Underage Relationship

I've got another equation: 15 + 27 = a huge fucking mess.

Far be it from me call into question the true motives and emotions of another, but one thing I don't question is the law.

If you two have had "relations" this guy could get thrown in jail.

I think that it is best to ease your way out of this..it is not a healthy situation for you to be in.

 

Oh hun, I know how you feel. When I was 15 I dated an 18 year old, and while that's not nearly as bad as a 27 year old, I know at 15 you look for the older more mature men because the boys around your age are immature, am I right?. But, everyone on here who said get out of that relationship is absolutely right. That's not healthy at all. I say at your age anything over two or three years is too much. I had issues with my 18 year old friend dating a 26 year old! For you it's more than just legal issues, it's also life issues. You two are in total opposite end of life. You're just starting out high school. He's finished high school, probably college and most likely has been working in the real world for some time. He has so much more experience than you and the fact that he's doing something about your relationship is a big red flag. He should know better. So as many have said, your really need to end it, for both your sakes.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but taking into account the different stages you're at in your lives I would be suspicious of why he's still interested in you. I know that sounds mean and I'm sorry for that, but for a lot of people his age it's essential for a prospective partner to have a job and not be too dependent on other people.
I guess the question you should ask yourself is would he be dating someone his age who has never had a job (or maybe works flipping burgers) and who still lives with their parents? If not, then why is that less of an issue when it's you?
If someone his age was to make a list of positive and negative things about you (in terms of who they want to date) then those things would definitely be on the negatives list. What's compensating for them? Is there enough on the 'positives' list to make up for all the problems that come with the age gap? Or does making that list longer require adding some things you'd rather not think about?

 

They could very well have a great deal in common. Personality wise, they could be a wonderful mesh.

but the fact is, even if the most morally sound and wonderful 27 year old met the most emotionally mature and compatible 15 year old, and they entered into a sexual relationship, it would still be wrong.

It is wrong to disregard the emotional connection between these two people as immediately meaningless. It could very well have a great deal of meaning to both of them... but even if he does have the naivety to believe that he is doing nothing wrong, that doesn't make it any less of a wrong.

But seriously, everyone... Think about how judgemental words regarding a relationship are going to affect the younger partner involved in that relationship. If you're going to imply wrongdoing, the natural human reaction for even the innocent partner in the relationship is going to be guilt... and the stronger your words are, the stronger the guilt you are going to impart is. Every relationship involves (at least) two people. When you morally attack the relationship, you (perhaps indirectly and perhaps unintentionally) attack both parties involved in it. That is going to evoke either: a) guilt, which in our OP's case is unwarranted, or b) indignant denial, which in our OP's case won't lead to any progression on the problem at hand.

In short, it is not going to help. It is a hard subject to relax about, but everyone, please... Relax.

It is certain that our OP is not deserving of such guilt, and it COULD very well be that her 27 year old boyfriend, despite his criminal involvement, is just a misguided youth in an adult's body. That is not meant in any way to defend the circumstance he finds himself in... but until facts are known, judging won't help.

 

I have sought extra help for this thread. I have a very, very good friend who is much, much more eloquent and insightful than i am; a friend to whom i turn when i reach an emotional dead end... He is much better at versing emotional sentiment than i, but much to my chagrin i find myself tasked with editing his raw thoughts to best suit this dilemma. Forgive me please if this strikes the wrong note with anybody. Words from here on in are not my own, nor are they my aforementioned friend's, but a mix of both. I will leave any words that are purely mine in plain text, and those of my unnamed friend's in italics. Pazzaragazza, please read this.

I absolutely agree that love knows no age limits. Although my relationships have mostly been of similar age, I don't see why age should be a defining factor for a relationship.

The thing is, age is not what is wrong here. I know it's not something you want to hear, and it's probably the opposite of what you are hearing from your boyfriend (and let's face it, he's going to tell you, most of the time, what you want to hear, right - things are all romantic and fuzzy and you're treating each other like royalty), but the problem is maturity. How do I know this?

1. If you were mature enough to deal with a real nitty gritty relationship with a 27 year old, with all its ups and all its downs (rather than the fuzzy soft romantic easy relationship that you have, and he's under no inclination to change), you wouldn't have to ask on a forum "how weird is this?".
I'm not even saying you're immature, real relationships are damn hard, and I'm daunted as hell by them even if I do them, and I'm over a decade older than you, but what you have is not an adult, mature relationship. He is keeping this comfortable for you, and whether that's with good or bad intentions makes no difference. Adult, meaningful relationships are not told to the secret few, these relationships have lows, they're not just fuzzy and romantic and comfortable, as fiction in its various forms (books, movies, even what you hear from your friends and perhaps family) would have you understand. As fun as it is, and as special as it is, what you have is not an adult relationship, and given time, were it to become one, you would see things changing between you two very fast.

2. He is 27. With no offense intended to you, for him to pursue a relationship with you, this makes him either emotionally immature or insincere. The sad truth is if you throw a rock on a busy street, you'll probably hit 5 people with it who have been in a relationship with someone who they trusted deeply, only for it to turn out that their intentions were completely different to what they seemed at the time. This is pseudojim speaking again, and i can vouch for this sentiment. I'm emotionally susceptible, and have been hurt deeply in the past by people who are more emotionally savvy than myself. They may not have meant to do it, it's not as though everyone who hurts anyone else is necessarily an evil person, but it's a natural consequence of what can happen when two people of vastly different emotional experience come into close contact over a long period of time.

3. You state your age as 15 and a half. I'm really sorry, pazzaragazza, but no-one entering into a relationship with a 27 year old has any business giving their age in halves, as if 15 is too young for a relationship, but 6 months extra might make it ok.

The question is who are you trying to convince? I get the impression that either you want people agreeing with you and wishing you well, to make you feel more secure, or to condemn you for it, so you can write them off as just misunderstanding closed-minded people who just can't comprehend the love you guys have. But the question is: why you have to feel more secure?! Because the age difference, despite what you say, really does bother you in some way. That's my opinion.

So my opinion (and bear in mind, this is only based on a few sentences from you, it could all be wrong, but I'm pretty confident in it) is that you are insecure about the age difference (and not just because of what others think), and that you aren't emotionally developed enough yet to have a relationship with someone over a decade older than you, and that the relationship you have is not a healthy adult one.

What to do? Well plenty of people have already pointed out the legal issues, so I won't add that to this already large amount of text, but you do have to keep that in mind. My main point though is not to tell you that things are horrible and that you must be in an abusive relationship (though you may be and not realise it yet). However, it's not a real relationship in adult terms, and continuing it could hurt you in many ways: it could stick you in a holding pattern for relationships where you don't even know how to go about a serious relationship, he could get sick of playing nice for you and feeding you all the positive, and things between you would implode, or he could be insincere about his intentions, and this could backfire on you. Or possibly the worst is that if he is on your level maturity-wise, and you do keep in this relationship, it's likely that if at 27 he hasn't grown past this level of maturity, he never will, and you will, but he will be dragging you down.

What I would really suggest is to see how he relates to people his own age. Is he genuinely mature around them? Is he immature? Does he even have friends his own age? Would he tell them about you? That kind of thing. I think it is important to see him in other contexts than your friendship/relationship, because I'm guessing that's the only light you've seen him in. And if he refuses to show you this, or makes excuses and more excuses?

I can only say in that case: run. Biggest red flag possible. Run and never look back.

 

I am in complete agreement with Chip, however, his response was a little shrill. That said, I feel like what he said was harsh, but said out of kindness, and a place of helping. Im going to be completely honest right now with my opinion, and tell you that a 15 year old is hardly ready for a relationship in general, let alone one that is in a relationship with someone 12 years older than them self.
A healthy relationship happens when two people share many commonalities, and maturity level. Something about this is not right with me. Its unlikely someone of your age dear is going to be completely sure of themselves, and is going to be completely mature. And its alarming to think that this man would have the maturity of a 15 year old. So therefore, I have no other option but to think he is a bad person. He, like Chip said, by definition is a pedophile, and he is manipulating and warping you. He has been "grooming" threw your brain now for 4 years, and has instilled ideals so that you believe whatever he says. Its called brainwashing.

Think about what has been said,
Think about why you keep it secret,
Think about why who you are,

 

You should look up Kate bornstein and her book "hello cruel world". I think you'll find it a bit relevant.


Either way, I hope you find happiness either with or without your boyfriend

 

just to add a little tidbit, every state has a slightly different age of consent law, in Washington (the state the OP lives in, and a former home of mine) the age of consent is 16, however, the age of the other person must be within 60 months of the minor's age, otherwise the age of consent is 18, the other exception is for teachers, coaches, tutors etc, (anyone in a position of authority over the minor) in which case its 18.

the other thing is that the parents, the state, or anyone with responsibility for the child (such as a teacher or coach) can place a statutory rape report, not just the minor, and in many states educators are required to report any suspicions or face severe penalties or prosecution.

bottom line, its a HUGE risk, not for you, but for him, so ask yourself, what would motivate him to do something so risky?

Answer: pedophilia / Ephebophilia (attraction to pubescent teens)

 

Well if the authorities find out he would be put into jail. Anyway what about your friends, do you hang with the friends from school?

 

I agree with Chip, you know i was in your shoes once. When I was 15 i met some guy in a chat room, at that time he was 42 years old. He works as a nurse at some hospital and he was very manipulative. He started out by befriending me, we talked for a few months, at that point in my life i was just putting all the peaces together about my sexuality and he was the one i talked to. We became close friends and then he slowly started to go more and more in depth he would turn his webcam on n hed be naked and lets just say that he did more then just sit there. He would get upset if i wasnt online at a certain time because he really wanted to "talk" I wish i had a group of people to warn me about this sort of thing. While I had both parents at home neither were really there for me and i guess something just wanted a father-like males attention. I am not by any means saying this is your case im just trying to shed some light on some possibilities. I have ignored him on about 10 different yahoo IM accounts and he keeps finding my new screen names, i got a message from him today and I am now 21 years old. He wanted me to come stay with him for a while when i was 15 offered to purchase a plane ticket and everything. Its a scary ordeal, my best advice for your situation is get out of that relationship ASAP. I know you think that he is a really great guy and you have been friends a LONG time he is a pediphile. You are 15 years old, he could get arrested and sent to jail for a really long time. Idn how things work where you are but in IL if you were to happen to get pregnant the day you delivered the child they state would press charges against him automatically. Wether it was consentual or not he is a pediphile. While everything seems to be great and perfect,the relationship can take a quick left turn at any moment. There are three red flags that went off in my head. 1. the fact you were friends for so long. 2. the fact the relationship is for the most part hidden. and 3. the fact you are posting here. If you are posting this here and asking our oppinions, somewhere in your mind you know something is not right. Maybe this is a subtle cry for help, maybe not but you definatly need to speak with the advisors here, or a councelor, or something of that nature. Feel free to PM me i am always here to talk. I hope you do not take what i have posted the wrong way, i did not mean to upset you for make accsations i am just taking things by multiple perspectives.

 

You can be good friends with this guy and he can still be there to support you. You don't have to be together in a relationship for that to still be there. If you are having such difficult times, the worst thing that you can add to the mix is a very very risky relationship like this. If he is genuine, then he should be able to help you without being in a relationship with you.

It may also help to think from his perspective. He is in his late twenties. Why would a guy in their mid to late twenties want to wait three years for a girl. Then, he will be 30. Waiting three years for a 27 year old does not sound the least bit logical to me. He is going to want a relationship that was meant to last right now if he is serious about any relationship.

 

I'm just saying, maybe she kinda needs his emotions toward her, I mean... come on people, she said that she was on the verge of SUICIDE... But then, on the other hand if he gets caught and goes to jail, she will feel terrible, or if they break up he may make her feel terrible... I'm not saying she should date him, but maybe he could be her crutch type person? Life for her sounds pretty shitty at the moment.

 

If that crutch breaks, then you are on the ground and it would be extremely difficult to get up.

I don't think him helping you with things is a bad thing, but anything beyond friends is not going to help you.

 

Yeah, just friends would be good.... I think.

 

And in the year 2577, when the law regarding age of consent, sexual legality and age of majority might very well be different than what it is today, American teenage siblings Timmy and Tammy, having grown up during that time period, goes onto their space stations (future upgrade of the computer and the internet? ) to do research of historical social attitudes. As they have been assigned those in regards to patterns in dating and sex, they learned about sexual laws in regards to age and the social stigmas that come with it. As they received knowledge of a thing called the "internet" and its "websites," they came across an ancient story archive in regards to an 11-year-old girl who was dating a 23-year-old male. They were both perfectly happy and enjoyed the romance that they shared together. As they continued with the story, they also learned that there were people who called the older male a "pervert" and that he deserves confinement. The girls friends also "pressured" her to "end the relationship NOW, for there is something wrong with a relationship that has that kind of age gap!!" As Timmy took a sip of his space pop, his bursting into horrendous giggle made it instantly blast out his nose. 14-year-old Tammy, the more serious one, then thought about her own 22-year-old boyfriend of whom she's dated for months at that point. She recollected their kisses, the support she had from her 3 really close friends and the perfect wedding date that her gaga-excited mom has for the two when and if they are ready. She then turned to her twin brother (who has calmed down at that point) and asked him, "Dang.........

......what was the big deal back then anyways?"



My shorter, more simplified response - Raggazza, here's what I think about love: love is good wherever you can find it. If he is not and will not be hurting you or harming you in anyway, regardless of what law and this (current) society says he might do because of his age, who says you to not date this guy? If you are his girlfriend, I think you would know right away if your boyfriend is harming or is going to harm you. I say for you, assuming that this isn't true, all lights are green. My two cents for you, if or when you ever decide to get back together again.

I'm not going to get into the sexual issue so much, because obviously, that's not what you're talking about. If you do decide to have sex with him, unfortunately, you do legally have to wait until you are at or passed the legally-defined age of consent, whatever that might be in your jurisdiction. Unless, of course, that legal age of consent changes any time soon.

From my understanding, it's illegal if she has sex with him. There isn't a law barring two individuals of pubescent and early adult age from being romantically connected with each other now, is there? (Open to being corrected, if there is, please show me your references as I'd like to read them thoroughly)