Reading all of this gave me goosebumps. It all just resonates so much. This is such an incredibly tough journey. A constant push and pull. I read something in an article about going through divorce.. something like "if you keep going down the path, getting pulled in a certain direction, then it's probably what you really want". This is exactly what it is like. Why would I keep pulling myself this way if I didn't actually want it? Something all along has been making me continue riding this journey. And I keep finding myself wanting it all to be true. Thanks for the response, @NeonSocks. It makes me feel better knowing we are all in this together. EC is amazing.
Thanks for sharing, @RJay! That is so amazing you got such incredible validation on Friday night. I truly think at this point this is what I need. I'm pretty sure it would be amazing, but I think until I get lost in a kiss or physical experience, I'm going to keep in wondering. I wish it didn't have to be so dramatic as a break, but the point of the break is so I can explore this. I hope that then I will really, truly know.
Hey Searching - I wanted to drop-in and tell you something that has been pinging around my own brain. What's happening with your husband isn't your fault. Not even one bit. I feel such guilt for making my husband feel bad that I feel myself folding into him again and it's so comfortable and unhealthy. Keep staying true to yourself. Don't let the negative self talk bring you down. Also - I'm away on training until Friday and being by myself, I just feel so freakin gay. And I love it. I wish I felt this good all the time. Also one of my instructors reads so queer. Cute glasses and hair and a blazer and she complimented my shoes during lunch because they're sexy AF and I wanted to die in the best possible way
Thank you SO much for sharing, @leb10. That sounds so refreshing to have a break for yourself on your own. I really think that would help me at this point so much. It is incredibly conflicting being at home as a family, in "normal" life, seeing bits and pieces of normalcy constantly. I am going to the Bay Area during a break I have in a week to go visit friends. I am so excited for a mini escape on my own! Thanks for the advice. I am trying so hard to keep true to myself despite the confusion and opinions (oh so many..) of others.
I'm glad you're getting away for a bit! I hope it refreshes you. Friends are so helpful even though disclosure can be difficult. Are you planning on telling your friends about all of these things going on in your life?
A few years ago I remember actually telling my husband that I just don’t get why sex is so important to him. Because at the time I had no interest in it at all. Since this awakening I completely understand how important it is in a relationship.
This is so me! I've always been like, "what's the big deal?" And have been annoyed when he just wants it SO bad. Now having experienced the intensity of crushes and thinking of women.. I'm like oh wow I need this I get it. Last night I tried so hard to be receptive while having sex with my husband. I tried desperately to not keep a wall up, to try and get into it. He was insanely turned on to start so I tried to reciprocate. I just couldn't! I got so discouraged. Like, wow I just cannot get into it even if I want to! Absolutely nothing down there for me. Even if I'm in a more unsure place this week, trying to have sex with my husband reminds me of everything. Like, "oh yes that's right, this is because I am probably gay". Having to think of women to get off has been the norm for a while now.
Haha!! Go ahead I know right... it's like, uh what other evidence do I need?? I admit reading that comment made me smile stupidly and get butterflies.... funny. It's like it really is what I want.
Nah. It's definitely not that. If anything, it could just be him or something could be turned off with him currently for me. But I'm thinking it's not just that.
I agree, friends will be so nice to see during this crazy time. The two I am defiantly seeing already know. I've chatted on the phone once with one and the other I've been texting a lot since it came up. It will be so so nice to get support and spend time with them in person. I also plan to see many from my old playgroup. I don't *plan* on telling them (who knows). I thought some were my good friends but I realized as soon as I left it really was more surface-level. It will regardless be nice to see familiar friends from before this all started.
Me too. I couldn't care less about sex. I didn't figure out why I couldn't care less until I realized I was gay.
Can you imagine how this my feel with someone you are truly head over heels with? With my lack of experience but lots of imagination, just guessing. It may feel a even better.
To be honest, even though I have kissed several women and have the experience of being with another woman, I could not shake the thought that maybe I just needed to be with another man. Like, maybe I was with my husband for so long, I wasn't into it bc of the problems in our relationship. So, that's why I tried with the soccer coach several weeks ago. And no. Nope. It was....ok. It ended up just ...stopping. And then I cried bc I am such a mess. But the mind is tricky. I have never thought I was straight - maybe bi, but never straight. I fantasize about women every single day. The things I want to do with women literally make me weak. And so, why the HELL, I felt the need to just see one more time, I do not know. But it happens.
I’ve tried to imagine kissing a good looking famous guy and it does nothing for me. Imagine kissing Emily Blunt on the other hand gives me all sorts of feelings!
I find this so fascinating. Because I never even considered thinking of women sexually before this year. (And yeah, now it seems to be *all* I think about.) I didn't even consider being anything BUT straight. And yet, knowing that from a young age, you still wound up in such a similar position as me now.
Correct, but even if I knew it, I didn't accept it. I knew kissing women gave me fireworks but I didn't accept that as my orientation. I wanted to make it work with a man. I have always been drawn towards women, and always knew I wasn't straight (ever since high school or even before) but I never actually let myself fully fantasize about a woman to get off until after my trigger crush. It was like a fear of looking to closely at that. So I did a lot of disassociation during sex with men. During sex with my husband. And often I thought that was just because of his anal preference, but in the back of my mind I knew it was more. During sex with men I have enjoyed it, but it's more like a physical release than a passionate experience.
This sounds so much like me! I know what you wrote in my wall before was pretty spot on. It's like I can't kick the idea of being someone bisexual at least.. it's like I can't accept the possibility of not being into men at all. Maybe that makes me on the 7-9 end of the spectrum but all I know is yeah.. the feelings I get is thinking of women sexually literally make me weak in the knees and helpless. It's like my heart skips a beat. I have never felt that for a man. Don't know why it's so hard for me to fully just embrace it. Maybe I'm just not a "black and white" person and using ultimate labels really just may freak me out. Almost like I can't take it back once I do.