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Would you date someone who was still in the closet?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Silili4, Apr 20, 2017.

  1. Eyerene

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    Being that I am also partially closeted, I don't think I'd mind too much accommodating for that. I'm not too keen on telling the rest of my family, so I can understand hesitance over coming out. Although, being that I'm keen on hand holding and quick cheek kisses, if someone were closeted up to the point where something as simple as that was unacceptable in public I might have a problem with that.
     
  2. eMei

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    That would depend on how much I liked them.
     
  3. gaynonsense

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    I don't know. I certainly see the risks involved, but I don't see why I wouldn't give it a shot. Love is so rare in this world, why would I ever turn down the potential for it?
     
  4. InvisibleMisfit

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    Of course I would.
     
  5. GoinStag

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    Oh yeah, I mean if I was attracted to them and they could handle themselves.
     
  6. Silili4

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    I agree. The relationship is more about you two so I wonder why your out status becomes such a bother to someone? Are they dating you for other people or for themselves?

    ---------- Post added 20th Apr 2017 at 08:44 PM ----------

    I second this. Too much paranoia around simple acts of affection somehow sets people off. But depending on the context, I think one should be careful especially in places where being gay and expressing your sexuality or romance in public may have some dire consequences

    ---------- Post added 20th Apr 2017 at 08:57 PM ----------

    It makes sense somehow for a person that has endured a considerable level of homophobia to feel uncomfortable dating a person that is still frail in public about showing affection.
    Although am still not convinced on the concept of someone's out status being an immediate deal breaker for a possibly fulfilling relationship. I agree that we date out of preference and compatibility but is it really that big of an issue. And if it comes up, would you dismiss such a person based on that or maybe try to help them through it? I believe there are carious components that make up a personality despite the out status
     
  7. PlantSoul

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    Honestly, I wonder if some people have forgotten what it's like to be in the closet. Even though I've told a few people about my sexuality, I'm still in the closet. I think it would be pretty hypocritical of me to refuse to date someone in a similar situation. Then again, being with someone who's also in the closet could prevent me from progressing as I should with my sexuality and vice versa. I've been having a lot of difficulty in fully accepting myself. I think I would fair better if I were with someone who has already been were I am and who is now fully accepting of themselves.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    It sounds like we have completely different definitions of being in the closet.

    I wouldn't want to engage in PDA, but I also wouldn't want to engage in PDA if I were straight. I'm also a private person who doesn't really like talking about my love life and sex life that much. This would not change if I were straight.

    However, there is a huge difference between being private about your relationship details in appropriate moments and being completely secretive about your relationship in pretty much all situations. It's the latter that is a complete dealbreaker.

    Just because I don't like talking about my sex life or showing PDA doesn't mean I wouldn't want to tell my family and friends who my girlfriend is. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to tell people the basics (ie; my girlfriend and I went to the mall) even if some relationship details are kept private. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be facebook official. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want to get married and have an official marriage certificate that people are going to know about.

    We can stay friendly in public. I'd expect that and I'd expect heterosexuals to do that too. No one likes super affectionate behavior in public. But I do expect my partner to let me tell at least some people who she is and at least let me express my relationship in situations where it is appropriate to do so. I mean, every gay person is in the "closet" to strangers, and that is fine. Not everyone needs to know my business. But it becomes a dealbreaker if I am stifled from expressing my relationship all together.

    I have been out of the closet for 13 years. I am so over the BS of being afraid and paranoid, so over the "baby stages" of being gay. My partner needs to respect that I am in a different stage and that it feels selfish to make me go backward in my life just because she doesn't like that being in the closet is a dealbreaker to me, you know?

    Another issue is how dangerous it is. If we're talking about someone who can't be out because of extreme homophobic parents they haven't confronted, that is an even bigger dealbreaker. While I do understand WHY someone would be closeted, It's also selfish to drag another person into this as they would also face risk and possibly physical harm if they were caught. It it way too much drama to even want to deal with. I personally think It's better to come out before you try to date so the risks are minimal here. Dating someone is not going to decrease the risks of your homophobic parents hurting you, it'll make it worse. It's better to remove the drama before another person is involved.
     
  9. Kirua

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    If I like them, then I don't see any problems with them being out or not- whether the relationship needs to be kept hidden or not is fine with me, so long as I get to be with the person I like. c:

    I did go out with a closeted person once, albeit online. It actually confused me quite a bit, since whenever we were talking in public chats he would sort of deny any chances of him being gay, or he would make possibly homophobic comments or jokes. When we were in skype calls and he was talking to his family, they would jokingly talk about gay people a lot and he would say stuff like "Do I look gay to you?" so haha... //drowns in confusion

    Still, I was completely happy with our relationship even if he had to keep it from his family and wasn't very open about it. It was online, so thinking about stuff like PDA and everything never really had to cross my mind, but whether the person I'm with is uncomfortable being affectionate in public or how we look to the world or not, it's fine with me. I don't know if any of this is important, but since it is kind of on the topic, I thought I'd share. ^^

    EDIT: that being said, if I am in love with someone and in a relationship with them, it would definitely be something I'd want to share with the people I'm close to. If I wasn't allowed to do that, I would be pretty sad. I'm especially close with my mother and tend to be quite open with her, so I can't imagine having to keep my relationship with someone a secret from her and I really hope I never have to. I don't have to share it with the world, but if there is someone making me really happy, I'd want her to know about them at least.
     
    #29 Kirua, Apr 21, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2017
  10. silverhalo

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    I think it completely depends on the people, the degree of closetedness and the age/situation of the people. I don't think there is any shame either way. I think your opinion on it can also change as time or a relationship progress.
    When I first joined EC I was confused by my sexuality and completely in the closet. With the help of people here I figured things out and came out. I then got into a relationship with an amazing girl who was also only just coming out. At the time I didnt care at all about out status and I honestly thought I never would. I still believe that its not my place to tell someone else they should or shouldnt come out but my opinion has changed. We have now been happily together for almost 8 years and whilst my girlfriend has come out to most people and is happy being out in public with no issues she still isnt out to her parents and some relatives. Its not that I mind as such, as some have suggested I am not with my girlfriend to be friends with her parents and family, it does however present problems with priorities and loyalties and jealousy etc. It also impacts on our relationship moving forward with things like getting married. I dont regret getting with my girlfriend but if I ever found myself single in the future (which I hope never happens) I am not sure whether or not I would ever get into the same situation again.
     
  11. SemiCharmedLife

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    Depends how far in. I wouldn't want to be a secret to his family or friends. If he doesn't want employers or the general public knowing (which is kind of where I am) that's another story and totally fine
     
  12. Silili4

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    My definition of closeted vary but the core factor to me is the issue of my family and other sentimental people in my life. I love them so much despite the passive homophobia that has been instilled in the members. To the rest of the world my sexuality doesn't really matter but I agree that as long as someone even a stranger has not asked about your sexuality, you are somehow still in a closet of some sort.
    On the issue of a dating partner however, my issue lies with my exes who have specifically cited how they are uncomfortable with the way I handle discussions with family on matters pertaining to my dating life. I count myself as closeted because the people I love the most ( family) do not know that I date girls and I do a pretty good job hiding it.
    It is fortunate however that I have met the family members of people I've dated in the past with the recent ex having parents that have had a same sex relationship for over 12years but are still in the closet. Only a few people know. I feel that somehow the context at which she came out was a bit more favorable than in a more conservative setup such as mine. Aaannddd it would be somehow unfair for that person to demand that I come out to my family so that the relationship can thrive because they are dating me and not my family
    Anyway, I would like to sustain a very long term relationship and maybe get the strength and courage to tell my immediate family coz I somehow miss an opportunity to live an authentic life with amazing people
     
  13. Creativemind

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    ^ To reply to the above, now that you've given more info....

    Personally, it would be a dealbreaker for my girlfriend to not be out to her family. And It's not because I'm "dating her family". But because I am a very old-fashioned and traditional person who has hopes of sharing our life either married or at least living together as partners. Pretty much everyone would know of your life if the relationship gets that serious. I do not want to be hidden when I've hoped for the same treatment as straight people.

    Now, if the family is violently homophobic, I'd only be okay with dating such a person if they've cut their family out of their life for good. If they're within contact of the family- would be dealbreaker to me due to not only having to be hidden from them, but due to the drama and possible dangers I myself might get in.

    That being said, I also agree that forcing someone to come out to the family is wrong. I wouldn't force someone to come out, and I wouldn't force them to cut contact with their homophobic family. It's not an ultimatum at all...I simply solve the problem by not dating the person and cutting ties with them if I find out their out status. It might feel unfair, but you also can't force people to date you if It's a dealbreaker.

    Think of being closeted like wanting children. You could argue that It's unfair for your childfree partner to not give you the joys of parenthood, but It's also unfair to force children on them if it would make them miserable. There is no proper outcome here other than to find someone more compatible.
     
  14. ForeverRainbow

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    Of course. For me, it wouldn't affect how much I'd like to date them because it just shows perfectly rational nervousness. If they eventually wanted to come out, I would help them, but if they didn't, that would also be fine.
     
  15. Silili4

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    I get your point @CreativeMind. In your opinion and maybe from the general consensus it is in fact easier (from maybe members experiences and opinions) to date a person that is out especially to people that matter the most to them ( in this case family) than it is to be in a relationship where at some point you as the partner are forced into some kind of 'cover up' when around people who should be ideally celebrating and enriching your union ( in this case family). Well, that genuinely sounds like something I would desire to have.
    I have also come to the conclusion (from going through the comments and profiles) that people that are out prefer other people that are out because such a relationship appears to create more fulfillment without having to live a lie because hiding looks like some form of regression. On the other hand, people in the process of coming out may be willing to go through the journey together, however, demanding as it may be. Despite the above statements I lean towards dating people that are out because they somehow offer a more significant supportive framework as I progress in my process than someone that maybe is still somehow hiding like me
     
  16. The Yuri Wolf

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    My last girlfriend was out everywhere while i was so far in the closet where I lived that i wouldnt hold her hand or give any physical contact. Now I'm out everywhere and happy but I would still be in a relationship with someone in the closet because I've been there, it takes time ^_^
     
  17. Desertcat

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    I'm not out to most so I would say yes they could date. Who is to say they might not both be in the closet?
     
  18. Austin

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    Probably. But if they are around my age (24-25) then there's probably some personal issues or family issues that they're dealing with that are delaying their coming out. That would give me some hesitation.
     
  19. Rainbows~Exist

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    Thinking about it... no. We've all been there and I understand what it's like but I'd need someone unafraid to be seen holding hands with me in public. I'm a pretty open person so it wouldn't work out for me.
     
  20. SimplyJay

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    Yes I would, and I'd actually prefer it since I'm not out myself.