(Sorry, didn’t know how to do multiple quotes in a single post - still learning....) “That went on for a long time until I started to just own every part of my life.” Thanks, it helps me to read about your process. It sounds to me you’ve had a supportive group of people who’ve been there for you during your journey. I also imagine it must’ve been challenging as well to have friends who hold you accountable. I would like to make a friend or two like that myself.... I’m quite shy and at the moment only one person knows about this. They’re not gay, they are supportive though. I feel so lucky to have them... “It's important to see things as they are. Or as they happen. I would suggest, try not to form any opinion at all and just be very literal about anything that happened, like an event.” This sounds like such a different perspective from mine. I tend to put opinions in and it’s probably not helping my confusion. After reading your reply I actually sat down and tried to write a little list of things *in a literal way*, focusing on sexuality and my feelings/experiences. It felt quite good and had this experience of clarity for a moment. Thanks this was helpful.... I plan to continue doing this I think it’ll help when I get confused..... I’m sorry to read about your experiences with religion/people. In my case, religion played a role when I was a child. You have been really brave to do all that reflective work and own different parts of your journey. I’ve many memories from that time and environment. At the moment, I don’t feel I’m in the place to address these. I’m finding it quite painful. I gained a lot from reading your stuff, thanks so much
Hi Carruthers, thank you. Feeling less alone now than when first posted. I’m glad I did. I agree with you, I’ve found it helpful to read what others have shared and a place to make things a little lighter...
Hi @sunbird - To your question, 'Why now?', could it be that other things in your life are more settled now so that there's an opportunity for you to focus more on your own needs?
Like some others here, my sexual desires have awoken in recent months. I'm sure that spending all this time at home in front of my computer has something to do with this. Over time, my otherwise happy marriage has become sexless. Now, I've been jolted by intense sexual energy. My desires have run both toward men and women, as they tend to do. I'm not suddenly discovering my gay side, as it's been a major part of my life. What distinguishes my newfound passion is that it is driven by my desire to act on my submissiveness and my fetish. Not that I'm just discovering them---they've played a prominent role in my fantasy life. But I've never wanted to act them out. I didn't want to become "that depraved person" in reality. But since Covid I've chatted at social media sights and have had a lot of powerful interactions. Suddenly, I want to act on these forbidden desires. I don't know that I will do so in the non-virtual world (now that such a thing once again exists). But I sure would like to.
That's good! Having someone in person to talk to is very important. Maybe this is obvious but at least I remember, every time I talked to someone about it I felt like I learned something new. It's not always easy to look back on yourself but I find that it helps.
Interesting food for thought. I feel in general during these past years I’ve become (or I like to think) a bit more relaxed as a person and at the same time sexual needs have become more important to me (and confusing). I’m seeking deeper intimacy, I want to learn to listen to my body more and find peace with it (I don’t know if anyone on this forum experiences continuous peace with this? maybe I’m seeking too much who knows). Even a little bit of peace would do for now...
Hi @Embarassed, my fantasies about women are pretty abc, and I get quite emotional. Sometimes I cry, like someone arriving to a place they once loved and left.... When I ask “why”, I guess I’m just so surprised I am having these feelings after many years of nothingness. Even a small little fantasy feels like a big deal for someone like me, or “loud”, like someone said here before It may be that the current circumstances have played their part in bringing things into a new light
I Interesting ... I starting having sexual feelings for women in my thirties as well and I’m in a sexless marriage. Wondering if lack of sex can cause this?
It would seem, from your honest and insightful posts, that you have within you the strength to make space for your distress, fear, and perhaps guilt. Those emotions are renting space inside you right now. They're there. They'll likely diminish over time. Either way, these emotions have no inherent power to wreck you any more than do your resurfacing sexual desires. Your posts suggests that you are becoming ready to accept yourself, and your difficult feelings about your life choices are much a part of you as are the choices themselves.
I think that the reverse is more likely. Having forced oneself to live a heteronormative life and suppressing ones true self results in a lack of wanting sex within the heteronormative relationship. Finally realizing what you really want then causes things to "wake up".
While I have not much to add after reading all the gracious and honest replies to your post except to say that you are not alone. Most of us are here because we felt something and it’s different. I guess what am trying to say is no one chooses to feel the way they do, but they may try to find a way to either cope, define, act on or just take comfort in the fact they just shared something personal that’s been on their mind weighing them down for some time. I hope this helps.
After reflection, I think that my marriage’s sexlessness is not the product of heteronormativity so much as vanillanormativity. I agree, @QuietPeace, that my suppression of my desire prompted my sexlessness.
Hi LaurenG, I don’t know if this helps you... I feel for me what I feel is similar to when I was young, it was like my body turned on, like a light switch when I thought about, interacted with or dreamed about women. But when I had that feeling, I always felt ashamed of myself, too. I didn’t pay attention to it, I moved on swiftly rather than sitting down and really listen to my body. For me, what I feel is my truth. I may not fully accept it and at the same time it feels like “me”. Thank you @Embarassed it felt really really good to read your post and I cried when I was reading it. Thank you for reminding me that these intense feelings will pass and that they won’t wreck me. ❤️ I feel that what @QuietPeace writes above is true to me. I only have experience about heteronormative relationships so far which all have ended, even if work was put into them. I have always thought the fault was in me. I thought if I tried hard enough that intimacy, attraction and desire would come. It didn’t occur to me that if I listened to my body, noticed my attractions, desires and dreams about the future and went back to my childhood experiences I already had the answer: it wasn’t my fault, I hadn’t given myself space to listen and accept my feelings and my true self. I like how you wrote about this community, about finding ways to cope, define, act or find comfort. I feel this space has already given me these things within a few short days of connecting. It feels really good! Thank you everyone.... ❤️
Hi @sunbird and @LaurenG, I’m glad that EC had helped you to see that you are not alone. I was also in a long term heterosexual relationship (not a sexless one though) when I started to question my sexuality. It was an unhappy relationship, where something was definitely missing, as as a form of escape I started to daydream about being a (happier) relationship with a woman instead. Initially there wasn’t a sexual element to it, but over time there was and at first I was very uncomfortable about it. As I become more comfortable with it, those feelings became more intense. That said, for me, it wasn’t just about sex. It was everything. I wanted a relationship with a better, deeper connection. I wanted to do all the mundane things with another woman too, like shopping for groceries. Everything about my relationship with my ex felt surface level; it was an act, a pretence. I was just going through the motions of life because that’s what I thought I had to do. Is that something that you can relate to? Do you feel genuinely happy and fulfilled in your current relationships?
I'm going to jump in here and say that I was naive to the fact that I thought I could suppress my thoughts with marrying a man. If anything it has intensified my desire to be with another woman. Our marriage is a sexless one and the relationship as a whole is very empty/unsatisfying. Little background, I grew up in a very conservative home where homosexuality was frowned upon. It was expected that you would marry and have multiple children (I do have 2) and live a quiet hetero-normative life where you would be "available" for your husband at any time. For myself, sex is/was something I always dread. As I have gotten older (I'm only 33), I'm realizing that living this lie is becoming unbearable. It's getting harder and harder to ignore/suppress what I have always known. What prompted it is that I had met a gal in the work place (about 2.5 years ago) and I felt as though we had an instant connection. It hit me like a ton of bricks and from then on it hasn't been able to be suppressed. It was the first time I'd ever experience an attraction that felt so real and right. (we are currently friends and I would not ever cheat on my current spouse... I'd end the relationship before pursuing another person)..
[QUOTE="LostInDaydreams, post: 6732075, member: That said, for me, it wasn’t just about sex. It was everything. I wanted a relationship with a better, deeper connection. I wanted to do all the mundane things with another woman too, like shopping for groceries. Everything about my relationship with my ex felt surface level; it was an act, a pretence. I was just going through the motions of life because that’s what I thought I had to do. /QUOTE] This so accurately reflect how I felt. Once I was with another man everything seemed so normal so right. It’s wasn’t only the sex but the whole experience living as a gay man that invigorated every aspect of my life. I was alive, enjoying myself and totally at ease with being with another man emotionally and sexually.