Making the leap doesn't mean you have to actually tell anyone and if you decide not to tell anyone, it doesn't invalidate your sexuality, nor does it exclude you from being a part of the community. For me, and I can only speak for myself, I feared being gay, a lot. It took me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality and finally accept it. Far longer than it should have. I did so because the internal conflict that this fear created over the years, which you seem to be going through now, was doing more harm than good, far more harm than just accepting who I am. Once I realised that the only person I had to tell was me, I looked in the mirror and told myself, which turned out to be the beginning of my journey. Being gay hasn't changed me on the outside, as for the most part, people don't know. On the inside, yes, for the better. I am no longer ashamed of who I am and I don't tell myself off anymore. I look in the mirror and are happy with who I see looking back. I used to avoid looking in the mirror out of shame. I am who I am. It's perfectly fine to be you. I didn't choose to be gay, the only choice I got was to either live in denial and turmoil like I had for so many years or stop lying to myself (I knew I was lying), accept it and move on. I chose the later and I am so glad I did.
I have felt that way too before! That's a really, really good way to ask yourself that. One day I started asking myself, "Theoretically, if you could be anything you wanted to be, who would you be? What kind of person?" And the sudden, remarkable realization I had was: It's NOT a theoretical question! I can be anything I want to be. So I decided to try and be a healthy, loving, gay man. A person living in the light. At least as much as it is possible for me. Still a work in progress So happy to read this today, good luck friend.
I do fear it. At least I can admit that to myself. I tried this after reading your post. The first time I tried it I couldn't look at myself and the words couldn't come out. I started shaking... If it is meaningless, what is the harm in just saying it. If say I have blue hair my gut reaction will be 'no i don't, that's silly'. I tried saying "I am straight". It felt flat. Ok, if I can say that, I can say "I am gay" - one or the other isn't going to magically change me... I said it, as the words came out, I started to tremble..., the words flowed and I said it again, they started to feel so emotional, so filled with potential. Its hard to describe... I guess I still just don't fully accept it. I wish there was a way to have an objective criteria. I can't say my hair is blue when its brown, but internal stuff is so much more muddled This has given me something to think about, thank you.
So it seems that what's becoming clear here is that there is, indeed, some pretty strong same-sex attraction. The fact that you're having such difficulty saying the words does certainly seem to imply that there's unconscious meaning there that isn't present when you say, in your example, "I'm straight." This all takes time. There's no rush. There's a wonderful new show on Netflix, called 'heartstopper', which is about an out gay teen and another teen who is seeking to find his identity. It is one of the most sensitive, thoughtful, and well-written shows I've seen at all, and certainly on the topic at hand. Even though it's aimed at teens, it might be worthwhile to watch 3 or 4 episodes of it, because whether you're 15 or 50, the experience of coming to self-awareness about same sex attraction is, for the most part, the same. And the level of sensitivity and nuance with which the series writers and actors handle it is pretty incredible. If you decide to watch it, I would be interested to know if yt has any emotional impact on you.
Ahem, or 53+! All joking aside, it is a great show and so helpful and worthwhile if you are on the fence, unsure, or just plain scared. I am late to this topic and see a lot of great advice. I also wanted to add my support in thought, at least. It is a tough time. I think meany of us have gone through similar. I know I did, coming to terms at 51. Peace be with you, and know that I care, too.
It seems to be much stronger now, and also creates feelings of happiness. Honestly, if I had intense fantasies about women that I do about men I would feel no shame about them and pursue them in real life. I would also use them as clear evidence I was straight. Thanks, the only question now, honestly, is how to admit to myself and accept that I am gay.
Right now, I am just thinking how wonderful it would be to be with a man I loved..I have never felt anything like this for a woman. I want this, I want to get past the shame. I admit it, no wine, I am not fooling anyone on this thread. I am gay.