Your Friendly Neighborhood Non-Binary Bisexual Superhero

So, first off, my name is not actually Gwen. I'm DMAB and consider myself non-binary, although I generally present as male for a lot of reasons. It's comfortable. I don't feel I look stupid this way. But also because I really don't need the hassle of people who wouldn't get it. Work is also kind of strict about appearance, so anything I could do to present in a more feminine way is kind of out. Not that I feel super confident about it, anyway, but still.

My non-binary identity is really more a state of mind. I consider the feminine parts of my gender identity more psychological, and I've been told recently that I may be having more of a social dysphoria because I have a hard time having those more feminine aspects of myself respected and accepted. I don't know. The terminology kind of confuses me, sometimes. I just know that I've never felt fully like a guy in any sense, but I also don't feel unbearably uncomfortable in a male body, nor really have much of a desire to transition. I looked into it. Scared me to death, really. I may not like certain parts of me, but I still like me. I'm not sure I want to go through a hormone treatment that could seriously alter my body chemistry and theoretically turn me into someone else, someone I may not like as much. I know HRT can do wonders for a lot of people, just not me.

I generally go with he/him pronouns, but in certain contexts, have been more than comfortable being referred to in she/her terms. Sometimes, I think I need that. So the pronouns are fluid, sometimes. For the most part, you folks can use the he/him. She/Her tends to be something I need in the context of a relationship. I've had too many people in my life use feminine terms to try and insult and degrade me, so there's a trigger there to someone whom I don't trust, necessarily, referring to me as "she". So, yeah. I kind of need to be able to trust you to be okay with that, and even then, again, it's usually only something I want in the context of a relationship or certain friendships.

Maybe the best way to explain myself as non-binary is that I'm DMAB who uses female avatars online. It's usually either Kitty Pryde or, more recently, Spider-Gwen, but I've also used female Doctor Who cosplayers, Daenerys Targarian, Daria Morgandorfer. I'll often refer to myself in more feminine terms, moreso since coming out...

Yeah, I came out not too long ago. Did a big Facebook post about it to the friends and family. Was pretty loud about the bisexual part, not so much on the non-binary. I mentioned it more in passing, really just to stave off the millions of questions I felt bound to receive, and the inevitability that folks will jump to conclusions before letting me fully explain myself. "Have you ever tried crossdressing?" "So, you want to be a girl?" Stuff like that. I know that they don't mean to be super invasive and borderline transphobic about this stuff, still... it comes off that way. I get that you don't get it, but when you're asking me questions about surgeries and presentation, I feel like you're not even listening to me. What part of me I feel is more feminine is psychological, not physical. Physically, I'm this dude you think you see, for the most part. I've kind of developed a bond to it and I'm not about to throw myself off balance because my brain sees this all in a different way. I don't have a physical dysphoria. Okay, maybe sometimes I do, but that's usually on a depression downswing when I realize that I really don't like having all this body hair or whatever. If all it comes down to is needing a decent wax, but not wanting the pain involved, maybe asking me all these trans-invasive questions is kind of stupid.

As far as being bisexual is concerned, it's really just the term that feels right to use, right now. I'm probably more pansexual, but I'm not comfortable claiming that. My attraction to masculinity is nowhere near as strong as my attraction to femininity, but it does exist. I've dated outside of the binary, but the person in question was just... not good. While knowing her for as long as I did was instrumental in me coming to terms with my own identity, this was also done in the context of a relationship where one person completely lied to me about who they were, and was seemingly out only to toy with me. The idea that I was, at one point, totally in love with someone who was probably laughing at me and my "gender confusion" the entire time... it's unsettling.

Honestly, the whole point of me being here isn't so much the courage to come out. I pretty much already have. I'm just hoping to get to a point where I can be as loud and proud about being non-binary as I've been lately about being bisexual. Or that I can find a community where I actually can be out, loud and proud about who I am, completely. I live in kind of a backwater area. Conservatives abound, here, and small-mindedness is just inherit. I also get a lot of nice words to my face, but then see these same people posting and sharing some of the most racist, homophobic and transphobic things I've ever seen. Like, seriously? I come out as bi, you're all supposedly happy for me and stuff, and then you go on about how you want Ted Cruz to roll back all the human rights me and my like earned this past year because God? They act like I don't see this stuff. So, hey, no wonder I'm not as loud about the non-binary deal. I see posts supporting transphobia and these silly bathroom bills, as if anyone is actually trolling for sex in the bathroom. Because people put all that work into passing just to rape. Yeah, sure. Whatever. I swear, I live in a world of idiots, sometimes.

So, here's me. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Gwen, a non-binary bisexual just trying to pass and maybe one day, find someone who just gets him.

You can call me Gwen if you want. Just know, it's not my real name.