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You have to love yourself first...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ttmab, Jul 24, 2013.

  1. ttmab

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    I've been hearing this a lot on here. Things like 'You have to love yourself, before you can love someone else.' and 'You have to be comfortable in your own skin.'

    And it's great advice. If you aren't a complete person when you're by yourself, being with someone else won't do it for you. So, maybe this is a dumb question, but... how?

    How do you love yourself? How do you get comfortable in your own skin?

    I mean, I don't hate myself, but I don't love myself either. I thought I had self-esteem, but I was really just relying on others to give me self-esteem. Now that I'm alone I only have myself, and all I really see are flaws. Where do you begin?
     
  2. Amerigo

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    not a dumb question, but probably the greatest question ever asked!

    how does one love oneself?

    to love oneself, in my eyes, is to be good to oneself, to be kind, to do all one can to make better the life of one's own self and surroundings. not to harm oneself, but to enhance oneself.

    all this is harder for some than others (i find it really hard). as to how you should begin, i'd suggest recognise that you are valuable, worth it, a significant soul in what may seem like an insignificant life at first, but recognise that you matter no matter what. smile :slight_smile:
     
  3. greatwhale

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    When you are by yourself, when you are alone, who are you?

    To know yourself is one of the scariest things going, but maybe you are most yourself when you are with others, outside of the comfort of your own four walls and your own familiar patterns; being with others on the other hand means being with human beings who are unpredictable.

    James Hillman wrote: "When you're with another person, you're out of yourself because the other person is flowing into you and you are flowing into them, there are surprises, you're a little out of control, and then you think you are not your true real self."

    Loving yourself means just that, loving in the active sense, as you would love someone else: taking care of yourself, setting boundaries in relationships with others (this far and no further), respecting who you are and who you want to become, responding to your needs (so that you can give more to others) but above all else, knowing who you are. And if you are most yourself when you are with others, as Hillman suggests, then you need to be part of a community where loving yourself matters.
     
  4. BudderMC

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    Well, I think that's the big reason people give the caution of "needing to love yourself first" before entering relationships. If you're deriving a lot of your self-esteem from what other people think of you, then presumably when you have someone so special so close to you, you're going to inadvertantly put a lot of pressure on the relationship because your self-esteem will be so heavily based on what they think. It's not the most emotionally healthy of situations for either party.

    As for how to love yourself, that's a tough one. I'm finding for me that a lot of it derives from accepting the fact that I do have flaws and other people are better in different categories than I am... but at the same time, if I think about it I need to stop downplaying the fact that I'm better in different categories than other people too.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    This is a big problem in the way we currently live. Because we are physically separated or alienated from community, from our families, from our friends, even our closest neighbours, a lot of pressure gets put on relationships to satisfy all or each other's needs. Ironic given how easy it is these days to "communicate".

    In older times, people lived in communities which provided a rich source of connections and support from the community at large, be it church, parish, collective, etc. People were actively involved in their communities, they were invested in the future of their shared place on this earth.

    No wonder so many marriages and relationships fail, like it or not, a couple in isolation cannot withstand the pressure of so many mutual needs. Simply put, one person cannot meet all the needs of another.

    The gay community seems to have understood this, hence the myriad forms of unconventional relationships that exist to this day and the various organizations that comprise the gay world, but it is not nearly enough...
     
  6. photoguy93

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    I used to think this was just a statement people in relationships used to make us feel better.

    Okay, I still kind of think that...but I don't think, at all, that you should do it in terms of trying to find someone. I've made myself better - I've lost some weight, I'm trying to get in shape, I've been a bit more open to things, and I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety....and Im still as single as the number 1.

    So just learn to love yourself, no matter why.
     
  7. evora

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    I don't think I'll ever be able to put it as eloquently as the others but I think what loving yourself means is, you have to know and accept your flaws as well as your best qualities, and you need to be comfortable with who you are. Your happiness, self-worth, etc. should not depend on an other person.:slight_smile:
     
  8. ttmab

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    You're absolutely right about that. I just wish I'd realized earlier that this was what I was doing, but it wasn't until I'd had some time to myself that I realized this was the problem. You know, 20/20 hindsight and all that, lol.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2013 at 12:26 PM ----------


    Agreed, I don't want to do this out of the desire to find someone; on the contrary, I need a break from relationships for awhile. My problem is that I over-inflate my flaws. Small flaws or quirks suddenly become enormous. Even things that aren't flaws I start interpreting as flaws. The worst part is, I know I'm doing it, but it still keeps happening. The big problem here is that I don't really enjoy my own company at the moment, lol. I have an anxiety disorder as well, and I know that magnifies all this, too.
     
  9. JakeFromNarnia

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    I've dated a suicidal person before. I was unaware of their suicidal nature before we got into the relationship. This person lacked self confidence. Could never take a compliment. Always put himself down. Would never act happy. And it was hard to stay with him. There were never any happy moments. Just moments filled with his own self-pity and my own failed attempts to cheer him up. I broke it off one day after having enough. Luckily, he didn't do anything BAD after it. I just think the entire relationship was depressing. I don't think you have to be super narccisitic (excuse my spelling there) in a relationship. I just think you have to be satisfied with your own self before you can expect anyone to love you. It makes things simpler. Better for the both of you. I hope that helps. ^~^
     
  10. InactiveUser1

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    i am someone that doesnt like hes body and self and i learned the way u feel with ur body and self u emit to ur suroundings no wonder all those years im mostly alone and stuff then i found the courage to lose more weight than the normal that i am and actualy exercise and that is ma goal to finaly love and acept myself in the end ... i hope u understood me X_X
     
  11. mwaffles

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    I just like me. I like the things that I do. I like my personality. It's just that. I do not think I'm pretty, but that's not important to me. I'm a good person and I care about people, I don't screw people over and that's it. I just like the way I am, and if people don't, then fuck it. You really do have to love yourself first, otherwise you'll just find it stupid that people love you and you won't know why.
     
  12. CupidBoy

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    Yas you do hunty.

    [​IMG]

    It's true, I've decided I need to start loving myself as well. I feel happier already, you are the most important person to yourself. Love yourself, live your life freely and the right person will come along! Embrace who you are!
     
  13. Capsaicin

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    I never liked phrases like "you need to love yourself first." They're so vague as to be useless in practice.

    I think what helped me most was developing good boundaries, but that's because of my personal struggles growing up. Learning to love yourself is a matter of finding where you're allowing things to happen to you that shouldn't or where you're denying yourself what you need.

    One of my biggest struggles growing up was being a very openly nurturing and affectionate person, which not only attracted some good friends but also attracted a number of people who wanted me to fix their emotional issues, be their punching bag, or not judge them for being completely socially deranged and out of line - and for the record, I'm talking trying to entice me into sex after I said no twice out of line. Needless to say I was always feeling depressed, insecure, anxious, drained, and unsure of myself because of the company I kept, but I felt I needed to stay in these friendships and relationships because I needed to be liked in order to feel like a human being and I allowed myself to be convinced that protecting myself and my own interests was selfish.
     
  14. srslywtf

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    I think its more about figuring out who you really are.

    I mean you always 'think' you are you . but I at least have found, as things have started to go right or 'the way i want' in my life, I've recognised parts of my past self that werent really me, or were in the way, or something.

    So.. yes, you need to love yourself. But I'd say the only way of knowing if you're there yet, is whether you are happy about where you are in life. if you're not, you need to put in the time searching/thinking/exploring your mind/new experience/old habits/etc until you are. I guess that's just as vague an answer sorry!
     
  15. Milhouse

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    Yeah, this is definitely something I have a hard time with. I really want to love myself deeply. For so many years, I couldn't care less about myself. I hardly cared at all about my health, appearance, or mental well-being. My self-esteem and confidence was practically non-existent. I would beat myself up over making the smallest of mistakes. I strove to be the best at everything but fell short everywhere. I was self-deprecating, self-denying, and self-mutilating.

    When I discovered Sensory Processing Disorder five and a half years ago, I felt, "Wow, so I have a condition that is really really causing most of my problems." I realized I was falling short because of difficulties that I've been suffering from since before I was born. I felt finally as though I could take the blame off of myself. I felt as though maybe, just maybe, I really wasn't in complete control over the person I am. Perhaps, I discovered, I might just have to accept me for who I am and make the best of what I've got.

    It has not been easy. In those five and a half years, I've had to confront a ton of personal demons, had to step way the hell out of my comfort zone (which was unbearably small), and have had to learn to stop thinking of my myself in the most foul terms I could think of. I felt sexually attracted to diapers, and I felt little to no sexual attraction to women. I found myself vile and repulsive. The layers of self-hate were woven pretty thick.

    It took me 3 years to admit that I wasn't completely straight. It took me 5 years to actually explore those feelings and confront the fact that I much prefer to be in the company of other men than women, and that my interests likely did extend beyond the usual bonds of male friendships. It still sickens me. The fact that I realize I'm likely to be 'a bottom' really doesn't help me with that, lol.

    My own advice that I need to damn well start following? I need to affirm to myself daily that I'm not a mistake of a human being, that I'm not the most vile thing in existence, and that I, even in my times of deepest sorrow, was still able to look outward and make amazing differences in the lives of those around me. I have had at least a couple people tell me that my emotional support basically saved their lives.

    How the hell am I a vile person? How the fuck do I get off hurting myself in such a way? I meet people that are similar to me and care for them immensely. How do I justify not returning the favor inward? Sure, the people I helped might also be considered 'vile' by the same people who would consider me to be the same, but why am I listening to them anyways? Am I honestly hearing other people say these things, or is it just me saying these things about myself? I'm pretty sure it's more the latter. If anyone out there seriously hated me as much as I used to hate myself, I would likely call the police.

    I like to remember a particular line for myself: Do unto myself as I would do unto others. It's the reverse of the old 'golden rule,' but it's something to live by if you already treat other humans like they're all amazing, wonderful people. I used to think doing even the slightest thing for myself was selfish or proof that I felt I was better than other people or something. Going with the flow is just something that I could never, ever do. I'm learning to put myself on par with everyone else and accept myself as I accept everyone else, but it's just been quite a fight for me, as I'm sure it has been for plenty of others on here. Anyhow, I guess this was more of a vent than honest suggestions, lol. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  16. Something that has helped me a lot, is to find something that I'm good at. For me that has been my job which is trucking but it could be anything! Maybe you're really good at sports, or you love to draw, just focus on that. Facing what we're afraid of, and then realizing it wasn't so bad after all will help too. That's what happened with me, when I was a teenager I never believed I was worth a grain of salt. I never had a real job until I was out of High School and almost 20. I put myself out there, and got to meet different people and even made a few friends. It wasn't anything special, just hanging out like going to a movie or going out to eat. Making those first friendships meant the world to me. They weren't the "cool kids" that I would have found in school, but they were some of the best people I could have ever asked for.

    None of them were perfect, some of them have handicaps and it taught me that it's okay if I'm not perfect either. I got a drivers license around the same time, and having the freedom to go where ever I wanted and not having a curfew was another boost. I went to military boot camp thinking it would "make a man out of me", and haha I sure was wrong. I got an entry level separations due to previous stuff from my past but I was really bummed out over it and got depressed. So last year or so I decided to drive a truck, and I was absolutely terrified of it. Its sheer size frightened me, but my instructor kept telling me that "It ain't nothing but a big old pussy cat!". Now I've literally amazed myself by proving what I can do, and realizing that even though the military thing didn't work out -- I'm still good at other things!

    Self esteem is something I've struggled with my entire life, but this is what I've learned so far! Sorry if my post was really long but I hope it helped! (*hug*)
     
  17. ttmab

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    Yeah, I just need to accept that no one is perfect, and no one expects me to be perfect either.

    You're right about finding something you're good at. I've always loved writing, and I've always been good at it. Maybe not great, but good. It's taken me a long time to accept that I don't suck at it, as if admitting I was good at it would be egotistical of me. When I started questioning my sexuality I decided to put myself in a fictional scenario with another man, and just write it and see where it led. It's now 65,000 words long and counting, and is one of the deepest, most emotional things I have ever written. :lol:

    I suppose I need to do the same thing, confront my insecurity through writing. Hell I could probably make it part of the story I was just talking about. This kind of thing should be more obvious to me. :rolle:


    Ah, I almost did the whole army thing myself for the same reasons. Didn't work out, thank god.
    Lol, also for some reason when you mentioned joining the army to 'make a man out of you' it made me think of this: http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3754606_700b.jpg

    Hopefully that's good for a chuckle. Anyway, thanks for the advice! :slight_smile:
     
  18. Choirboy

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    I like the principle of "loving yourself first" but it alays sounded a little narcissistic to me. Instead, I always seem to drift back to the routine that the flight attendant goes through before takeoff, which no one really listens to: If there is an emergency and the oxygen masks pop out, put one securely on yourself before you run around helping everyone else with theirs. because you won't be much use to anyone else in the long run if you yourself run out of oxygen.

    I think we all have to figure where--or what--our oxygen masks are. We all have different things that give us strength and security, and we have to figure out what they are and how to draw a deep breath off of them. Putting the mask on yourself first doesn't mean you are selfish and it doesn't mean that you don't care about the other people on the plane. It just means that you realize that you can have a more positive effect, a more positive life (and potentially a more positive relationship with someone else) if you have some "oxygen" of your own first.
     
  19. Nick07

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    Some of the posts here make me really regret that this board has no Thank you button...
     
  20. Pat

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    Take yourself out on a date. Really ponder on what it is that you want from yourself (career goals, physical ones, etc) And then think about what you may want from others and see how many of those things sound like you're going to rely on them for support. You just want clarity really. It's the hardest thing to do in life, but the most rewarding in my opinion. Mythical almost to think that you could be completely whole by yourself. I would say focus on you and what your goals are in life. For me, at 23 years old I'm trying to get certified for my career so I can get my own place and experience some financial freedom. Fitness is really important to me right now also. So that's another way I'm working on me. It's a difficult journey, but very worthwhile to improve your being. And to elaborate on a comment earlier, loving yourself IS narcissistic. It's SUPPOSED to be. That's how you avoid other people's bullshit when you decide you may want to be with someone. You don't sacrifice your dignity for another this way.
     
    #20 Pat, Jul 29, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2013