What is like for gay man to be married to woman? Do you have capacity to stay hard without imagination and fantasing about men? Is physical stimulation enough to orgasm? How often do you need thinking about guy during intercourse?
It depends on the person. Most of the gay guys I know that have been with women could function to some extent. Some had to fantasize about guys during sex, others could manage without doing that. A couple I knew had to always have the girl on her stomach so they could pretend it was a guy. So I think its individual to each person. If you want to test it, you could try masturbating and thinking about a girl, then in a separate session, think about a guy. The difference should be pretty obvious, and that wil give you some indication about how much thought influences arousal vs physical stimulation.
I’m still not entirely sure that I am gay but to answer your question I have found it quite challenging to perform with women. In the past I would get aroused when we kissed but when it came time to perform I would either lose that arousal when we took our clothes off, or I would lose it during actual sex. I’m ashamed to say that I have thought about men while having sex almost every time with a woman for a few years now which helps me to maintain an erection. It feels like I’m deceiving them a bit which isn’t good. I have also used viagra to help me at times. Ugh, just reading this back makes me feel so stupid.
If you are thinking about men during ex with women, and that is what you are relying on to stay erect, and you have difficulty with maintaining erections if you don't, that's a pretty strong sign there is a lot more attraction to men than women. Most likely, if you allowed it to come forward, you'd find that as you embrace your same sex attraction, it will grow even stronger.
I am not married but I have had girlfriends. There were times I could just 'get off' but I realized it was just about being stimulated, but most of the time I had to think about a guy. When she would do things like perform oral sex on me, I realized I was jealous, and that I had to work over my revulsion to give it to her. Yes eventually I could only do 'doggie style' and I was thinking about something else. I can confirm this was my experience, and I realized that I was kind of repulsed by sex with a woman. Once I acknowledged to myself I was gay, my fantasies about men became way way way more intense.
Based on the above posts, if you read them about someone else would you think they were gay? Straight? Something else? What makes you unsure you're gay? Lots of people, men and women, fantasize during sex.
This was my experience as well. Once I embraced my attraction to other men all desire and even the ability to have sex with a woman disappeared. The whole idea of sex with a woman is now repulsive and totally gross to me. Can’t believe I was able to preform for so long until that moment of sexual clarity.
I'm not married, but I've been living with my girlfriend for the last two years. I can get the job done, but I don't look forward to it. It's like something to check off the to-do list once every couple of weeks to keep her from asking too many questions. For me, I just focus on the physical sensations and try not to look at her. I had an easier time in the past when I thought I was straight, but I can barely tolerate it anymore. Thank goodness her ex-husband, the only other guy she's been with, set the bar so low in the sex department. She thinks the sex is good, although I'm sure she would like it if we did it more often.
Yes this makes perfect sense and I figure that I am probably gay. I just don’t feel it ‘deep down’ if that makes sense? I suppose I need to embrace my true desires more.
Very often, what happens is that you aren't feeling it "deep down" because part of you is resisting that (because part of you doesn't want it to be true.) So yes, embracing your desires more fully is going to be helpful, and for a lot of people, this is what unlocks their full feelings.
This must be difficult. I'm wondering if avoiding eye contact is due to some guilt. There's guilt we bring on ourselves and the guilt trips others put on us. The ones people put on us are about manipulation, but that's another subject and it's a real sore subject with me. Just curious as to how the ex-husband set the bar so low in the sex department. Was he straight? Did the quality of their sex contribute to that marriage ending? Marriages can unravel over unsatisfying sex. I've heard and read that it causes arguing, then spending more time in one's own zone, and then possibly parting ways. I don't know if I've read your other posts on threads, but if you're gay and out, how did you find yourself in this relationship? Did it start before your sexuality was clearer to you? Do you think she's hanging on because she's attracted to your persona and to you physically and doesn't want to go back to searching for a new partner? The answers as to how guys who are into guys deal with the sex and the emotional part are all over the map. You're coping the best you know how to at the present time. I'm thinking this will shift over time as things for you become clearer.
I suppose there could be some guilt involved. I do feel like I'm deceiving her at this point. However, the main reason is simply because I'm just not attracted to her. The only way I can get through it is by focusing on the physical sensations and fantasizing about something else. I think he just didn't care about her needs. It was all about him. Also, he was emotionally abusive, so it was difficult for her to feel comfortable having sex with him. I had a long history of living in denial about my sexual orientation. I went through a long period of time when, every so often, I would almost accept that I'm gay only to convince myself that it's just a phase or a curiosity or whatever. I started to accept it right after we moved in together. There were a lot of positives to the relationship, so, as delusional as it may sound now, I once again tried to convince myself that I'm straight (or maybe bi). It's only been in the last few months that I've begun to accept once and for all that I'm gay. However, I realize I have a lot of internalized homophobia I need to work through and have been addressing that with my therapist. I honestly don't think she has any clue there's anything amiss about our relationship. Or if she does, she's doing a great job of repressing it. She thinks we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. I'm not ready to or able to leave the relationship quite yet, but I also don't want to keep wasting everyone's time.
Im married (30 years) and I had a relatively normal sex life up until I couldn't hold open the flood gates anymore on my sexuality (gay). After a few very intense experiences with a guy I lost all sexual attraction to women and my wife. It happened about the same time she went through menopause and she never had a high sex drive to begin with..so its.kind of been explained away by that in terms of the marriage. But I know the real reason and I agonise about her possibly blaming herself of feeling unattractive when in reality I just want to be with another man.
Yes, likewise. I was married for 15 years but once I truly accepted that I was gay I completely lost the ability to have sex with my wife. I realised that I was 100% gay and that my inability was proof of that so it gave me real clarity and in some way validated my decision and need to live a gay life.
Hello all, as I can relate to some situations mentioned above (like getting aroused when kissing women and losing that arousal when things should get more serious) I have a question (even though its maybe a silly one): How do you really embrace your gay/bi side if you do not know/are not sure that it is there? I mean gay porn or pictures do not work for me either and I feel perfectly fine with believing I am straight. But still for me these situations are repeating themselves.. But when I just read that I was like „hmm maybe you are not straight after all..“
Based on the small amount of information you gave, there is also the possibility that you suffer from low testosterone, which is lowering your sex drive. There can also be some sort of sexual anxiety going on, which could explain why you are aroused during the lead up to sex, but then lose arousal when sex is imminent. This can also explain why gay porn doesn't work for you either. Do you get aroused when watching straight porn? Do you get aroused with fantasizing about men or women apart from watching porn? Do you get aroused when watching non-explicit romantic scenes between gay men or between a man and woman?
Losing my interest in women and then even my ability to engage in sexual activity with my then GF was actually a relief. It indeed served to validate my homosexuality. It allowed me to stop the charade of trying to act straight. By losing that ability I was finally able to focus on living an authentic gay life that I had desired for so long but buried deep.
I realized I really didn't have any interest in sex with women to begin with... so rather 'losing' interest I realized that sex was a chore and I would try to 'get off' having sex with a woman while I was thinking about men, or just trying to orgasm to get it over with. When I accepted I was gay I realized that this wasn't normal and it was never how I fantasized about men.
That’s very true. I never really had any interest in sex with women. I always worried whether I would be able to perform and it never felt natural. So as Contented says it was quite a relief when I lost the ability completely. Now with men things are so different ….!
