Didn't know where to quite post this but her goes. I don't know if this turns out to be long or short, depending on how well I'll be able to articulate myself but. Whenever I'm in a circle of new people, I always get this eerie feeling that I am not welcome there. I know it's my problem and my problem only, but I cannot do anything about the fear at the back of my head that I am not welcome, that I should just leave, that everyone would be relieved once I did. And I find it hard to understand why those people would feel good with me being in the company, even if I am quiet (Which I try hard to be, I get this feeling that if I am completely quiet I won't bother anyone and maybe then I'll fit in somehow). It surprises me when people actually talk to me but I chuck it down to them being polite. blah...I'm not making any sense. As always.
Let me give you another situation. You're at some event - a sit-down dinner. To your left is someone you've never met. To your right is an acquaintance or casual friend. Who do you talk to the most? Probably the friend. You're not actively snubbing the stranger. You don't wish he'd go away. He just doesn't have the (modest) history you share with the friend, and so is somewhat harder to talk to. When you join in a circle of new people, you're that stranger. People will find it easier to talk to people they've already spoken with...even if that "shared history" was a three-minute conversation before you showed up. They aren't hoping you'll leave. They just will find it harder to talk to you than to others they already have. And it's true that if you remain silent, you won't put your foot in your mouth. But also, it's harder to get a silent person to join the conversation. The silence might be shyness, or aloofness, or disdain - it's tough to tell sometimes. This is why I suggest people in your situation ask questions. Doing so shows you're engaged in what's happening, and eager to try to fit in. It shows a level of politeness, and it gives the people something to work with. You don't have to fire off a series of questions in a row. Even one question can lead to a conversation. Lex
I don't think I communicated myself well enough - even when the person is engaged in a conversation with me (which is usually short lived) it always feels they are just being polite and they'd better be off without me there.
I feel like that sometimes too. I have low self esteem issues. And depression. So it's probably just you who thinks that by the way.
I think we can all get a bit paranoid from time to time, especially when we are feeling down, I also often feel like this when I am in the company of people who have big personalities & I some how become invisible
Melodica hit on it. It's self-esteem (and, more specifically, shame.) Shame makes us believe (sometimes conscoiusly, more often unconsciously) that we aren't worthy of love and belonging. It makes us think people won't like us, that we're unwelcome or unwanted. It's basically a separation from feeling like we belong. To some extent, as Lex said, any time you meet someone new, you're going to have some anxiety and worry about how you're received. Everyone has that. But when you take a relatively benign behavior of meeting a new person, and construct a scenario where no one wants you around... that's when there's a lot of shame and self-esteem issues going on. The good news is... the more you talk about shame, the more it goes away. So just starting this thread is a great place to start. Thinking about why you might feel the way you do is another good way to work on it. I also strongly recommend the TED talk by Brené Brown, "The Power of Vulnerability" on Youtube. Funny, really informative, and very interesting. You may also want to give a read to her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" And... keep talking about your feelings. That's the single biggest step you can take
