I am 30 I am very confused regarding my identity I came out in my early twenties as gay I had a 3 year relationship with a man at that time that was very fulfilling I was very happy living as an openly gay man in a gay neighborhood The relationship fizzled due to personality differences I has financial problems and asked my mother for help She promised to help me if I became straight I joined a cult and tried to date women I did not have sex with them 2 years later I started dating a women and out of pity tried to have sex with her It was miserable I have exited that relationship. The only thing that sexually excites me is gay adult entertainment I am afraid of sex due to the risk of HIV and wonder how I could meet a man I can trust In my life I have had 2 sexual experiences with women and they have been unfulfilling I am sorry I am so messed up I just keep thinking how happy I was in that city living with my boyfriend for many years as an openly gay successful man Am I straight or gay? Is it worth trying to become sexually attracted to women?:help: Where do I go from here?
I would say that you are gay. Only you really know what you're attracted to, though. But if you have to try and make yourself be attracted to women and it does not come naturally, that is not good to do, in my opinion. No one should feel that they have to be either gay or straight in order to fit in with others' norms or religious beliefs. If men turn you on, and you were happy dating a man, and are not attracted to women.. it seems to me that you should proudly ID as gay.
You're definitely gay, I mean...there's really no question about it. I think the real problem you have is that you have some hardcore self-esteem issues that you need to work on to be happy again. You need to be your own person, an independent person, as in, you can't let your mother dictate who you're going to be. Nothing you do, nothing, will make you straight. You lived a lie for a while, and you saw how unhappy and depressed it made you. From just your post I can't even begin to imagine how deeply depressed and lost you must have been. So, to answer your question, no, it isn't worth it to pretend to like women to appease others. And you can avoid HIV by being safe. Always practice safe sex, get yourself tested occasionally. And don't sleep around. You'll find love the same way you found it once before. You were happy once, you can be again. It's up to you to decide where you want to look for it. ^_^
You should also realize that there is nothing wrong, evil, or sinful about being gay. I am not in the business to completely alienate anyone who's religious, being new here.. but religious taboos against homosexuality are both outdated and foolish. I grew up in a religion that preached about basically everything enjoyable being a sin, until I was 15. I then dropped religion, and it's taken me these fifteen years plus, to begin living free and un-learning all of the hateful beliefs that I was taught. In doing so, the past 10 years have really helped me to solidify my ID. Again.. there is nothing wrong with you for being gay.
