husband wants to come out to kids

I'm thinking that your husband does not want to hide who he is any more. Not around is own family at least. I can understand that.

 

Telling his sons he enjoys to have casual sex with men while married to his mother will not make them have a better perception of gay people.

 

This doesn't seem that hard to me. What has been said so far has been great.

I doubt your kids would ask your dad if he still does have gay sex. That'd seemingly be quite intrusive, and neither of you would have to answer that.

To KyleD: they have an arrangement that works for them. As long as they're being open and honest to each other, it isn't harming anyone.

 

Her husband has not been totally honest with her - he did have an affair. We don't know what else he has kept from her.

I just can't understand why he wants to have this conversation with his kids yet he can't with his parents.

Are his kids supposed to keep his sexuality as a secret since he is so ashamed?

I'm not trying to be negative but I just have question his motives in this whole thing.

If her husband is wiling to share with his sons that he is bi then he should be prepared to answer any questions his children will have in regards to whether he still has sex with men.

 

Just wanted to mention a point you made yourself earlier -

"Putting a burden on the child"

THANKYOU!!! Thankyou for thinking about that! My parents are always so concerned about 'whats the right thing to do' , but they never consider the burden they place upon me by telling me something, or doing something, something happening, etc...

 

Yes, I understand where you're coming from. Maybe I was being optimistic. It's always a possibility that her husband is concealing some stuff, as he has done before... but conjecture gets us nowhere, or at least that's what I think.

I wouldn't question the husband's motives for coming out, but perhaps I'm naive like that.

I suppose it's up to the topic creator for what route she wants to take: critical thinking or perhaps-naive acceptance and belief.

 

On his motives, I disagree with Kyle. I don't think it's fair to question his motives, unless you're getting really bizarre mixed signals. The fact of the matter is, this is an issue of trust. Only he knows how he truly feels, and there really isn't another option except to take him at his word. Looking for something that probably isn't there is a recipe for accusations and arguments.

It's also important not to conflate separate issues. If your husband were not being completely honest with you (and I have no reason to believe that is the case based on what you've written), then that's a separate issue from whether or not he comes out as bisexual to the kids. It's a separate issue because whether or not he's honest and open about who he is what's not being said is still in the picture, and it will remain in the picture regardless of the choice he makes in this regard.

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Now, when it comes to the sexy bubble bursting, I can feel what you're saying there. However, I think there is an important question that needs to be asked: Is what turns you on about it the fact that it's two men having sex (in the same way many, many, many straight men are turned on by lesbians), or is it the taboo nature of what he is doing?

There are lots of straight women who are completely turned on by the idea of two men being together sexually, for exactly the same reason a lot of straight men are turned on by the idea of two women being together sexually.

Likewise, a lot of people get turned on by the idea of engaging in taboo behavior. This is one of the reasons a lot of people get turned on by exhibitionism.

You can control what your children know and do not know about your sex life. Even if they were bold enough to ask (however unlikely that is), you both have the power to say that the topic is off limits. So them finding out won't be an awkward situation like, for example, your parents walking in on you having sex with your husband. It kinda kills the mood after that. If it's a taboo thing, and you're kinda making it not taboo anymore that's a possibility.

However, it's not as big of a problem as you might think. There is a lot you can do to keep things going. For example, you could have him take pictures with his phone (no faces, of course), when he's having sex with a guy. Then send those pictures to you. Whether you're turned on by the taboo or two guys together - that covers both. It's a little bit naughty, and somewhat of a tease. You could even send him dirty little text messages when he's out looking for guys, telling him what would turn you on, etc.

There are literally tons of things you can do to keep things spiced up. It just all depends on what exactly is turning you on about the situation, and using your imagination to create scenarios and situations that play off of that.

I think there is also a situation here where shame is involved. When it comes to sex and sexuality, shame is always there lurking in the corner, ready to pop up any moment. The fear that - oh my god - what if they know what I'm into? How can I ever show my face again? Is completely normal. I think everyone goes through that feeling, and at the root of all this is the fear of being "outed".

However, there is nothing wrong with what you're doing. Think about it like this: How many men would kill to have a wife who was also into women? Think of all the guys who fantasize about two women being together. Do you think he'd feel ashamed? Most likely not, he probably couldn't wait to get back to his friends to tell them how awesome his wife is - "Dude, my wife is the fucking best. THE. FUCKING. BEST. Last night my wife was with a woman, oh yeah - I forgot to tell you, she's totally into chicks too, and she let me watch as her and her lesbian friend got it on together. Best. Night. Ever." :lol:

Seriously, that's probably how a lot of straight guys would act. Why should you feel any different? You've got a husband whose also into guys. That turns you both on. You're both happy with it. Fearing what other people will think, say, or how they might judge you doesn't matter. Now, I'm not saying you should go out on the rooftops and shout how much you're into two guys being together, but you shouldn't be ashamed or afraid of it, either.

It's part of who you are, and you should be proud of it and embrace it. I think, in the end, it all boils down to sexual shame - which is insanely common, unfortunately. Everyone has at least a little bit of it. Shame will ALWAYS get in the way of good sex.

 

I haven't read every response (some are pretty long) so I don't know if anyone's already said this, but is it really necessary to do a big coming out over this? If it's something that doesn't affect your kids' lives in any way, why not just stop hiding it rather than announcing it formally?

 

^ agree with undercovergypsy..

How about instead of 'having a chat', you just talk openly between yourselves about it rather than being secretive... Treat it like a perfectly reasonable (which it sounds like it is) part of life.. Openly laugh about it even. Then if the kids hear or catch on, it's out without being forced.

 

Let me first address anyone putting doubt about his motives and say that is ridiculous. He is coming out, that process is a personal one and it involves people you know and trust first. People who you know will have your back make it easier for the ones who you can't be sure about.

And as for why his kids and not his parents lets be realistic. Older people are less likely to accept LGBTQ people, they come from a time were we where heavily demonized and are often more religious and set in their ways and thoughts. In addition they are his parents so his leverage to get them to understand is minimal. There really isn't anything he can do to try and avoid rejection but try and make them understand how it hurts him and try to provide them with education which they can easily refuse to hear, read, or acknowledge. And even if they do it is much easier for older people to be set in their ways and ignore it.

Now Kids on the other hand. Todays generation is incredibly informed about LGBTQ people and taught acceptance for them. The majority of youth are tolerant and accepting of LGBTQ people. In addition they are in a phase in their lives where they are still developing their thoughts and ideas and they are open to new information. Plus as parents you have the authority figure thing going for you. In addition if the relationship between him and his kids is good they will seek to accept him rather than reject him as his children.

Moral of the story the idea of coming out to your kids in this situation seems a lot more likely to go ok than your parents. It would be one thing if you guys where divorced because he was bisexual or gay, in which case it would be easy for kids to place blame there, but you seem to have a healthy adult relationship.

As I said before just discuss what details you are comfortable divulging before you have the talk. If they ask if he has had sex with a man, or if it has happened since you guys have been together, or if that had anything to do with the rough patch then you give the reply I wrote earlier or talky o each other about how you would like to respond. Frankly your sex life is not your children's business and you could make that clear up front before the question arises. Just say "we believe in being honest with you and we think you are old enough to know your dad is bisexual. It doesn't mean anything in regards to our relationship, it doesn't change the way things are, we are happy and our relationship is healthy your dad just felt it was time to be honest with you as it bothered him that he was keeping that secret from you. And before any questions about it arise we are not discussing our personal sex lives past or present as we don't feel it is appropriate/ your business/ something we are comfortable discussing. All you need to know is our sex life is fine, unaffected by your dads sexuality, healthy, and we are happy with it."

Also keep in mind coming out is a process. It is one step at a time and we take the easiest steps first and work our way up to the daunting ones like crazy homophobic parents. Coming out to your kids and making sure they are comfortable with it will be a big step towards him telling the rest of his family. Just make it clear to your kids that this is about being honest, and that it is something you are doing because it isn't a good thing for someone to keep that secret from people and that it can be really damaging to feel like you need to hide that part of your identity.

I would also like to point out that if friends or other family know it is likely your kids have heard whispers or know something about it. You may find them not being shocked at all or even responding with "yeah we know." Young people tend to be more aware than people give them credit for

I've taken the time to highlight important things I think might benefit this process for you

- Make sure you have time set aside for this, when you know everyone will be free a few hours or more may be necessary to make sure all questions are answered and that everyone is as comfortable as they can be by the end of it
- Ask your kids what they know about LGBTQ people and what their understanding of sexuality is
- Make it clear that you want them to know this is an open and accepting household and that you want to make sure they have an accurate understanding of sexuality for a variety of reasons ranging from the fact that you have LGBTQ friends, to the fact that their kids could be LGBTQ, and even just because you want them to have a better understanding of their own family, and LGBTQ people they may meet.
- Present them with facts, statistics, and information. Make sure to include information on bisexual people

- here it might be beneficial to point out many bisexual people have happy healthy relationships with people wether it is of the same sex or a different sex
- point out they are no more likely to cheat than any other people (this is statistically verified
- point out that sexuality doesn't change relationships in any way other than the sex of the people in them
- point out that many peoples sexual identity is fluid and it is not uncommon or bad for any person to feel some sort of same sex attraction in their life

- discuss how sexual identity is a very personal thing and how people chose to classify themselves is their own decision based on their personal thoughts, experience, opinions, etc
-explain how coming out is a personal experience that if anyone where to come out to them it is important to keep that information confidential unless they confirm it is ok to tell and explain how it can harm the person telling them if people they are not prepared to find out are told
- discuss why coming out is important for the person who does it and how not telling people has long term damaging effects, that coming out is difficult, and it is important to support people who do

- Now it is time to go into it. Make it clear you want to finish your full thought before they have speak. "we have something we would like to tell you, we think your are old enough and well informed enough to hear it. your dad is bisexual. We have always believed in being honest with you guys and this isn't something he wanted to keep from you as he felt you should know. Before any questions about it arise we are not discussing our personal sex lives past or present as we don't feel it is appropriate/ your business/ something we are comfortable discussing. All you need to know is our sex life is fine, unaffected by your dads sexuality, healthy, and we are happy with it. Know of course if you have general sex questions never be afraid to ask us. As we discussed coming out is a personal thing done for personal reasons this doesn't mean anything is changing or different with me and your dads relationship, all is well and will continue to be so. The only difference is now you know about something that has always been there. Also as we discussed your dad is not ready to tell his parents and them finding out could go very very badly so we would like you to not discuss it with them until he has. Just don't broach the subject with them, not that there is a reason it should come up, and if it somehow comes up all you need to say is that they should discuss it with dad as it isn't your place to talk about it. Do you guys have any questions, concerns, etc? Again remember this is just about being honest with you guys this doesn't mean anything regarding our marriage or relationship."

- if the rough patch comes up all they need to know is it was unrelated
- it will likely be important to touch on the fact that things like this tend to be genetic and that another reason you wanted to have full disclosure is that one of their kids, if they chose to have them, could end up being LGBTQ
- I would be hones that you guys where afraid of how they might take it and hoped they would react well and in an accepting way and that you guys would always have open arms if roles where reversed

- a funny joke about most homophobes being gay and that being statistically verified and how we aren't sure about grandpa may be a good way to keep it light and try and keep it light and witty were you can, it can help.

Remember whatever you do make sure all the details of how you will handle this and what will be said should be discussed with you and your husband, make sure you are on the same page and ok with what information is and isn't disclosed and what points are made. Have the research and information in your head and maybe even on hand. Also decide who will tell them what. You know your kids, something tells me if the reassurance comes from you about how you have known since you got together and it doesn't change anything regarding your relationship may be very important.

There is a good chance your kids reaction will be "if it doesn't mean anything besides 'now we know' whats the big deal? why did we need an informational series?"

Good luck with it all

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2013 at 01:59 AM ----------

Also you can always direct them to this forum! There are plenty of people willing to give advice and perspective here and if you would like an admin should be able to delete any threads you have if you do send them here and don't want that stuff being seen

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2013 at 02:11 AM ----------

Also I think mentioning other people do know and have known for a while and who they are and that you have known for a very long time may be beneficial. it makes it seem like less of a secret new thing and reinforces this is just about honesty and feeling they are ready to hear it. Just note who you wouldn't want to know as of yet.

And to get a little more direct about the person who posted that you or your husband should be ready to handle questions about your personal sex life… No… just no. You by no means should feel any need to talk about your sex life, that is private and no ones business. It doesn't involve anyone but you two and whoever you bring in and it doesn't effect anyone else either. No LGBTQ person that comes out for the sake of being honest and breaking a silence which has created a dishonest portrait of who they are should then be obligated to discuss their private sexual life. I'd say just be clear that nothing beyond general sexual information will be discussed as you don't think it is appropriate for you guys to talk about it with them and make it clear that you are open to all general sex questions gay or straight (and that you are both informed about them) and will always be there to counsel them if they have sexual questions or wish to get advice about their own lives. You may also include that you reserve the right to discuss your personal sex life if it somehow becomes pertinent to your consoling of them or your discussion. If they ask if he has ever had gay sex the answer is "as we said we aren't going there, if you'd like to know about gay sex we can tell you about it thats all the information we are comfortable discussing." Of course make sure you know the information if you start going into details about gay sex they may leave the subject alone

 

I am very curious how this all goes. I actually just approached my wife about being more open with who I am and not worrying about outing myself as much. I am out to my parents/brother/sister, to my wife, online, and to a bunch of friends. I want to be more active in the LGBT community but my wife now fears how her religious friends would react if they found out and how the kids would react.

I am tired of living two lives..

Your husband ever post here?

 

In less words than some other posters have used, I think you'd be surprised at how accepting young people are these days - many parents were surprised at the reaction of their children after coming out, usually a response along the lines of, "Oh, alright. What's for dinner?" and everything continues as it has.

Gay side... I can definitely relate. Living in a heteronormative society, I conditioned myself to think, behave, and even feel certain ways. Interacting with gay and bisexual men, I can show another side of myself, and it's very personal and difficult to explain. It's like I can be the best "me", since most of my life has been fighting off accusations of being "womanly" or "gay" in some way or another. Like less of a man, basically, and now more than ever, I feel closer to being a man than I had been, living a lie.

I don't want to say I "pity" straight people, but wow - the relief, the elation one feels when they're able to freely express this side of themselves... no words can do it justice. It was a natural high, and I still remember crying/laughing while coming out to my ex girlfriend. There are studies to back up how healthy it is for LGBT individuals to come out... imagine keeping your gender, or your race a secret for years. It would probably slowly wear you down. This is why it's so important to share such an important part of your identity with those closest to you.

 

I actually came here to find and meet people like your husband (and you)..

My wife is so afraid of me outing and it distorting every relationship we have in our community

 

Living in the closet is horrible... I was only there for a few months, but not until a few weeks before coming out did it really take it's toll, and I was suffering insomnia, depression, and panic attacks, along with the countless physical symptoms. It got so bad that I *had* to tell someone, or watch my health and my life go down the drain.

The shame, guilt, fear, pain, confusion, resentment, anger slowly went away after coming out to close friends and family. I came out as "questioning" and "might be gay", but it was a start. It is not your wife's life - it's yours, and if you keep this up... things can't get much better.

Shadows are for vampires, not gay men.