There I said it... I'm new to the gay sex scene and don't really know what I'm doing. I'm in my mid 30's, I've been out for 6 months and in a relationship with the same man for that entire time, and he is the first man I've been sexual with. These are my questions: 1.) Is unusual for two men to have different libidos? I can go all the time everyday, but he is fine with 2 or 3 times a week. Somehow I always imagined that the stereotype of men being whores would be true and that two men would have sex all the time. 2.) Over the past six months, we've only had anal sex a handful of times, the BF on bottom and me on top. We haven't had it in sometime, so I mentioned this and he told me that for him, he can be fine with having anal only a couple of times a year. Is this unusual? For me, anal sex is the ultimate form intimacy but he doesn't seem to share that view. Is it wrong of me to think this way? 3.) After we hadn't had anal sex for a while, I thought he might want to be on top and just afraid to ask, so I mentioned it as I am also curious to see what it feels like myself. When I mentioned this, he seemed taken aback and uncomfortable at the whole idea of him being on top and me on bottom. Then he told me that he had never been a top before. Is this unusual? If he is a 100% bottom, was it a faux pas to ask to try something different? He didn't say he'd never do it, all he said was maybe down the road. He has been out for the better part of a decade. 4.) While the BF is out going in many regards, he is rather reserved with talking about sex, while I am much more direct. The good news is that we talk about it. However, how can I make my needs known, while at the same time making him feel comfortable enough to share with me his own needs? Your input on these questions would be greatly appreciated!
Hi there. Congrats con being out! 1) In my little life experience, not at all. There was a guy who had the same or more drive as me (I could do it always), and there was this other guy who only needed it like one time every 4 months(i know I was the only person who he had sex with). I think it really depends on the guy. 2) Do you know if he feels pleasure when being a bottom? The part of "anal only a couple times a year" ticks me a bit, but then again maybe it's age. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough when doing it. Another option is maybe your relationship is that good in the romatic and hanging out part (emotional). To me it is unusual if you're in a relationship, but then again I'm 21, I don't have or have heard much of these experiences. I don't think you're wrong in thinking that way, myself included and some of the gay guys I know think of it that way. 3) If he has never had the chance to be a top, it could probably be the first time he actually thought about it. If he seemed uncomfortable maybe he has a few things he doesn't like about being a top. Frankly it strikes me as a bit unusual. I don't think it's wrong in any way to ask him if he wants to bottom. I know a few relationships where there were "top only" guys who after a while ended up being versatile with their partners, and viceversa. I believe it's something that happens when you try to spice up your sex life and connect better...or something like that. 4)I think this is all about trust. You could have a serious talk about it one day. Maybe try asking him what positions he likes, what his past experiences have been, or something along the line to start with. Then what he thinks about sex. And then move along that conversation to your sex life and express what you feel. That you have X needs and you're all ears if there is an issue about it. Talking about it honestly is the best option to me. I hope this helps
1. Not strange at all. I had the same issue with my partner. I expected our daily sex that we had at the beginning of our relationship to continue, but he doesn't work that way.. He's closer to once or twice per week. We've settled in at around 2 or 3 times, with maybe an extra time or two where he'll help me cum but not cum himself. We've managed mostly to make it work, but it's still difficult for me sometimes. 2. Again, not strange. Some gay guys don't do anal at all -- just not their thing. Anal sex is not necessarily the defining kind of sex gay people have in the same way vaginal intercourse is for straights. That being said though, if you have a need for much more frequent anal sex than your partner can provide, then you may not be a match, sexually. It's sad, but sometimes even if everything else is right, sexual mismatches like this can mean the relationship might not work. Of course, try to reach a compromise that you can both be happy with - splitting the difference, maybe opening up the relationship -- there are many options. 3. Could be that he has no interest in topping, or that he's just never really been with someone who wanted to bottom for him before. Only way to be sure is to talk to him about it! I find it hard to fathom how someone couldn't enjoy topping -- but they are out there! I do think though, that unless it's actually unpleasant for him, that it is something he should do for you, if you guys want to be able to have a strong sex life. 4. This one I think it the real issue behind all the others. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you can't have open, honest, frank discussions with your partner about these issues, then the chances of you working them out is slim. You guys need to talk about this stuff. Have a conversation about having more conversations in the future. It needs to be an ongoing discussion in which neither party feels like they 'did something wrong', but that both people are being heard, and that adjustments are being made. You just need to put your needs on the table. And ask him what his are. Point blank, but in a loving way. Establish a repore so that it is easier to have future conversations.
So here is something else with regards to communication. We've spoke several times about sex, but mainly about the differences in libido. My question is when is the best time to bring up these conversations regarding sex? I don't want to spoil the moment by bringing it up right before, and, I don't always be the one to lay on a heavy conversation. He told me from the beginning that he is not good with expressing his feelings, so the fact that we've had a number of open and honest conversations about awkward topics is promising, as I am certainly not great at it my self. The other night I wanted to fool around and he didn't so I backed off. Then he kept asking me if I was alright, and I said yes (horny but okay), so long as it isn't something to do with me (i.e. that he still finds me attractive but just isn't in the mood) which he assured me it wasn't. Long story short, we talked for awhile but didn't really reach any conclusions other than we have different libidos, he doesn't want me to stop putting the moves on him, and I want to make sure that he feels comfortable talking to me about these things etc. Sometimes when he isn't in the mood, I have jerked off next to him in bed with his consent. Sometimes this has led to sex and sometimes not. I can tell when it hasn't led to sex that he finds it awkward. So the other night when he wasn't in the mood, I asked if he minded and he said yes, but I knew it still bothered him. I did finally get him to tell me that he found it a little awkward, but that he wanted me to take care of myself so it was okay to do it. Should I continue this or not? With regards to the top / bottom thing, I'd really like to try the bottom because I never done it before. We've had anal sex three or 4 times and I've always been on top, which I like, but I'd like to know what it feels like on bottom. I've only really brought it up once, and alluded to it maybe another time in the past 6 weeks. He has not said no he won't, but maybe down the road. Do I bring this up again, and if so, how?
Definitely bring up bottoming again. But don't make it sound like some burden you are placing on him. This is something he _gets_ to do that he's never done before! It's a plus! Treat it that way. The issue with not always wanting to get into a big heavy convo, I totally understand. I have the same problem.. when is it better to let things be, and when is it better to have the conversation. It's a delicate balance and there are no perfect answers. Try your best to keep the conversation light. This isn't about what either of you are doing wrong, it's about improving both of your sex lives. And lastly, if he finds it awkward to have you jerk off beside him (which I kinda agree with -- I can't cum with my parter just laying there beside me -- he either has to participate, even it he's not cumming, or I have to go into the other room to finish myself off), then you two need to work out some way where one of you heads into the other room for ten minutes. I do it all the time.
Nope, not unusual at all. In my experience, a new relationship may have a lot more sex and then things slow down, either for no definite reason or because you both have things to do or see each other more if living together or whatever. But even over and above that, different guys just have different sex drives. There have been several threads on EC about frequency of masturbation. Some guys do it multiple times per day, some guys 1-2x a week (and age is not a factor in these cases). Sex works kind of the same way. Again, not unusual. Some guys love anal, some find it just so-so or something to do only when the mood strikes. Some don't have any interest in it at all for various reasons. A former relationship of mind loved topping and we did anal probably 3-5x a week. My current partner and I have maybe done it half a dozen times in 16yrs. I can't really agree with the idea of anal being the ultimate form of intimacy and your partner may not agree with that view either. This may be something you should discuss. There are lots of ways to express intimacy and while your view isn't 'wrong' since this is a matter of opinion all around, you should both try to get clear on what you each like and how to compromise so you are both feeling satisfied. Don't know how unusual it is. On EC most people seem to either have no preference or be willing to switch for the sake of their partner's pleasure even if they prefer one role over the other. But there are presumably 100% bottoms in the world. Given his reaction, I'd speculate that there is a psychological component to his preference. Meaning that he finds the idea of being inside a guy or inside an anus uncomfortable or had a bad experience in some fashion or something. This is something you guys should discuss in a gentle and supportive manner. I'd suggest telling him how much you care about him and you really want to make him feel good and would like to talk about how to do that. Based on some of what you said earlier in the thread, I'd suggest sitting down somewhere comfortable some weekend and just talking with him. On a more practical application note: Perhaps after talking with him, the two of you could have sex, but rather than just going at it, take it slow, explore each others bodies, and talk about what you like, how things feel, what you don't like, and what you'd like more or less of or how you'd like things adjusted (do that again, but a little to the left. That's it) as you go along. Have fun with it and no hurry to try to finish in a hurry. Finally, and again looking at stuff you posted later in the thread - if you need to get up and go out of the room to masturbate then either talk this out and agree to it so neither of you needs to feel embarrassed. Or schedule things so that you just have some 'alone time' to take care of this from time to time to take the edge off but are still ready and willing when he is. Perhaps discuss either him initiating more or setting up a 'date night', some specific night(s) each week when you guys will have sex. This gets expectations clear (it needs to be a compromise between you re frequency) and knowing that its coming may also make it easier for you to hold off until then and for him to be in the mood on those nights. This has worked rather well for my partner and I who started doing this a month or so ago IIRC. Hope this helps, Todd
