I need some advice on how to fully accept myself, i'm a 22 year old gay man, still in the closet. Theres nothing i would like more than to be able to come out and not have this secret hanging over me. My problem is that ive grown up with fairly homophobic parents as an only child with the expectation of marriage and children pressed on me from an early age. I know that this has had an effect on my own opinions because despite the fact that i know im gay, i know i was born gay and i know i cant change it, i cant help but hate what i am and feel disgusted at the thought of being in a relationship with a man let alone being sexually active. I spent my adolescence trying to be straight, having relationships with girls, trying to forcibly change what i find attractive, but none of it worked. I've managed to tell 3 people so far about who i am and each time it took copious amounts of alcohol. The first person i told was my closest cousin and i havent actually spoken to her since and its been 2 years. I managed to tell my best friends who i now currently live with and theyre both accepting of who i am and its a complete non issue for them. They actually found it funny when they thought back and saw all the clues. The problem is i know its all me, its all in my head. I'm not financially dependent on my parents, so i have no fear of homelessness. My flatmates both know and are accepting of who i am. I want to be able to accept myself and live openly, but despite this i still hate who i am. I've suffered with periodic insomnia and bouts of depression for years now and i just know that if i can get over this and accept myself then it will get rid of both of these things. Basically what im asking is if you guy and gals have any advice on how to conquer internalised homophobia, it would be much appreciated.
If it really matters to you, and you're free from your parents' money, I think you should just go for it. Sure, they might shun you for a few years, but since you're on your own, you don't have much to fear financially. After a few years I think they'd manage to come around and accept that you're gay. Or, they might be like the people who "hate gay marriage until their own kid is gay."
I feel like such a coward, im so afraid to tell my family. I've lived as a 'straight' man for so long its terrifying to tell anyone. I've had women at work ask me out and i just brush them off, and my male co-workers do the whole straight man thing and check out women and i chime in the conversation with my own comments on them, without even realising im doing it. I cant imagine just coming out to these people who have heard me talk about my kind of woman. Then there's my parents, my mum so desperately wants to be a grandma. She's recently survived cancer and has gone into overdrive with the nagging me for a grandbaby and a daughter-in-law. It kills me inside that i cant give that to her.
My story is similar to yours in some ways, CTJ. I'm already estranged from my parents (not because I'm gay - they simply are the kind of people who shouldn't have kids...), so thankfully I don't have any worries on that score. However, I've been trying to force myself to be straight my whole life. I knew I wasn't 'normal' by the time I was about 13 or 14, but I was already bullied so much at school there was no way I could come out, voluntarily or otherwise. I've finally accepted myself for who I am, after going on for 20 years of self denial. It's like a massive weight off my shoulders. I'm just getting ready to tell some of my friends at the moment. I'm dreading it, in some ways, but at least I'll find out who my friends really are. I hope it goes well for you - good luck.
Given-to-fly, How did you finally get over the self denial and accept yourself? I find it so hard, if i catch myself checking a guy out on the street (which has been alot with the weather this week) i sort of mentally scold myself incase someone catches me. It's like i dont understand how people can be proud of themselves, its such a foreign idea to me. (btw, your 'out status' of having supper with Mr Tumnus made me laugh as i've always considered myself as 'chillin with Aslan'
Welcome to EC I pretty much thought the same as you until a year ago (also 22) but I realised that I could continue to self-loath for years to come, feeling depressed, lonely and disgusting or I could go 'f*** it! there's no way to change this so I may aswell embrace my orientation' I decided to come out to my sister (without any alcohol xD) last October and it must have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can remember my heart beating really fast the moments before I told her. She accepted me and said it didn't matter ^^ It was like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. There is still a long way for me to go but the important thing is that I'm getting there. Anyways, can you imagine getting married to a woman and having children while feeling like a zombie for the rest of your life? I'm thinking not, so the only way to move forward is to accept yourself and hold your head up high. You must learn to love who you are otherwise you will just be depressed all the time. I completely understand the internalised homophobia as I've been there (I think most of EC has) but you can't let this go on for your whole life. Everyone deserves to love and be loved back. Your question about people being proud, well I don't think they are actually proud to be lgbt but its more of a 'i dont give a crap what anyone thinks' attitude. It would certainly be easier if we were straight but there is nothing we can do about this so just make the most of a sucky situation. Stay strong! (*hug*)
You know there are ways to have a still pretty "normal life" You can marry a nice guy and could even use surogacy to have a child, or maybe adoption. =)
CTJ, for me, it was pretty much a case of waking up one morning (cliched I know) and thinking 'I've had enough of this'. I can go on denying who I am, and probably die lonely and bitter, or I can accept it and sort myself out. I can't change the way I am - God knows I've tried. Like you I'd catch myself looking at guys in the street, no matter how much I try not to. I'd force myself to look at girls but, although I can appreciate good looks, they donothing for me. Even watching porn, I realised I was looking more at the blokes - I must be the only guy I know who isn't turned on in the slightest by lesbian porn! My biggest disappointment is the knowledge that I won't have children, but better that than an unhappy fake relationship and children that will sense that something isn't right.
Thanks for the advice guys, i've been reading over some of the coming out stories on EC and it seems there are far more positive experiences than bad ones. I'm gonna try and speak to a friend at work, shes gay and has been out for a long time, i just need to pluck up the courage to tell her and ask her for some help. Given-to-fly, i came across your thread and i just wanted to congratulate you. Reading about what you've overcome and how hard you're trying to turn your life around after having such a rough time is really quite inspirational. This is the first time ive ever been on a forum like this and i sort of just stumbled upon it, but reading stories like yours and having people actually reply is helping no end. Hopefully, with help, i'll be able to finally get over this damned internalised hatred and live life to the full.
I think asking that friend for help will be a very good decision CTJ! Hope that goes well & it does help! And yeah once you get rid of the internalised hatred you will feel less fear about letting people know about this. In a way accepting it yourself is the hardest step & from what your saying your getting closer to accepting now! Being an only child myself I know what it feels like having the pressure of giving parents the happiness of a wedding & giving them grandchildren as their dreams are really all on us in that sense, they have no other childs wedding or children to look forward to. But at the end of the day it's not fair to hold that guilt as we have done nothing wrong and living a lie (getting married to a girl & staying in the closet) is not even an option. That lie can end up in many more lives being ruined, not to mention way more guilt.
Hi CTJ Given to fly has pretty much told my story of waking up and deciding "enough is enough" I dont give a crap who objects,im coming out,and that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. There comes a point where you want to come out,but at the same time you "just cant do it",this is where you have to weigh up the pros and cons because the stress you are causing yourself is often greater than the stress of coming out.In my opinion,this whole coming out-thing gets to a point where it starts eating away at you all the time,in all of your thoughts etc,at this point you just dont care what anybody else thinks about you,all you want is to be out,so you go for it. As far as accepting yourself and getting more comfortable with who you are,in my honest opinion the best thing i did when in your situation was to go out and find some openly gay people to socialise with.Just being with others just like youself who also happen to lead perfectly happy and productive lives soon make you realise that the only differance between a gay or straight person is the gender they fancy.It also helps to be seen out, in situations where others are obviously going to asume that you are gay,it is such a pleasant surprise to realize that most people just dont care. My one last bit of advice is that when you decide the time has come and your telling people,just keep it simple and to the point,keep confident and dont turn it into a big drama.Basicaly if you dont make a big issue of it niether will the person that you are telling. Good luck and keep us updated.
CSM123, I think i'm definitely at that point in my life where I want to come out but I just cant bring myself to it. The way you describe how it eats away at you and becomes your only thought, its exactly where i'm at. I spend my days consciously altering any part of my behaviour away from anything that might give clues to my being gay. Like i naturally cross my legs at the knee when i sit, or i have dramatic hands when talking, both of these cliches come naturally to me, but i try and avoid them as much as possible. It's quite sad really, when i think about it, how everything i do, everything i say, is preplanned to avoid being accidentally outed. The problem is, is all this is second nature, it's like ive been telling a lie for so long that ive actually started believing it myself. Like when i was around 15, with my infinite teenage wisdom, i decided that living alone would be better than living as myself. So i started pushing people away, telling them i like my alone time. I told people that i hated kids and didnt want any, and after so long telling these lies, its actually become true. I do get annoyed with people quickly and find it hard to be in a group for extended periods and i really cannot stand children, theyre sticky, smelly and usually covered in jam or chocolate. (i imagine my attitude would change should i actually have my own kid) I long for the day i can get over this, i feel so pathetic whining on the internet about my problems and how i hate myself. It just goes against my inbuilt British stiff upper lip attitude of not talking about problems and just burying them deep down.
I don't think I've ever been called inspirational before. I figure you only live once, and it's time I started living. I've spent most of my live so far hating myself - my time at school was awful, and home was not much better, and that has been hard to get over. Until I had a bit of a breakdown about six weeks ago, I'd never told anyone my life story - like you CTJ I spent so much energy pushing people away - I'd already experienced what it's like to be dumped by so-called friends when the going got tough, and I wanted to avoid that happening again. In the end, allowing my friend to be there for me and telling him about my constant depression was the best thing I ever did - I'm pretty sure it's saved my life, since now that it is out in the open I can start to deal with it, and move on knowing that there is someone I can talk to who knows what is up. The oly thing I haven't told anyone yet is the parallel story of my denial of my sexuality - but today's the day. I'm going to come out to my best friend today, I just hope he's still a friend by this evening... Fingers crossed... My worst fear apart from losing the few friends I trust, is that of being 'past it' - I feel like I've wasted what should have been the best years of my life. Now I'm 31, and I've let myself go in some ways. I hope it's not too late!
G-T-F, good luck with your friend today! I'm sure he'll be supportive of you and help you along. Let me know how it goes.
Hi, CTJ It went better than I ever could've dreamed of - he was really supportive, he just wants to see me happy, especially after all the shit I've been through in the past. Admittedly I've never had any reason to think he would be any other way, but I really am, surprised it went so well. I was even confident enough to tell his girlfriend a few hours later, who considered it a non-issue as far as I could tell. Longer version in my ongoing thread here Suffice to say, I'm over the moon right now :-D
Congrats G-T-F! I'm so happy that it went well for you! I had a bit of a set back today Me and my dad usually go out for dinner once every month or so because we hardly see each other. So i asked if he wanted to go out today, psyched myself up to tell him and when we arrive at the restaurant he casually mentions his friend is coming too. I completely chickened out and just sort of ate my dinner in silence while they talked about work. I feel abit shitty about it tbh.
Hey, Sorry it didn't work for you yesterday. It a bit of a blow to built it up in your mind then not get a chance to say what you want to, as I've found out. Hope you get there soon though.
