No great a-ha moment for me. My experience was more like what you see in movies sometimes, where a scene is focusing on something in the foreground very clearly, but the background is fuzzy and supposedly unimportant. But then the focus starts to shift, and the foreground becomes less sharp, but the background becomes clearer and eventually has equal weight in the frame. My foreground was the desire for family and stability and security, and in the blurred background were all the crushes on other boys, the interests that set me apart from other boys, and the behaviors that were always "different". They were always there, and I was actually aware enough that I looked up books at the library that covered homosexuality, fantasized exclusively about guys, sneakily read gay fiction at bookstores, and never really denied that my interest in girls was more along the lines of who would be a good mom to my kids, than who was the prettiest or sexiest. But as I began to realize just how messed up my marriage was, I also started to allow that background to come more into focus, and it felt as natural as writing with my left hand after trying for 50 years to train myself to use my right. If anything, coming out seemed far easier than trying to pretend.
Wow, I can relate very strongly to this! I still snoop around in bookshops and libraries for stuff I can read about being gay.
I recently found some digitized versions of gay magazines I would buy and secretly enjoy while I was in denial many years ago. Made me also think about the trips to the adult bookstore, heart pumping as I nervously strolled the store looking at the gay section - before working up the nerve to buy a couple and quickly get on my way home to enjoy them
I was 23 and did the same thing, adult bookstore, gay section, I will never forget the look on the face of the woman who served me as i purchased some gay magazines. My internalised homophobia was very strong and I felt ashamed as I paid my money. When I got home my hands were shaking as I opened up the magazines. I still love finding copies.of these old zines online. I think there are many of us later in life who can relate to this from pre internet days..I remember trawling for books at the uni library on homosexuality and even sneaking out The Gay Mystique from the library so there would be no record of me borrowing it, then sneak it back in once id finished with it..looking back I was so deep in denial that even then I couldn't recognise I was gay..
I remember the adult bookstore. I’d go in and walk past the gay section, glancing and walking past. That was the first few times. Then getting the nerve to stop and look… then actually picking up one and walking to the front to pay… heart pounding. I would always look to see the cashier and whether or not I’d feel comfortable or not. I felt safer if it was a woman for some reason. And then my heart would continue pounding all the way home…hands trembling…ripping the plastic off….erection throbbing ….
that’s the same thing I used to do when I was 18/19, sneak off into the corner of the library and read books on homosexuality.
My internalised homophobia was so strong I would burn the magazine after mastubating. Then denial and after awhile the cycle of desire would start again.
Yup. Same here. I didn’t burn them, but I remember dropping them in a trash can on the street. I was so paranoid and full of internalized homophobia that I’d drop it in sneakily hoping no one was looking.. and god forbid someone pulled it out and saw what it was..lol. As if anyone would be doing that
Its always astounds me how similar our experiences are here..the shame we felt at the time contradicted by the unrelenting force of desire and curiosity which drove us on.
Yes, and it still does for me. As I've got older its grown easier to acknolwedge and accept that desire and fight back the fear..
And that’s totally understandable. It’s been tough all these years trying to hide and deny. So the first gut reaction has always been denial. Then there would be the overwhelming feelings and desires…and the succumbing and fantasizing and masturbating and exploding…and then the feelings of shame and denial..and the cycle continues… I am glad I have gotten past the shame and denial phase
This is so true. I always thought I was alone in how strong my desire to be with another man was once I finally allowed myself to acknowledge my homosexuality. It’s seems we all cycle through burning desire followed by incredibly shame. No matter we cannot hide our true nature. As we get older it becomes nearly impossible to deny we are gay and continue to hide it.
I never felt much guilt or shame after enjoying my little secret gay pleasure. I felt more like - ok - that was fun and hot, but now its time to get back to being a straight guy. Another funny memory from the bookstore or sometimes convenience store is that I would also buy a straight porn magazine along with the gay magazine - thinking that it must somehow cancel out in the clerk’s eyes - LOL.