14 old son is looking at gay porn. I've got questions.

I'm not sure what exactly has been said already, but I'll be brief.

First of all, any chance of your son and I switching dads?

As to telling your wife, you should. When I came out to my mom, her reaction really hurt me. If your son comes out before you tell her and she reacts poorly, he will end up going through a lot of pain that you have the opportunity, right now, to prevent by telling her first.

 

So she can react badly before the son has time to come to terms with himself and before he is ready to deal with other peoples reactions to his sexuality both positive and negative? (Because most likely she wont react privately.)While also dealing with the betrayal from his father?

not a good plan imo.

 

From the sound of it, if/when he comes out, he would probably tell you first. You could ask him when/if it happens, if he would rather tell his mom, or if he'd like you to help him tell her.

 

I would talk to your son about it and then if he wants his mom to know then tell her. Imagine the HUGE relief he would have to know that you know. yes, scarey for both but will be great for him after he knows u know. you already know, we cant change that. his mom does not know. if thats how HE wants to keep it then thats what should be done. Your the father, the bigger, mature person. You should tell him you know. face to face is VERY difficult. Write him a note or send him a nice email but make VERY sure only he will get and/or read it... Letters seem to be the medium of choice when the kid comes out to parents, so i'm thinking why not a good choice backwards

 

I wouldnt push it further with your son or your wife. When I was 14 I was probably just starting to look at gay porn, but I never would have told ANYONE I was gay and definitely not any of my parents. I did not come out until I was 21 to my parents. I would build a strong and open relationship with your son, let him figure it out for himself and when he is ready he will tell you. It is the worst idea ever to rip him out of the closet by telling him what you saw and that you think he's gay or to tell your wife and have her go to him and ask him if he's gay. Pretty much no one is ready to come out at age 14...don't make it a negative/harsh environment by doing that.

 

Just my advice:

first off, having your internet porn trail exposed is very embarrassing for anyone, so it's good that you didn't push him to admit to anything.

The indirect positive comments about lgbt rights while he's listening would be good hints to drop, in my opinion.

Also, I remember at his age, I was watching gay porn but I didn't come to my own realization that I was gay until 15 or 16, so he might not have accepted it for himself yet. Just something I think is important to keep in consideration.

 

No, so that he can handle the bad reaction so his son won't have to. I'm not saying hold an intervention, I still think they should wait for him to come out, but if his wife isn't surprised when her son comes out then she'll handle it better.

 

As far as your son is concerned, it seems you've got a good handle on the situation. There's a fine line between not being so overt that you scare him further into the closet, but also being direct enough about your acceptance that he "gets the message." What I wouldn't give to have a father as understanding, caring, and thoughtful as you!

As for whether to involve your wife or not, I think that this is the most important part of your decision-making process right now. If and only if your preliminary "fielding" doesn't lead you to believe she'd react adversely to your son being gay, you might conclude that you can safely tell her (more on that below). But if there's any doubt, you absolutely shouldn't say anything until/unless your son is ready for her to know, as you wouldn't want to ruin his "safe space" or do anything that might ultimately cause him to think he's being treated differently by his mother.

Without further information, I see this hypothetical "reversal" as an apples-and-oranges comparison. Of course you'd want to know, since you're already accepting. If the situation were indeed reversed, it probably would be beneficial to some degree. But your wife is not you. And I'm sure it's already been made pretty clear in this thread that this is a case-by-case situation which depends entirely on her viewpoints/reactions.

I'd be willing to guess that a lot of the stronger opinions on this matter are based on the posters' personal experiences, but everyone's situation is different and, as always, your mileage may vary.

 

You are such a nice dad! I registered just to let you know that i wanted my dad to be just like you XD

And that i am in the situation of your son....but it is with my mom instead, this happened a while ago..well, a few months ago.

In order to help you with what i have...i wanted to say that i wanted to know if my parents have nothing wrong with me liking guys -too- so..i guess letting your son know you have nothing against it is VERY important and will lift a lot of tress from his back.

Good luck ^^, and sorry if my english isn't ok, it isn't my main language.

 

Wow I wish my father was still around, and I wish he was exactly like you.

You should be very proud of what you have accomplished with your son already. And though I have none further input that might help you, Id like to let you know that you are by far the most accepting parent that I have come across thus far.

You are a good father, and not one of the people on this site does not envy your son for having a father like you.

 

I more or less want to say that while I don't think you should keep a secret from your wife, I almost think it would be better for your son to come out to you first THEN to tell your wife. If your wife does have a blow back, she could put your son further into the closet than he is right now. I think you should give him time to come to terms with his sexuality, continue letting him know how fine you are, that way he'll come to you first about it, and then work with him to come out to your wife. I hope it all works out with him.

 

Thats something i really have to point out. Hearing that fro a straight famiy dad is something rare for me at least.

That drives me in the though of how ridiculous rejecting or having taboos on homosexuals and overral kinds of orientations and genders. Because actually, the great part who create these taboos or rejection don't realize everyone around them..even if they can't notice is either also bi or gay or etc. Thats something we don't see, and it is so true. I know at least 3 guys on my class (that i am most sure about) that appear "100% straight", they lie about themselves..they are who they aren't. i know pretty well they like both genders..because i'm someone they can't fool, i'm bisexual i know the tricks to "hide" in the closet. and...Its stupid what they do, its pathetic, they end by creating the "taboo" for themselves. I a not out yet but i try to don't intentionally act straight to hide myself in the sociality...When somebody asks "Are you gay?" I answer "Not i am not." But they didn't ask me if i am bisexual. XD, thats how it goes lol

Anyway, i guess i passed the message.

 

This is a common situation. I was exactly like your kid, although my dad was not tech savvy at all and he never found my gay porn stash. I was looking at gay porn (actually mostly just clothed pictures of hot guys; I thought actual gay porn was gross at that age).

Oh one more thing, just because he is looking at gay porn a lot doesn't mean he identifies as gay. Psychology is a strange thing and there are tons of ways for your mind to justify things (as a defence mechanism). I knew I was gay at 12, but by the time I was 14 had created this "straight me" as a cover up. If someone asked the "straight me" if I was gay, I would deny it.

It really is up to you to bring up the conversation - ask him about it. "son, do you like looking at pictures of hot guys? Well, that just means you are gay, and it's perfectly fine. I was exactly the same at your age, except I was into girls".

Oh, and straight guys talk non-stop about girls and don't look at gay porn. It's a myth that straight guys look at gay porn once in a while. They don't - they look at pictures of girls. Your son is definitely gay.

 

First off I'd like to say that you are a great Dad, and a wonderful person. It's clear that you have taken the time to think about the situation, and the feelings of those involved. This takes a lot of strength and understanding.

It seems like you care a lot about your son, and support what ever he is going through. The only way to tell if you son is gay or not, is by him telling you. But it is important that he does it on his terms, and he is not forced out of the closet.

Recently one of my closest friends was using my computer, and found gay porn. I was horrified, and made up some ridiculous excuse. It was an awkward situation for both of us, but even though I decided not to confide in my friend then, he told me that it would be ok if I was gay, and that he would support me.

I'm 19 years old, and still haven't come out. But because of what my friend said to me, I'm ready to come out to him next week. People can live half their lives hiding who they are, and all it leads to is depression, and bigger problems. I pretended to be straight for most of high school, and a year of college. I understand now that I'm not going to be happy if I continue to suppress who I am.

I would suggest that you talk to your son and tell him that if he were gay, you would be supportive and understanding. It was that little push that did it for me. If your son is still in high school, I'm not sure if coming out to everyone would be a great idea. high school is very inhospitable towards anyone who is different. If you let your son know that he has a shoulder to lean on, he'll come out when he's ready.

Also, you wife might not have the same understanding that you seem to have on the situation. It might be best to wait for your son to be comfortable, and then talk to your wife about it.

I hope this helps, and good luck.

 

Again you seemed to have handled the situation brilliantly. Maybe you could look at buying your son a laptop or PC and teach him how to clear his browser history or get him to use Chromes incognito browsing option, to avoid this situition from happening again because lets face it a horny curious teen is not always going to wait until the house is empty to look at porn especially if that oppitunity is few and far between.

Curious though to know if you have been checking to see if your son is continuing to look at gay porn and only gay porn?

Also I'm going to use this: "I felt bad for the boy and I was worried that he might be outed before he was ready." as more evidence that you dont want to out your son to your wife anytime soon.

Anyways thanks for the update and I hope things all work out for the best in the end.

 

I think that was a really good move. You're doing great, and him not feeling comfortable talking about it all specifically yet is COMPLETELY normal. But at least, with how open you are being about it and how you're making it okay for him to say something, he will probably feel way better about thinking about his sexuality and about telling you if he's come to any conclusions.

You seem like a fantastic father. Bravo.

 

I think just the fact you said girlfriend or boyfriend speaks volumes