me to really live my life without regret. It's hard, and some days I am still feeling like bargaining with the powers that be...
But ultimately, my husband's journey is HIS. I may have set the ball rolling, but it is leading him on to higher places and growth, I know it is.
I do believe that when you do what you know in your heart to be right and true, the Universe jumps in and lifts you higher.

 

I guess I'm in the minority here.

I don't see how you just drop a woman who you have been married to for 40 years unless your living arrangements are intolerable. But as you describe it, you are good friends.

I'm not sure what your wife knows about your sexuality. Are you out to her? Is she completely in the dark?

Just leaving her is wrong. Discussing your situation with her and trying to find a solution that addresses your needs and her concerns is the right thing to do. There's plenty of middle ground here.

We all "crave" something in life. For me it's a bigger and better motorcycle. But getting one would be financially irresponsible. Therefore I impose limits on what I can have so it isn't detrimental to my relationships.

If you aren't out to your wife, you should be if you want to then discuss arrangements where you can both be happy.

 

Our situations, ages and story are almost identical. I've been married for 39 years and I came out to my wife six months back. We agreed to not do anything for one year, which is up in March. A few weeks ago, I told her that there would be no way for me to stay in the relationship. She's getting time to adjust both emotionally and financially to that news, but once that year is up, we need to go our separate ways. We have talked about the manner in which we can maintain a close and supportive friendship. We are both aware that the way we treat each other is going to be major influence on how our children deal with this, once they are told. None of it is easy, but I have a need to live authentically as who I am. I can bare living a lie....no longer.