I am sooo not impressed because I just wrote a long thread and then my net died and I lost it all!! Grrr. Anyway, I'll try again. A few days ago I posted a thread about a letter I had written to my step father re: my sexuality, and how I know he does not accept it, how I know I am gay etc. Yesterday he spoke to me about it. He said that it really isn't any of his business, and it's my "choice". He said that I am the one who has to "wake up and look at myself in the mirror each morning". I thought that was pretty rude. He said that he is sad and worried about it, and that he has some questions that he wants to ask me. I feel sick and worried to see him. I don't know what he wants to ask me, but it will be along the lines of trying to work out what 'turned' me gay. My mum told me that he is worried he might have turned me gay, because he was verbally (and on a couple of occasions, physically) abusive. I don't know what else he wants to ask, but he wants to speak to me when Mum is not there, and that makes me even more worried. He scares me. But I also just want to get this over with because I am tired of being worried to see him, and I want the opportunity to stand up for myself and tell him my point of view. I am also just so sad lately. I go out to places and enjoy it for a while, but then I get sad because nobody seems interested in me. Then when I am home I feel lonely, and I want to be out. I really want someone to be close to, and to experience some physical intimacy with. I never used to want this, so it is a rather new feeling. I am excited about feeling this way, but also sad because I don't have a partner. I am too scared of relationships anyway. They feel so out of reach. I will be 24 in a few months and I have still not kissed anyone or held hands. People say "it will happen", but WHEN? Like, it just seems so distant, like something that other people do, but never happens to me. I am terrified of kissing, sex etc anyway. I really want it, but I know that when it actually comes to it I will be too scared. I know this because I also really want to dance with people, or talk to new people, and I can never do this either. I'm cranky because my first version of this post was so much better! Oh well. I am sorry for the ramblings. I just want someone to listen I suppose. There's obviously not anything that can be done.
I feel what you're feeling. I want so much to move forward, but society won't let me. I'm invisible to them. Disposable. I long for the day when I can find companionship, but I know it will be too long to wait. I want to stop having to look over my shoulder whenever I'm on this site. I want to be seen as an individual, not be seen for something as minor and insignificant as sexual preference.
Is your mum supportive? If so, can you insist or just ask that she be present when you talk to your stepdad? Can you share that this is a somewhat sensitive issue for you and that you would appreciate having her there with you when you talk to your stepdad? I understand you wanting to overcome your fear and I respect that so much, however can you overcome your fear while simultaneously having your mum present (or a sibling if you have one)? Another suggestion is to perhaps anticipate what your stepdad might want to ask you, and have yourself some responses prepared in your mind. You don't have to qualify that you have "turned gay," and maybe you can just ask that he let you live your life and be respectful of you and any more than that would be great too (if indeed you want a better relationship with him in the future). As far as feeling invisible, I think maybe if you joined some groups you might be able to make friends and feel less invisible, and from there I am sure relationships will spring up. They often happen when we are not looking for them. In the meantime, enjoy being you and figuring out the type of person you might want to be with, and maybe look for groups that can put you around those people you want to be around. For example, I like to run, so being in a running group allows me to be involved with people with similar interests. Anyway, I hope you feel better, and I hope you do know that you have people here supporting you and seeing you. Alison
A couple issues going on at once. First off, if you feel uncomfortable with your stepfather grilling you without your mother there, guess what? You can announce that that ain't gonna happen. You're 23, for crying out loud. If you're still living under their roof (that's not clear from your post), yeah, they can have some sway over your life, but I don't think "I want to talk to you about your gay thing with your mother not there" is included in that. If you'd rather he write his questions/concerns down for you to respond to, I think that's totally fair. Re: relationships. Again, tough to tell from your post, but do you have (m)any friends? If so, they usually have other friends that can help expand your social circle. If you don't, and you're finding it hard to reach out and get to know others, you might think about therapy. If you've spent the last several years building up your shell to protect your soft gelatinous underbelly, it won't be easy to simply drop that. Therapy might help you find some ways to open up more, and connect more with people. Lex
best of luck on all fronts. be sure to tell ur stepdad its not a choice for u to be gay, just lile its not a choice for him to be str8. u are simply choosing to be honest about who u are. on the relationship front, be safe, dont be nervous, its all good.
Thanks guys I saw Mum and stepdad tonight, and nothing was said. It's just getting irritating, because we both know we want to talk about it. To answer your questions, I can ask Mum to be present. I don't know if he'll talk though. Mum is supportive, but would like things to just be easy, and doesn't want to make a big deal about things. Which makes me kinda feel bad, because this is a big deal to me. My Mum is great, though. And no, I'm not living with them - I have my own place Lex, I like your idea about getting him to write his questions down. I find writing so much easier than talking. I am in some groups and things, e.g. a 'coming out group' and another discussion group. I am not into sport, so that rules out a lot of the groups I know of. I am developing a growing number of friends in the gay community, however I'm finding that most people I know are a fair bit older than I am. I don't know how to meet people my age! Also, I unfortunately seem to find myself attracted to people who are in their early 30s a lot of the time, and that's a big age gap. Oh, and Lex, I've just finished a year of therapy for anxiety (including social anxiety) - I'm actually doing pretty good even going to clubs! So I am moving forward. It's just slow. I think maybe I mustn't look very approachable (or maybe I'm not cool enough!) cos people don't come over to me. I am not very aware of 'picking up' type things - I don't know how to tell if people like me. Gah, rambling again. Sorry! Thanks again for the replies.
If he's been verbally and sometimes physcially abusive in the past, then dont agree to talk to him without your mother there. But to be honest, it does sound like he's TRYING to understand. He clearly feels bad that he may have done something "damaging" (in his mind atleast) to you. So I say give him a chance, but if you're afraid you'll be abused again, then go ahead and tell him you wont see him without your mother there too.
