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WWYD? Opinions wanted.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    Due to not finding a job or accommodation, I was all set to move back to my mums. Then I went for a job interview - low paid, below my qualifications - I did not get the job, but was instead offered a job at the same level I do now. The catch being it’s temporary to cover sickness - could last for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years - so as I couldn’t rent on that, with no guarantee of income, I turned it down (they said to call back if I changed my mind) and I decided to stick to my plan to move back home.

    Two days later I am offered suitable, affordable social housing accommodation, in the town I currently live in. My younger brother died tragically and very unexpectedly that same day. I am still processing this and I don’t think it’s helping my decision making. He had only recently left home and, if I went home, I would be sleeping in what was his room. This does not completely put me off, but I’m not sure that me being at home all the time is going to help my grief or my mum’s grief and adapting process in the long-term.

    However, I have now been warned away from the job I was offered by somebody who currently works there and had also turned the job down. It’s not an environment worth working in apparently. I can afford the offered flat without full time work - that’s the point of them - and it would be less disruptive to my daughter, but I haven’t actually seen it yet, so...

    What to do? Any thoughts?

    Thank you.
     
  2. TwoFeech

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    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Is your daughter old enough to weigh in with her opinion? What kind of disruption would this cause for her? In times of crisis, my go-to advice is to stick with the plan. In your case, that means move back home.

    Living with parents as an adult means you need to set clear boundaries. Your room is your own. Make scheduled time to spend with your mother so the two of you can share your grief but not smother each other.

    Again, so sorry. This must be so hard.
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you.

    Those are good questions...My daughter is too young to offer an opinion, and as it’s an emotionally abusive situation, I can’t really tell her because my partner can’t know. Her having no prior warning is part of the disruption, but that’s true either way. The additional disruption caused by moving home would be new school, making new friends, etc.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey Lostindaydreams, I am so sorry for your loss.

    I know it's probably virtually impossible but if you imagine the same scenario but without the tragedy of your brother what do you think you would do?
    I don't think moving home should necessarily stop you or your mum grieving or make it harder. Sometimes sharing time and space with others who are going through similar can help.
    Living with parents has some disadvantages but it would also have advantages.

    The person that warned you off the job, how well do you know them?
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you.

    Not well, but I know people who do know them very well and I have no reason to doubt this person. They’ve been helpful in the brief interactions that I've had with them.
     
    #5 LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
  6. silverhalo

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    So they seem like a reliable source. Is there anyone else you feel you could ask their opinion on it? I tend to think if it's a reliable source then they are probably telling you for good reason, people often have some negativity in their job but small amounts wouldn't be enough to make someone do that so it would lead me to believe she is probably right and not exaggerating.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    No, nobody else I could ask. Most other people think it could be a great opportunity, but they have no direct experience.

    They said that they told me because I seemed like a nice person.
     
  8. TwoFeech

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    I don't want to make light of what your daughter faces, not to mention the stress you and she will have, dealing with her emotions as she adjusts, but I do think this is an almost universal experience for children at some point in their development (not the no-warning, but the moving school and house). There should be lots of good resources with tips on helping kids deal with sudden changes of home and school. You are already considering her feelings, so keep on doing that. Is there some way that, when you are settled, she can write to or call her friends from her old school?

    Fwiw, when my grandmother needed medical help, when my siblings and I were young, she moved in with our family, and we thought having grandma around at home was cool.

    P.S. If she's really little, actually telling her on the way to your new home, as long as you modulate any worry in your tone, might be enough warning for her. Then she can hopefully let you know what she needs regarding knowing her friends are okay and still like her, etc.
     
    #8 TwoFeech, Jul 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
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  9. silverhalo

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    Do you feel as though you are leaning on way or the other?
     
  10. LostInDaydreams

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    With the job? I am concerned it’ll be a lot of work, more so than usual...it won’t be the easy option.

    My therapist said to see the flat, try it for a month or so, and go home if it’s really not working. It’ll be easier to go to a flat now, with some sort of job, and keeping going, than it will be to move home, no job or independence, and have to build up again. But, it does put me further away from my partner and gives me space to think.
     
  11. TwoFeech

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    So you would have no long-term financial obligation to the flat? You could cancel the lease anytime if it doesn't work out?
     
  12. Peterpangirl

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    Firstly I am really so sorry for your loss. Secondly I am wondering if you have a lot to lose by trying out the flat? If it is awful how much notice would you have to give? As regards moving back in with your Mum I guess it depends how your relationship is? For some people it might be helpful after a bereavement and a place of mutual support - for others it may simply be the cause of additional stress for all concerned. What is your gut feeling about the job you are taking on? Do you think it will be so stressful that it would be the straw to break the camel's back at an already difficult and highly stressful period of transition? It is a dilemma sometimes and difficult to know what to do for the best, but ultimately we need to try to walk the fine line between moving forward - but at a pace that is manageable in terms of maintaining reasonable mental health.
     
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  13. TwoFeech

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    Peterpangirl has a good point. It takes a couple of months to really learn and get used to a new job and find out whether it's a good fit, whether the expectations you were given at the outset will actually be fulfilled, whether the job description was honest and realistic, etc.
     
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  14. SoulSearch

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    I’m so sorry about your brother. Hope you can find peace and comfort in whichever decision you make.
     
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  15. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you for all your input...I went to look at the flat, but was advised it may be too close to my partner. So, I am going to go to my mum’s house, but they are concerned that he’ll easily work out where I am, which I’ll deal with when it happens.
     
  16. TwoFeech

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    Stay safe.
     
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  17. silverhalo

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    Well at least it made the decision for you. Hopefully he wouldn't resort to that but at least you wouldn't be alone. If he did I am sure you would get promoted up the list for emergency housing.
     
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  18. r2de2baca

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    If it were me I would:
    1. See if I could see what the flat looked like. If it was clean and safe I would move in.

    2. If you get a job, you eventually are going to move out of moms house anyway.

    3. You need space for you and your child.

    4. mom may get dependent on you being there.

    5. I would not want tonsleep in my late siblings room. Too hard to bear each night (sorry for your loss)

    6. if the free flat sucks then I would have no choice to live with mom.