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Does Coming Out really help resolve Depression?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by iadsfo, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. Exstatic

    Exstatic
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    @iadsfo... wow, just wow... i'm learning a lot from your story (and journey). Just keep up your positivity.
     
    #41 Exstatic, Aug 18, 2013
  2. iadsfo

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    Exstatic = thank you for the note and words of encouragement.

    ---------- Post added 18th Aug 2013 at 08:15 AM ----------

    Tightrope - Thanks for the insight. It makes sense. Peace.

    ---------- Post added 18th Aug 2013 at 08:19 AM ----------

    bdman - Thank you for your contribution and advice.
     
    #42 iadsfo, Aug 18, 2013
  3. aardvark

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    iadsfo - thank you for your response. I think this is one of the most powerful threads that I've ever read. Although you are feeling as if you're nearing the gutter when I read that you're out and exploring the gay world I see a sort of re-birth for you. I am excited for you! You are obviously wise and introspective so I see only positive in the "big picture" of your future.

    Please keep posting and keep us updated.
     
    #43 aardvark, Aug 18, 2013
  4. mnguy

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    Iadsfo, thanks for the thoughtful response. I'm sorry for what the ex did; that really sucks. It sounds like you're getting back on track which is great and I hope it keeps going that way. :thumbsup:
     
    #44 mnguy, Aug 18, 2013
  5. crickett

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    Your question is will depression disseminate once one comes out of the closet. My personal answer is no. However, I have a lot of baggage too. My plate is filled with stress of unemployment, finances, issues with elderly mother with dementia, elder care finances, and now coming out of the closet as a gay man. I am 54, this is stressful enough. However, when I came out within the last month, it was initially as if a burden had been lifted briefly.

    I have know that I was gay since I was 12/13 grade 7. I have suppressed or repressed my true sexual urges. I have gunny sacked my feeling for years. It took me a while to come out. Initially, I stated, I am straight, a lie. Then I could say to my self I am gay curious, closer to the truth but still a lie. Now being truthful I can say loud and proud to some that I am a gay man.

    Due to the years of self sacrifice and not being true to my self all these feeling were socked away into the sack. Now that I am in the process of coming out, these emotions are bubbling up. I am now having to deal with these issues. Before, I could just box them away. I can't now.

    Am I whole yet? No. I am getting better? Yes, slowly. I have also had depression for several years. I should be on meds but due to unemployment, I am off my meds for now.

    Once I started the coming out process it was a whirlwind and roller coaster ride. Some days were up and others down. Right now, I am having more days down than up. This is all due to the enormous burden of Stress that I have on my plate. Depression, I have come to understand, will be something I will always have to work through.

    One thing that helps me is to journal my thoughts. Don't be nice--be honest. If it helps you when you write to say expletive expletive --then do it. This is your journal, your thoughts, your feelings. We all can get to our true selves. It will take time.

    Again, being depressed depends what is already on your plate. My plate is so full that I cannot put one more thing on it. I am depressed on most days. Exercise helps some.
     
    #45 crickett, Aug 20, 2013
  6. KyleD

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    I have been depressed since I was 12 - the age I realized I was gay. I just came out to myself just about a month ago and I do feel a lot better. Coming out to other people will be a huge process for me.
     
    #46 KyleD, Aug 21, 2013
  7. Choirboy

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    In my case, it was kind of turned on its head. Coming out (to myself and a few others) didn't cause or correct any depression, but I think BECOMING less depressed in the first place (due to feeling physically better after some weight loss and a couple medical issues being resolved) actually was one of the things that ALLOWED me to accept myself and start the coming-out process in the first place. I felt so dramatically better physically after a couple months that I was able to think straight (or--NOT think "straight"? lol) and come to some pretty obvious conclusions.

    Of course, I still have financial issues that scare the crap out of me, and I am almost physically restraining myself from telling my wife because of the stress she is already under. But I'd rather be scared and angry than depressed any day.
     
    #47 Choirboy, Aug 21, 2013
  8. iadsfo

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    Hi all. Well, I think I can answer the question for myself now, though I am glad I posted it as the responses have been incredible and have benefited many, I do believe. The short answer is no, at least it is not an immediate resolution or even improvement. At least not in my case.

    But first let me catch you up with my life. I am still mourning the lost of the first bf in Dallas. Not sure why I am so unable to move on from someone that treated me so cruelly. Perhaps because he was the first man that wasn't a blood relative that told me he loved me? Or the first man that seemed to accept me for who I really am and whom I completely opened up to without having a hide any part of me, only to later reject me without warning? At any rate, between the sudden loss of this relationship and all contact with him (he cut off all communication) and keeping the fact that I was no longer living at home with my wife a secret from everyone in my life, my mood has been mighty depressive with daily bouts of tears.

    On the positive side, however, on 4 August 2013 I met this local guy via an online dating site and we hit it off right away and have been casually dating ever since, seeing each other about three times a week. We get along fabulously, both in and out of bed. We spent the Labor Day weekend at a gay resort in Guerneville and are planning on spending Thanksgiving week together in Palm Springs. He has introduced me to many of his friends, most of whom are gay men, and with him I have explored the gay bars locally for the first time (and without the pressure of looking for someone to hook up with). We eat out at local restaurants, go to the movies together, and went to the Folsom Street and Castro Street fairs. Where ever we go we seem to get noticed (well, truth be told it is mostly him that gets noticed). I am a pale white guy with platinum blonde/grey hair and he is a strikingly handsome (former model) very dark brown guy from southern India with jet black hair. We could hardly be more opposite in appearance. And we have never gone out without him running into at least three different people that he knows and says hi to and I get to meet. His comfort level of PDA far, far, far, far, far exceeds mine and I have learned to allow him to hold my hand, walk down the street with his arm around my waist, and kiss me in full public view. I didn't even do any of that with my wife when we were together. I have grown so much as a gay man thanks to him I will forever be in his debt.

    But on the "open gay lifestyle" scale, the gap between us is stark. I am still closeted to everyone except my wife and have not even told people I moved out of the house six months ago. He is out and living proudly and an activist of gay rights. He is a big advocate of embracing and celebrating one's gayness 100%; something I am clearly not doing.

    So, somehow, I gathered up the courage to tell a good friend that my wife and I were no longer living together and the reason why - that I am gay. Actually, while I tried to gather up the courage it was more like the pressure of living a double life finally was too much and I cracked and spilled the beans. It was a bit surreal. Her response: "Oh, I've known you were gay the whole time I have known you. I don't care. That doesn't change anything. I still care for you and love you as a friend. I never understood why you were married to a woman; it didn't make any sense. How could I not know? Did you think I couldn't see how curious you were around men? Or how attentive you were to attractive guys? I'm so happy for you that you finally figured it out and decided to live your life more authentically. Congratulations! Give me a big hug." Huh? All of the fears and doubts I had come up with in my head about what would happened when I told someone I was gay that have held me back for all this time turned out to be 100% completely false and without merit. At this point I was expecting to suddenly feel light, have a huge weight of troubles life off my shoulders, to feel happy and content. Alas, it was not to be. There was no lifting of weight or sense of huge relief. And it has not followed in the days since either. Still, I am glad I did it. Finally I have a friend I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not any longer. If only she had told me what she knew about me 9 years before I figured it out....
     
    #48 iadsfo, Nov 7, 2013
  9. greatwhale

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    Don't sweat that you don't feel "lighter", that will come eventually. In the meantime, congratulations on taking these first steps into your new life and relationship!

    All of this site, the LGBT movement, liberation and freedom and equality, the whole shooting match all boils down to one essential thing...

    Love.
     
    #49 greatwhale, Nov 7, 2013
  10. PeteNJ

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    For me, coming out is continual. I made a huge leap this summer, coming out to nearly every adult leader in scouts. Didn't realize until I did - and how I felt afterwards, that every act of being authentic is totally a self affirmation.

    For me, getting over depression was also about learning to just be with and sit with my feelings of sadness, uncertainty, anxiety, depression.

    For me that made a huge difference in overcoming my depression.

    I'm not "happy" every day for sure. Some days are damn stressful and hard. But it's all within truly, deeply being happy and joy filled, in my gut, even when the day sucks.

    /p
     
    #50 PeteNJ, Nov 8, 2013
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