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Worthless?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johndeere3020, Jul 19, 2018.

  1. johndeere3020

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    Well, I guess it has been awhile since I posted here. I find myself not visiting EC lately when I feel down, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing. I just find myself feeling so down, alone and worthless the last couple of months and even more so the last couple of days...

    So it's 203 AM where I am and its official, 46 years old. The number 40 didn't bother me but now that I am closer to 50 than 40 things seem a little, well different.

    I spent my entire young life trying to please my father, an impossible task. Last November he died and I felt a huge relief. I know that sounds bad and part of me feels bad for feeling that way, but its the truth. I am kind of wondering why I was so stupid for always being the "good" boy and listening to him. Why I never had the courage to be myself and find my own way. I know why, dad was a very good manipulator. I just don't understand why I couldn't see it until now. Sitting in his Mayo Clinic hospital room with him after finding his cancer had spread I told him that I always took everything he said to heart he lowered his head and said "I know." I should have asked him why the fuck he had to say some of the things he did to me over the years, but like a good boy I kept my mouth shut. As he lay at home dying he told me he kept seeing a black dog. My aunt said he told her he saw a little girl in the corner of the room and the neighbor lady that was helping me take care of him said he seen his dad, mom and brother, all dead. The last thing he said to me when I told him I would stay with him is "why." I was thinking today that "why" was his understanding, finally, hours before his death, of what unconditional love really meant? I guess I will never know but will try to find peace with him with that thought.

    Mom died a week and a few hours later. I wasn't there with her and I should have been. Crap, started crying thinking about mom, have to continue this later.

    Dean
     
  2. brainwashed

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    a) I believe I previously (to rushed to look for post or message at this moment) told you things are going to get ugly. Now they are.

    b) It sounds like your dad and my mom (I'm making this assessment with very little facts) are two peas in the pod. OVERBEARING.

    c) Dean, it's going to get better I assure you.

    d) Slight change in subject. One of the saddest days of my life was when my mom died. The best thing that could have happened to me is my mom dying.
     
  3. slowmo

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    I can identify with some what you're saying and feeling. I'm 59. I was 52 when my Dad died and 55 when my mom died. We had our ups and downs over the years, but there was more good than bad, especially as I got older. I know that feeling of finality you're experiencing. I certainly was totally unprepared for the feeling of being sort of an orphan, and "next in line" so to speak.

    After a 30-year bad marriage and three now-adult kids, I had already separated then divorced early in my 50's. I didn't even begin until a couple years ago (i.e., at age 57) to discuss with a therapist my realization/acceptance that I was gay and had probably known that at some level my whole life. Long story made short, I started coming out to friends and family just a couple of months ago, and the process is now basically done. Every one of the experiences was between fine and great. With both parents gone, I was alleviated of having to come out to them. But I do think now they would have understood and accepted it.

    I had already been attending some gay support-type groups for a few months and meeting people. That helped get rid of some preconceived notions I cad created in my head -- that I was a freak; that I had taken the easy way out; that "real" gay men wouldn't accept me. Nothing has been further from the truth. I've had nothing but support.

    On the Fourth of July (appropriately "Independence Day"), I registered on a couple of dating sites, and I had my first date in 40 years last week. It was wonderful. Who knows if this particular guy will work out. Probably not. But we're gonna have a second date, and there's another guy as well who's interested. Now I'm actually optimistic about having prospects and not necessarily being alone and lonely forever. For the first time in decades, I can actually FEEL things. It gas been invigorating and scary and strange, but I' don;t wan to go back to the old numb me.

    You say you're 46. That is NOT that old. You could easily have HALF of your life still ahead of you. And there are similarly situated gay men looking for genuine guys with the hope of forging a relationship. You can't undo or redo what happened in the past with your parents or anyone else. But you can now begin to create a new future of your own choosing. Baby steps ... that's all it takes. I wish you the best.
     
  4. YeahpIdk

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    Hey Dean.

    Your story hit a nerve in me while reading. It reminded me of my family's relationship with my mother. In this case, your dad is my family and you are similar to my mom. My mother, and I wish I could say it to her, but sometimes she messes things up so badly that I don't want to give her any praise, is kind of a saint. She will do almost anything for anyone, give the last shirt off of her back even if she absolutely needs it the most, and loves unconditionally, sometimes to a fault. She puts everyone before herself. I think it's why people feel they can talk down to her, demean her, manipulate her emotions, and use her to their heart's content anyway -- because she never says the word, "no." She doesn't know how to. She's like, one of those gentle souls that always sees the good in people and situations even if they're not good at all, so she's gullible and gets her heart broken a lot of the time. Never says what she feels inside, even if it's rage, and is often unable to make decisions, especially based on her own happiness.

    [everything below this is a metaphor]
    People talk her out of her happiness all of the time. If she says she wants to paint her fence pink like someone else she knows, someone in my family will tell her that it's a bad decision because she's never painted before and doesn't know what she's doing -- yet will come over, look at her fence, and disgust in the fact that it's not pink. And even if they know how to paint a fence pink, they can't just be like, "Oh, cool. I've painted my fence pink, do you want me to help you figure out how to paint yours, or give you the name of someone I know who can help?" Or even just leave it at cool and let her paint her fucking fence pink, so even if it's wrong, she can figure out how to paint the damn fence eventually. Nope. That's not how things go in my family, especially with her. And instead of telling them to go screw themselves and painting the fence, she will just leave the fence alone because if they think it's too hard, it probably is, and just be sad that she can't do it.

    Recently, she HAD to try and paint her fence pink. She wasn't given a choice. The 'town' said she needed to paint it pink or else, and even then, she was told she couldn't paint it, because she didn't know how to. Even though she was being FORCED to paint, she was still being told it was IMPOSSIBLE for HER to paint. So like, what was her option?? Even with only one option she was expected to have zero options.

    Everyone was gearing up for her to fail, and guess what! SHE DID!! Is that unusual? Probably not. I was afraid she'd fail. She was afraid she'd fail. They were afraid she'd fail/knew she would, and she absolutely did. Bingo bing bang boom: prophecy fulfilled. They are the holy grail of knowledge. So now her fence is all fucked up and looks horrible. Worse than before she ever tried to paint, but what does she do?? She's trying again, BECAUSE SHE EVEN DARED TO PAINT, and now she seems to know some things to absolutely not do while you're painting. And what's happening AGAIN? Everyone's waiting for her to fail, AGAIN. Except this time, I'm not going to expect or fear it. If it happens again, GOD FORBID, I will make sure she knows she has access to paint and tools and needs to figure it out. If she'll let me, because now she has a pride thing about the painting and lies, sometimes saying she's like Picasso. If she screws up again, she will just have to try again. Whatever happens will happen. But I truly believe she's having SUCH a hard time painting because no one ever tells her to just PAINT, or made her feel like she ever could paint by herself, without help, even though no one who believes she needs help is willing to give her any at all.

    I, naturally, am the complete opposite of her from witnessing this most of my life. Except, for a lot of my life, I joined in on the disgust with them. Also, I was constantly told to help her paint and teach her to paint and make sure I know how to paint well and make sure I don't do the strokes wrong like she does -- and I hated it because I was like, IT'S FUCKING PAINTING I'M NOT A MORON DON'T COMPARE MY PAINTING TO HER PAINTING BEFORE YOU EVEN SEE ME PAINT. I also didn't understand why the FUCK she couldn't just paint her fence whichever the fuck color she wanted to. It seemed so easy when there's nothing wrong with her otherwise. Just buy the paint! Then paint it! It wasn't until the past few years that I became sick and couldn't really leave my house, and I became dependent on people housing me and feeding me, etc. All I could do was observe and think, and then I saw this truly screwed up dynamic of my mother saying something she wanted to do, and it being immediately shot down and met with criticism while also being this thing that she SHOULD be doing. I think I almost had a nervous breakdown, and I immediately called her wherever she was, maybe even crying, telling her I was sorry for what she's been through because I TRUUUUULY believe it's complete and utter emotional abuse to do that to someone.

    I'm not sure if your thing is the same, but beating someone down for zero reason, regarding something completely rational that other people do every day, and do well, is clear emotional abuse to me. Especially if it's a mean of survival. I have an extremely strained relationship with my family now because of witnessing this dynamic. I, unfortunately, have to be around them at the moment, but I have a lot of anger in me and avoid speaking to them too much because they're all so negative, and it's not good for my healing process. Plus, being opposite of her, I literally bite people's heads off and would definitely never be invited to anything ever again if I said exactly what I thought -- so I actually keep a lot of distance right now because being ill for a long time has ruined my filter. They also make it seem like there's nothing wrong with me, even though I became extremely ill and may be sent to a teaching hospital someday soon to be studied since doctors can't figure me out (but I am also getting better with time, somewhat, thankfully), so I've realized most people just like to live within the confines of their own skull and never expand from that point.

    I told my mother she should go to a therapist and look into having been manipulated so she can understand it and break free of not being able to paint her fence well, and I'll tell you the same thing. Go speak to a professional and dig, dig, dig until you dig out of this hole. You have to dig in to get through it. And stop being a "good" boy now. It doesn't matter what your age is. My mom is at least 20 years older than you and is just now trying to paint a fence -- which, beyond metaphor, isn't the easiest thing.