this is an amazing thread.. this is a little off topic, but i think its so cool that there are women out there that like guy on guy lol i always knew there was but i think its so cool! (!)
Like others have said here, it's sometimes hard to distinguish what is conditioning so maybe the thing with the other women was simply that? Thinking thats what you should like or maybe you just wanted to give it a go and see? I had a 3 some with my first boyfriend (his request) and a female friend. Me and her thought it went ok - quite good fun. He HATED it. Put him off sex for ages and said never again. lol. Yes, I am quite happy to watch from a distance. I would love to go to a gay sauna and just be allowed to sit and watch. What harm would it do? :icon_bigg but yeah, most of all I wish I had a cock. I've never been one of those women to joke about how silly they look - I think they are magnificent things of beauty! The family you talk about I think would be my mans ideal setup. I don't think she is asexual now - just full up with kids stuff. It's very hard to get sexy when you are in mum mode. He had an affair with a women. It was different - secretive, deceptive, very hurtful and we came very close to splitting. If he ever did it again I would be off without a second thought. It's a one shot deal. I know he would love us to be in a completely 'open' marriage where we can both do whatever we like but that isn't the case and never will be and tbh, I don't think those polyamorous relationships can work. Having said all that, I do have an ex that I know would make my husband feel threatened and jealous if I started shagging him again so it's all bullshit really. My boys are just growing out of the 'it's soooo gaaay' phase. We didn't make a big deal of it. We knew it would go away even though we did address it and why it was unpleasant. My youngest said it in front of a gay friend (it had become habit) and he (my son) was mortified, blushing etc. I think that was the day he started using it less. Unsurevirgin - you're right. The kids asked if was having an affair when we were going through our rough patch and they both said that if he was I should leave him and they would live with me. They were very angry just knowing he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. I think they said "what a f****** dickhead". If they had know about the affair they would have disowned him for a period of time Im sure. I have asked him and myself if suddenly things will take a different turn when his parents die. It's a good question. ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 04:46 PM ---------- Alex - thanks! There are a few of us lurking out here I'm sure but I've never met anyone else like me so far. ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 04:48 PM ---------- ps - i answered your post in order but I dont know how to do the quote thing.
I always felt a true threesome would be ideal but like unicorns... Do you sometimes think you are living a alternative sexuality using him as a proxy? Again, like unicorns, it was quite the dream. In the end it caused more problems and emotional trauma then it solved. He never really knew where he stood in the relationship... She? who is posting? Mmm? That was always the rule with us.. no woman. Ever.. This included I could not be with a guy while his wife was there.. All the poly relationships I knew fell apart inside a few years.. You have to be really really shallow to make them work.. As soon as my ex-bf's kids moved out, he divorced his wife.. like a switch.. I know of at least two.. my wife and the wife of my ex-bf...
This is actually insanely common. I always find it funny when women think they're one of the few who think it's hot to fantasize and like the idea of two men being together. When it's common knowledge that many straight men are attracted to the idea of two women being together. Why wouldn't a lot of women feel the same about two men? I mean, if one is good, two is better, right? I suppose it boils down to the sad fact that women aren't really allowed to be sexual without being "sluts" in our culture. Which is sad. However, this type of desire and fantasy is so common it's almost vanilla. I remember when I first heard about this - it was when I was introduced to the entire concept of "slash fiction". I was rather shocked to discover that the entire genre was populated with almost entirely women - we're talking like 95% women. Slash fiction is basically part fan fiction and part erotic fiction. Someone takes a male character (usually a completely straight male character), and writes a story (usually involving erotica) where they pair that character with another male character. Usually the characters used would be from popular TV shows, books, and movies. Then there is the entire concept of Yaoi - which is the Japanese version of the above, but usually it's animated. Once again, the authors are primarily female. Ironically, this is one of the few areas where females are actually the ones producing what a lot of people would consider pornography. ...and it's almost always between two men. Even more ironically, some of those involved in the Slash & Yaoi communities identify as lesbian! One of the things I find fascinating by this is just how differently women approach porn than men do. If you take the time to observe porn created by women vs porn created by men, it starts to become clear why a lot of the "mainstream" porn doesn't have the same appeal to women as it does to men. Even gay porn produced by men for other gay men has a different feel and quality than erotica produced by women about gay or bisexual men. I'm not sure if it has to do with whether or not women are turned on by different things than men, or whether or not it has to do with culture. However, it is fascinating nevertheless.
You know, I've often wondered about that, as a self-identified bisexual: would your average woman find it more devastating to find her man cheating on her with another man, or with another woman, fully aware that he might swing both ways? I've seen mixed answers, with some saying that with a man, there's that insecurity that she doesn't have something he doesn't, wondering if she can satisfy all his "needs", and definitely a worry of "losing" him to the other side and not being able to do anything about it. In a lot of "worst case scenarios" the gay side was kept a secret, so it's a double whammy, since orientation is quite a huge thing to keep secret from your SO for years. Others have said that with a woman, it's worse, because, theoretically, a woman in a relationship with a man would see other women as competition. She would see herself as defective, lacking in an area the other "she" would have an advantage in. The whole "only one" would come up - my ex, when she knew I was bicurious, said it was okay to mess around with men, just NOT women, under any circumstances. Anyway, I'm sure it varies by context, just wanted to hear your thoughts on it.
meow - the bit where I said "I don't think she is asexual now - just full up with kids stuff. It's very hard to get sexy when you are in mum mode." was in response to your comment.."Now I feel she has become asexual" Do you sometimes think you are living a alternative sexuality using him as a proxy? Maybe. Most probably. Maybe thats why I dont like the idea of him having a more permanent boyfriend - it doesn't fit the fantasy I have. Even as a girl before I met him, I liked casual easy sex and sometimes never even asked their name. I liked to leave straight after as well. Even now, if we have a quickie, I'm turned over and snoring before he has wiped the damp patch. He says Im more of a bloke then him. ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 05:57 PM ---------- Aldrick - I haven't watched enough porn to work out who is making it. I just know that in gay porn the guys are nicer to look at and the sex is dirtier. My fave was Jeff Stryker - he talked nasty! ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 06:02 PM ---------- gravechild - for me, I know I can't compete with a man cos I aint one. With a women it's a direct threat and one Im not prepared to put up with. It's not rational even. I just know that my heart broke in two when I found out about his affair. If he wants to trade me in for a younger version he has to man up and move out. I'm not THAT cool and open.
Hi WifeofBi, I for one do not agree with the majority of folks on here. I don't think it is a wise idea to tell your boys anything with regard to bisexuality or any other sexuality for that matter. This has much more to do (IMHO) with family values, commitment, respect, and in your situation, Boundaries. When did you decide that it would be OK for your husband to sleep with other men while he was married to you? This should not be OK in any relationship, unless both parties are completely aware of the consequences. Where are the boundaries in your relationship? Your husband has clearly crossed the line in that department. I also think you owe it to your Relationship to respect one another with integrity and your family value system. This, if you ask me, is the underlying issue. The fact that you knew that he was bi before you got married does NOT give him a pass to screw around with anybody who happens to catch his eye. While I understand that people make mistakes and are prone to error, it does not justify his behavior. Your boys don't care who you sleep with. But I'm quite sure your boys might question How Many People you do sleep with. You are right on about your discretion with regard to your status as a woman (it's important). But so is a Fathers integrity. So unless your are OK with your sons bringing home one girl after another and having sex outside of their relationships, then I suggest you two go and seek marriage counseling and work on the commitment you both are responsible to. Your husband really needs to figure out what he likes and what he dislikes before he even thinks about bringing this up to your kids. While the boys may be OK with him being Bisexual, its quite another thing, to know your father also sleeps with other people other than their mother and surprise surprise, your mother is OK with that? My only concern here are the kids involved being that they are still minors and it is our responsibility to make sure they are treated with the utmost integrity they deserve. I welcome your feedback. -Alex Rios
Hi Alex Thanks so much for your comments. I happen to agree with you on most things and even though this thread has given me a lot of food for though, the one thing I am now certain about, after thinking of it a lot over the last few days, is that I will not give my consent to him telling the kids until they are at least 18. I think they are at a time when they are discovering and shaping their own sexuality and don't need to know anything about their fathers preferences. I stated the thread by saying that if he outs himself then he outs me too in a way and I do not want them having any ideas in their heads about what I am into. I knew before we married and it quickly became part of our sexual relationship when he knew I was (and always have been) turned on by gay sex. We thought we were a match made in heaven and we had met our soulmate. So the boundaries were that he could have casual gay sex, be safe and truthful and THAT WAS THE BOUNDARY. He did cross that boundary recently, all hell broke loose and he knows he will be out the door if he EVER tried it again. He has always know that another women is not ok. I have always been clear about that so he isn't getting mixed messages. We had counselling after the affair and it was quite an eye opener and it was what kept us together. We feel stronger now than ever BUT I still feel like we are recovering from the fallout of that so for him to now make this new announcement is just a bit too much, too soon. I can't and don't want to deal with anymore trauma right now for me or the kids. I am actually thinking today he is being quite selfish! These discussions are helping me work through things.
Have you read my post? We did and we are good thanks x ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 10:52 PM ---------- good as in we have worked through why he had the affair. The other stuff we don't need help with because we are both cool with it if it remains the same. And so far, apart from him wanting to share it with the kids, it is.
So have you two communicated to each other the differences of opinion in regards to telling the kids?
Not yet because I said earlier he is away on business until tomorrow. We have communicated by email and I have said Im not comfortable with it. He has tried to explain why which didnt make sense to me. I also asked here 'Why' and even though there have been varied answers and excellent explanations, I have come to my own conclusion. We will discuss it back and forth when he gets home and see where we land.
I need to step in on these people thinking they know what a relationship is supposed to be like, and saying there is anything wrong with this one regarding him having casual gay sex. A relationship is between two people and it is about what works for them. If that is an open relationship or one where casual sex is permitted with other people then that is their decision and they know best. And if you actually read the posts it is something they feel benefits them as they both sort of like it. Just because you don't believe in a relationship that is open in regards to sex and want something 100% monogamous doesn't mean that everyone needs that, or that it works for everyone. It is not cheating if they agreed that it was ok and they feel it benefits their relationship (which based on what I have read it seems the casual sex with men is something that they both are ok with and like). I am a monogamist, but I have many friends with relationships that have some to complete openness regarding sex and in a number of those situations their relationships are more functional than many monogamous ones I see because it works for them and they are ok with it. Not for me (i'd feel jealous) but I fully support people who do it, especially if they are secure enough in their partner and themselves and it works for them. I'm also going to take this time to address some things that I feel are wrong with your mindset here. - The idea that telling them means talking about his sex life When I out myself as gay all I do is out my sexuality and who I find attractive. It is not a discussion of my sex life, and it isn't anyones place or business to know what my current, past, or present sex life is. Including my family. If I don't want to tell them then they don't get to know. Coming out isn't about discussing his sex life or yours, it is about being honest and dispelling misconceptions and lies you are forced to live with. It is about being authentic, coming out is not about sex or your sex life. I think I've been clear that if discussing your sex lives is not something you are comfortable with then don't discuss it. Period. end of story. You don't have to and it is easy to avoid it. I've even given you the exact words you can use to not have the conversation. - The idea that if they know he has had gay sex it is bad You and your husband have sex lives. The idea that they don't understand you and your husband have had sex and probably had sex before meeting each other is unrealistic. And the only thing that changes if he is bisexual is now dad used to have sex with people before mom that where both male and female. This can only be bad if you are sending the message that homosexual relations are bad. Keep in mind that is a message that is being sent to your husband right now. The only thing I would be worried about is giving the impression that your rough patch is related to his sexuality. That can be cleared up with one statement. - The idea that revealing his sexuality is bad because your kids are still developing their sexuality I'm not going to lie this is a little offensive. Your kids sexuality is what it is. Knowing they have a bisexual dad isn't going to change that. If anything it will make them feel more open about their own sexuality and exploring themselves if they have those kinds of feelings. If they do feel that way it would make them feel less worried about being judged and make it more normal for them. - Let me give some insight about the "gay side" Being in the closet means you are constantly watching what you are doing and how you are acting to make sure people don't know your LGBTQ. It can legitimately be a constant stressor. Imagine 24/7 having to pretend you are not straight and are 100% lesbian to your kids because that is the image they have of you and constantly worrying about the damage that would be caused if that image was broken. Then take into account that when it is a secret you have NO control, your secret owns you and dictates how you are. Try thinking of all the ways your husband may sensor himself as to not give off the impression that he is bi to the kids and given that he knows you don't want them to know when you are all around that censorship is probably a constant. And often times it is censoring perfectly normal things that no one else would think to censor because they aren't worried about being outed. ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 08:30 PM ---------- - Almost forgot the idea that outing him means outing you Just like you don't need to talk about his sex life yours is even more off limits and unrelated to this topic as far as your kids are concerned. They won't be questioning what you do or are into sexually and you don't have to talk about it beyond "I've always known he was bisexual and it does not had a negative effect on our relationship emotionally or sexually." Your kids are not going to think in that direction, they won't ask, and even if they did you can avoid that question without giving any incriminating information that would make you uncomfortable. ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 08:40 PM ---------- Honestly you could make it very simple and figure out how to bring it up in passing and be like "didn't you know?" its not like it matters. Because in reality him being out about his sexuality is about him being authentic. It isn't about his sex life, it isn't about your sex life. It is a perfectly normal thing. Your husband is bisexual, he met you, your hit it off are attracted to each other love each other and got married. Your sex life is healthy and normal and works for you and no one needs to know the details because it is none of their business. No more than it is my business to know my mother and fathers sex lives. If anything I think the fact that someone cheated is more a kids business than their parents sex life between one another because it effects their home life in a negative way and hits them directly. And like i said the open part of your relationship is not cheating, except by some other peoples standards who don't understand these kinds of relationships.
Well put.....how would you like to discover years down the track they were hiding their sexuality from you......pointlessly and based on the false notion that you are straight. ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2013 at 03:49 AM ---------- You don't approve of "cheating".....great, don't do it. But don't judge others for whom monogamy does not really work.
