14 old son is looking at gay porn. I've got questions.

Honestly, I would say don't tell her. It's not like you even really know anything until your son tells you. And because he hasn't done that, he is likely not ready to do that. I get wanting to give her fair warning to get her shit together before her son comes out, but what if he doesn't? Or what if he gets upset because he wanted to tell you this big thing himself? you and his mother.

I'd have been angry if my mom had told my dad I was gay before I got to do it myself.

And if it's a matter of "duty" or getting it off your chest, but your heart says don't do it, your heart should win this one hands down.

Just my opinion though, I'm not a parent or a spouse, but I hope it helps a little.

Way to be a great dad, btw. Seriously, you rock for even just considering all this stuff to do with your son's sexuality, much less finding EC and asking about it.

Your family is lucky to have you :eusa_clap

 

The times I have gone against my gut I have regretted it...9 times out of 10, your gut is always right.
I can appreciate the internal struggle that you are facing with this, however, i would not tell her at this point...this could be just exploration on his point, or it could be something else...the fact is no one knows at this point.

I think you are taking the appropriate role though, in saying that you have nothing against homosexuality...because a big part of the struggle young people face is the fear of rejection and disapproval from their parents (well, who am I kidding, it's a struggle even us older people still think about--hence the reason why my own parents still don't know).
I also think you are doing the right thing in not directly confronting him...yet. He's going through some confusing and difficult emotions right now, I would think it would be best not to overly press the issue.
Good luck.

 

I think I might be in your son's shoes a bit in terms of one parent knowing/suspecting and the other parent not knowing, except that I'm a girl. When I think back to talking with my dad about future relationships, I remember him including both 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' when talking to me. This sort of makes me think that he had suspected that I'm gay/questioning even before I did. My mom however, makes kind of homophobic remarks while watching t.v. and talking about other people and stuff. This makes me think that he didn't share his suspicions with her, if he had any, or she might act differently.

From (kind of) your son's point of view, I think it really depends on how accepting your wife is. If she is just as or close to as accepting as you are, it might be a good thing, so she can watch the jokes that might hurt him, and so it wouldn't come as a shock if he ends up telling her, and so he can have just one more person supporting him. If she is even a little the opposite of that, then I wouldn't tell her. As a teenager, I feel like my parents rightfully have control over a lot of things in my world, but if my dad told my mom something like that, it would be one of the things I assumed that I had intrinsic control over. I think I would be very panicked and upset because it wasn't on my terms, or if I wasn't prepared for potential strong reactions. That's just my opinion though, and I hope it made a little sense.

 

It is late here, and I am too tired to read through this whole thread, so if what I am about to write has already been said, just ignore it.

I have gathered from your posts that it is important to you that your son practices safe and responsible sex. If you haven't already, be sure and talk to your son about sex in general and about safe sex practices. Also, let him know that you care about him and that if he has any questions you would really hope that he would talk to you about it. Of course, going this route you will need to be prepared to actually discuss different things and answer questions he might have - so be sure and brush up on safe sex practices for gay and straight men. (There is a nice scene in GLEE where Kurt's dad talks to him about sex...it is awkward but nice. Might be worth watching on YouTube.)

You sound like a great parent. I am lucky to have two great parents myself, but if there is one mistake they made, they never talked to me about sex. Luckily I am not at all promiscuous and I took it upon myself to learn about sex. However, if I had been a different person, who knows what kind of trouble I might have got myself into.

So, now you have my two cents as well as my appreciation being such a caring parent.

Edited to Add:
As far as your wife, I don't know what to tell you. If you decide not to tell her though, perhaps you could start trying to help her shape a positive image of homosexuals. Mention how you heard about that lovely gay Arizona couple that adopted all those kids or how you think it is great that kids these days have some positive gay role models to look up to. Then you can try and gauge where she is while trying to help her develop a better outlook on gays.

 

Dude, without a doubt you gotta be the coolest dad out there. And he's lucky to have you. I'd say, even though it might be hard for your son, to confront him about it. He's probably just scared you'll take it the wrong way. While he might get defensive when you bring it up, it's more "acting" to be straight. Something many bis and gays learn to do with time, my sister used to think I was homophobic. A way to throw people off the trail. It's really important he knows you accept him. It'll alleviate his stress.

In regards to your wife, some girls say they're "fine" with gay guys. But, not a lot are. I'm a bi guy trying to navigate the middle grounds. I'd say for now, keep this is a thing between you and your son.

My Mom once caught me looking at gay porn. I'm bi, I look at both. But, she got angry. This was when I was 16/17. I talked her back into thinking I was still 100% straight. Years later, I was nervous because I remember how she reacted. When I came out? She was kinda cool with it. So, it could be that she over reacted to the porn part rather than the gay part. My Mom hates porn with a passion, guy or girl. I don't think many women like it since it makes people into 'objects' and they've been objectified all their life.

In regards to the orientation of your son. I wouldn't jump the gun and I'd have a more concrete talk about it. It could be that he's totally gay. It could be that he's curious. It could be that he's more gay than straight, but still somewhat likes girls. It's not a black and white "are you or aren't you?" issue. I wish I would have been told that while growing up. I grew up thinking I was a "weird straight guy," others grow up thinking they're "weird gay guys." Look in-depth into the various forms of bisexuality, it's possible to like guys and not be totally gay - just lean one way or another or equal or constantly changes.

I'd say tell him. You totally rock as a Dad and in the end he'll feel relieved and happy that he can go to you. I know it would have taken a lot of pressure off while I was growing up to have my parents along for the ride. While parents are the hardest to tell, due to horror stories of how some take it, guessing most would want them to know. In the end, he'll be happy that you came to him.

 

I think kids would rather believe their parents are completely asexual creatures. Not just in practice but in thought, as well. My parents weren't blind to the fact that I (like all teenage males) loved jerking off, but they wisely never brought it up. If something related to it was problematic - let's say sheets needed washing more than normal? - they'd make a VERY oblique comment to that effect. I'd quickly nod, they'd quickly change the subject, and we'd never mention it again. It worked fine for us.

Lex

 

Lex, that would work for a straight dude. Today, especially in the internet age of growing up - anything that hints to our orientation and our parents possibly finding it, we clear the history immediately due to how they might react. I started doing this immediately after my computer was taken in to get repaired and I was told that they'll be able to see sites that I've been on and to tell them beforehand if anything was on there. They didn't find anything. But, immediately following that? Constantly deleted history. I couldn't risk it. It's, don't know how it was years ago, the same as hiding gay magazines and pretending they're not yours. While straight people, it would be completely sexual (I hated when my parents brought up talking about girls like that since they were my parents, I had friends to talk to about girls sexually). The gay part, is hiding in the closet especially with how this sounds.

 

from the sound of things with your wife i'd recommend that you don't tell her and wait for your son to do it. If you think her reaction could be negative or she might do something that will be anything other than supportive then you need to wait for him to be ready to come out otherwise her reaction could help keep him in the closet. Give him time and let him take care of that part on his own.

As for everything else you seem like an amazing dad and any kid would be lucky to have you as their father. I think you should continue how you are dealing with it otherwise. Eventually he will feel comfortable telling you or talking about it and the more you help him open the closet door the easier it will be in the long run. If while you find that at any point he seems defensive or is wanting to push away from the subject or seems to be in denial about it just don't press the issue and give him time. However if he is receptive to you talking with him about this stuff do so as much as you can in my opinion.

 

I'm not really sure. I knew they had found it so I'd probably have still freaked out for quite a while. For my own mental safety, my parents are asexual beings. I was delivered by a stork. Them finding out something sexual about me was incredibly embarrassing even if we never talked about it.

All the negativity that surrounded it that I noticed was purely about it being porn. Even back then, they were both completely fine with the gay part. They had actually talked to each other about it prior to then. However, I couldn't separate the two. They never made it clear to me that they were upset that I was too young to be looking at porn and were fine if I liked guys. At that age, my friends and other guys my age would use gay and faggot as bad things and porn and jerking off were cool things, so I took all the negativity that I perceived and associated it with the gay part.

I was actually terrified to come out to my parents. They knew something was up beforehand. I was living away at college, and they surprised me a few days before my birthday and told me they were going to visit, something they hadn't done the three years before. I tried to tell them when they came up but couldn't. They had brought my youngest brother with them (I'm the oldest of four) and that discouraged me since I couldn't really be alone with them. If he hadn't been there, I don't know if it would have changed anything since I could have found some way to get him away for a little. He was a convenient excuse.

A couple weeks after they came up, I wrote them a letter. I couldn't even send it myself. I had one of my roommates drop it off at the post office without telling him what it was. They called three days later when they got it. They told me how they already knew and were completely fine with it. That I shouldn't have been scared to talk to them about it, that they loved me no matter what, and when I do meet someone I like that I shouldn't ever feel the need to hide him from them. Then my mom spent five minutes scolding me for waiting so long. :lol: (That wasn't a bad thing. That's just her personality. I still laugh about it.)

If I had been able to separate the reaction to porn and being gay, perhaps. I alluded to it in my original post, but there were many other factors that contributed to path I took that I didn't talk about. Betrayal of my best friend, religion, going to an all guys catholic high school, society's attitudes towards gays, lack of information, lack of any role models, growing distant from my childhood friends, they all had an impact on me and many were a product of the time.

If they had never found the porn, I don't know if it would have changed anything. I may have been ready to come out earlier or at least approached them sooner but I have my doubts about that.

If we had had a serious conversation about being gay, separate from the one about porn, I may have been ready at a much earlier age. It's hard to tell. If I had known I could talk to my parents about what I was feeling, that definitely would have been a huge help then and would have drastically changed the path I took for the better. I just don't know if it was actually possible at that age for me to be that close to my parents. It definitely would have been beneficial to have even one person who I could talk to I'm just not certain I would have been able to make that connection with a parent at that age.

That is a very complicated issue as I'm sure you're quite aware. I'm not sure I have any advice to point one way or another but I'll lay out the thoughts that come to my mind and perhaps they'll give you some more ways to approach the situation.

If you try probing your wife for her attitudes toward your son possibly being gay, you might cause the very thing you're trying to avoid. If you plant the idea, even hypothetically, that it is possible your son could be gay, providing no evidence or any credible reason why you might think that, she might latch on to it. She might start looking for signs or reacting to potential signs both consciously and subconsciously.

Perhaps a better course would be to talk to your wife about her mother. Then you can better gauge her attitudes, maybe help her work through some issues through that avenue, and better prepare her for your son.

 

Congrats for reaching out to us for help regarding your son.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd keep this to myself for the time being. As long as he isn't in any danger or having any kind of physical/mental problem related to it, I don't see a need in sharing it with her. I say this based on how my wife reacts to things. Even if my wife says she will keep a secret, she starts digging for information.

As an example, my oldest daughter just broke up with her boyfriend but he wants her back. My wife is constantly after my daughter for information. She is always looking at her facebook page for hints as to what is going on. It's just a relationship that isn't working out. There's no danger or risks taking place. It's just a break up. I'm staying out of that drama. My wife just can't seem to let it be. If your wife is like that, then definitely keep it quiet.

 

>>>Lex, that would work for a straight dude. Today, especially in the internet age of growing up - anything that hints to our orientation and our parents possibly finding it, we clear the history immediately due to how they might react.

I think you missed the point. My point was that sometimes, it's best not to approach topics head on. Some topics are too touchy at certain times, and rather than try to force a dialogue, it's best to approach it obliquely. My mother never said to me "When your masturbate, don't get so much semen on the bedsheets" - I would've been mortified by that. But once, she said something along the lines of "I don't know if I'll have time to do (something). I may end up washing bedclothes, again." A slight emphasis on the "again", no eye contact, but I got what she was getting at right away. And I immediately knew what to do differently, without us ever having to discuss it in detail.

And I think the same thing applies here. Insisting on a dialogue with his son, instead of telling him over and over again "No, really, it's cool if you're gay. I'm fine with that. You can tell me about it"...it'd be like my mother telling me not to get semen on the bedsheets. The son has already made it clear that the doesn't want to discuss this, so I don't think it makes sense to push in that direction. Better to tell him obliquely. Saying something in the context of another conversation. Let's say the house needs cleaning. The OP might tell his son, "I'd like to start getting this place cleaned up. I'd hate for you to be dating sometime down the road, and for you to bring someone home and see the house like it is now." Technically, he could say "fer you to bring your girlfriend - OR BOYFRIEND - home...", but that's heavy-handed. Better to be very subtle here, I think.

Lex

 

If she really does have a problem with gays, then in my opinion, you shouldn't tell her yet. You need to respect your son's privacy for now and do what's best for him. It takes time. He isn't out yet and you wouldn't want to push him. You have to let him figure things out for himself and let him tell his mother on his own terms when he is ready if ever. I'm 20 and I'm even out yet. It's the secret I don't want to tell anybody (neither my friends nor my family) and if it gets out, i can guarantee that i would go berserk! and I'm sure your son feels like that as well especially since he is so young. The worst thing that could happen is that your son begins to hate and resent you for telling his mother without having his consent to do so or worse, god forbid, the "s" word. You have to put your son first here and what he would want. he is probably more conflicted, confused and depressed than you are right now.
I wish you well!

 

I find this thread kind of amusing, its such a HUGE "what if" kind of thing.
I would worry more about just being generally supportive, and less about pushing the gay acceptance. you both know what kind of porn it was, and I think that if you're still supportive and there for him he will get the hint that it's ok.
I wouldn't push him too far to talk about it though, I know I certainly wasn't ready to talk about it at that age, I knew, but was just learning to accept it myself, there is a lot of internalized homophobia that people tend to deal with when they realize that they're gay.
on a side note I came out to all my friends when i was almost 16, but i was so afraid of my parents reaction, and that my dad (a 22 year army vet) might throw me out, or that I would lose my college fund, that I didn't tell them until I was 18, and had saved up money for a deposit and first and last month's rent on an apartment I had already viewed.

 

I came out, intentionally, to my mum when I was 15. My parents are divorced, but if hypothetically they were still together, then I'd rather my mum not tell my dad, whether she found out directly through me or by stumbling around on my history. Also, in the long run, I'd rather be confronted about the fact that the porn was gay porn, if I was in your son's situation. It would be rather awkward but I'd probably feel more comfortable knowing that my mum knows exactly what sexuality I am / what's going on in my head / everything is cleared up / there's perfect information. But it's most likely that your son's very different to me, aswell as your relationship with him compared to mine with my mum - Of course I'd rather think my parents as being asexual, but I'm comfortable with having frank, open discussions about sex and sexuality for myself and in general, which is probably uncommon for teenage guys. For what it's worth.

 

You Rock!!! Wish everyone had a dad like you....

 

Supporting this point, my parents came right out and asked me several different times if I was gay. I honestly think them doing so drove me further into the closet, as at that point, it came across like they would have been disappointed had I answered yes.

 

I find the best way to make a decision when it comes to a 'heart vs mind' predicament, is to go with the option that will be most affected – if that makes any sense.

When it comes to matters that can have an emotional bearing, love/relationship or are passion based, follow your heart. Leave the logistical things to your brain.

Again, I would like to commend you on the openness and blatant love you show your son. If only everyone could be so lucky!

Despite what homophobes may proclaim, the gay/queer community isn't out there to 'convert' people, so I, as others have already said, feel it should be really stressed that sexuality is, especially at your sons age, a very fluid things that requires exploration and experimentation.

I can't stress enough how important it is that your son knows that he doesn't have to know what his sexuality is, and no one has the right to expect him to be anything, gay or straight. If he knows that he can 'come out' as 'undecided' or 'unsure' to you, and that you'll be supportive and accepting, then that will be more helpful to him than any amount of 'pro-gay' love you can send his way.

 

Think of it this way, If you tell your wife about your son, your son no longer has a "safe place" to go to where he can speak without fear of what he says going any further then you.

last year sometime my mom, after opening up hotmail in a browser and realizing too late that it wasnt her account, found email notifications from a gay teen forum in my inbox and thus discovered I was at least questioning my sexuality. She didn't go to my dad with this new found information though, which I'm very thankful for, but instead went to our family doctor (who is awesome btw) and informed her of what happened and asked for advice.

Anyways after coming home from the doctors my mom confronted me and informed me of what she found by accident and who she went to for advice etc and she asked a few questions, well naturally I freaked (had a mild anxiety attack), but at the end of the awkward conversation the topic of discussing all this with my dad was brought up and I strongly said no and she agreed.

AFAIK she has kept her promise but if I ever found out she hadn't, well I was pissed at first when she went to my doctor (which I'm over now as it has given me another "safe place"), I wouldn't forgive her for a long time or trust her ever again with anything personal.

I don't know if you can gain anything from that story, which you prolly didn't want to hear anyways, but hopefully it can help you some.

P.S, I think you have handled this whole situation amazingly well and if your gut says to not tell your wife then I would go with that. Also about whether to be direct with your son or not, its really a matter of what you think your son would respond to best. Some people need that extra push, that opening to really let out what's bottled up. Others would be forced to withdraw, making things worse. Only you can really say what your son needs, compared to us strangers.

sorry about the long ass post also XD. Lemme know if any of it helped =D