Ok, so here goes. I am trying so hard. But do you ever get the feeling that you are forgetting something and you left the house on vacation and its on FIRE? My daughter came to me almost 2 years ago at 11 and told me she was Bi. A few months forward and she confided she's a lesbian. My thinking: OMG this is my delicious baby and now she is going to be the target of people that hate her. OMFG! A person's sexuality means not so much to me unless it concerns me. I could go on and on but sexuality is on a spectrum, blah, blah, blah, and I am slightly over the hetero line. Maybe more than slightly... As long as my babies are healthy, happy, and safe, I am cool. BUT we live in a very small town. I grew up in a town bigger than this during the 70's and 80's and the worst insult boys would hurl at me was "You are such a faggot!" Even at the time, I remember rolling my eyes and saying do you even know what that word means? I am a female. I come from a big conservative family that always accepted my gay brother (tacitly). So I basically asked her the same questions I would ask any of my children at 13. Who is she? What is she like? And most importantly, does she like girls? Yes, she likes girls. My daughter laughed at that question. "Gee, that's important, huh Mum? " Now the mother has sent me a "friend" request on Facebook. I accepted it. I can't think of any etiquette for this situation. My plan is to lie low and observe. How in the hell is there a "right" way to handle a lesbian relationship in an extremely small town without sending my daughter into therapy for the rest of her life?
Get allies before outing. A lot of allies. Best would be powerful people such as the local head of rumors. Your daughter should do the same and build a big clique, preferably including a brave young dude to defend her if things get physical.
Remember that wherever anyone goes there will always be people who won't be very nice, even if you're straight and cis you'll come across hate. Treat a lesbian relationship like a hetero relationship, the only thing that's different is the sex.
Have you done a internet search to see if there is a pflag near you? Also check for anti-bullying groups. A lot of the more recognized ones have included LGBT issues even in small communities. Be there for her is the best advice. Let her know if she has any issues with anyone she needs to come to you asap. You'd be surprised at how accepting children are nowadays even in small towns. At least that is how it is here in my small USA. And we are small - we just got our first dollar store. Our kids are bused to the county school about an 45mins away.
What struck me is that you said the right thing at the critical moment. You behaved like the good parent that all kids want. "Is she nice?" "Does she like girls?" This is what your daughter will remember: that you were the Mom she needed. So... one good thing that will reverberate for a long time. Good work! About social stigma, well what the above posters said. Like bunnydee said, the kids are always ahead of their elders on these topics. You may be pleasantly surprised. Hope so!
Aww that's so cute that she asked you. That means that probably means that she really trusts you. Worrying is good, but overthinking everything isn't.
Yeah, I agree with the above posters. You definitely did the tight thing and you sound like a great mom! I live in the kind of small town where everybody knows everybody. At my high school, we have what can only be described as a flourishing LGBTQ community. Myself and most of my friends have been out and open about who we are for years and we've all gotten way more promises of help if people try to give us shit about it than people actually giving us shit about it. I can't guarantee that it will be like that where you live, but if something does happen your daughter has the support of her family, and that can go a long way.
This may be difficult in a small town, but your daughter likely won't live in a small town forever. You need to help prepare her for a bigger world, without asking her to change. Therapy is okay as long as the goal is not change, a better goal would be support for her in this small town environment. She will find acceptance once she gets out in the world more, good luck!
I think you're doing the right things. You and this other mom are building a network. If there are older siblings a talk with them may be a good idea, ask them to keep their eyes and ears open. Give your daughter the same limits that you would if she were dating a boy.
Thank you so much for saying that. I now have to ask, WTH to do with a 13 year old that comes home with a hickey! My husband and I are extremely conservative parents, yadda, yadda, yadda, We are economically conservative but socialy libertarian. I did the same thing that I hope I would have done with any child at 13(!) years of age that came home with a hickey. I was quietly outraged. And she knew it. I waited until after her shower to casually ask "What is that mark on your neck?" God help her. She tried to deflect to her other shoulder (lol). She said What are you implying?" Oh GERL! I AM NOT implying anything. I know a hickey when I see it. I said "That's a hickey. Hickey's are tacky. Don't ever let me see a hickey on you again." And then I left the room like Voldemort.
Yeah, but she's 13. 5 years seem like ages when you've made a home in hell. And it will stick with you, when you leave. Her daughter shouldn't change, you're right about that. But probably be careful who to tell and other things.
What, not even grounded? I thought you were raised conservative. I was too and if I had a hickey on my neck at 13 I would have had my ass handed to me. :icon_bigg Not that I'm advocating for such extreme punishment. Just remember that being LGBT doesn't give kids a free pass to misbehave. While she may not appreciate it now treating her equally in disciplinary matters is also a show of acceptance and love. I have to say I liked your description of her looking at the other shoulder like "What?" and then following that up with the implying statement. I wouldn't have been able not to laugh right then. After which I would have confiscated her phone and other electronics and threatened to talk to the other girl's parents about any future hickeys.
Wow, you are a saint. Even I would have been a bit "icked out" if I had a 13 year old doing semi sexual things with people. Keep up the good parenting. lol
Firepit5, I'm a republican as well. You've got to set some boundaries. To set boundaries isn't an act of anti-gay sentiment. I assume that if she were straight, there would be the expectation of boundaries. Next thing you know, these two may start having sex! Set the boundaries and let her know that she will face punishment if she breaks them. You've done pretty good so far. You avoided what's possibly the worst question of,"Are you sure?", and it's equivalents. You're also networking with the mom. Perhaps, you could try asking the mom how she handled her daughter's coming out and if she knows of any other allies in your town? Also, see if there are any LGBT support centers or groups around where you live. Good luck.
Thank all of yo so much for your support. I keep telling my straight friends that you non-straight friends are the most accepting, Gee. I wonder why that is? ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2017 at 12:57 AM ---------- I may have forgotten to add that I am also a lawyer and a former prosector.
Wow! Kudos to you. I've got nothing else to say, but yes, be with her. What most teenagers, that embark on a journey of self-discovery, need is someone to confide to. And that's what most parents are usually there for, to tend to the cubs. It's not easy to be different, and often times, society is cruel to the different, and when she encounters different struggles in life, be there as her confidant and her listener. Though, I know you know this, but it's just amazing to state the obvious because it's so heartwarming to know that there are mothers like you. In terms of the hickeys, I'd definitely fume at her. Guuuurl, no. Set some rules, set some restrictions and limitations, and no means no. Teenagers are curious, and if they keep on feeding their curiosity, it would become a nasty habit. It's best that you avoid that, because when they enter the stage wherein they're obstinate, moody, and rebellious, things will get difficult. As I have previously said, be there as her listener. In eventuality, she'll start to question various things -- how she feels inside, how her body is constantly changing by the day, if she feels utmost trust and comfort from you, you'll definitely be the first person she'll come running to. Language is a significant tool to express one another, talk and listen. To add, you're a lawyer, I'm sure when why's and how come's are being asked by your daughter, you can reason them out very well. LOL! I'm wishing you all the best!!
My DD has been out for months (or years now effectively) and last night I was talking to my mother, who is turning 90 this year. I have a gay brother and knew/hoped her response would be as I hoped. It was. My nearly 90 year old mother said "You tell that girl that we LOVE her!" and that her sexuality is a non-issue. She just felt bad that my DD was even afraid to tell me. Wow.