1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Worried about telling my boyfriend about changing my name

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Evelyn64, Jul 26, 2024.

  1. Evelyn64

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2024
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi, this is my first ever post on this forum. I am sorry if I make any mistakes, please correct me if I do make any.

    Some basic background first. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months, but we were close friends since September. This is my first ever romantic relationship and also my first relationship where I am actually very close to someone. This means I do not know much about proper conduct for this sort of thing. I am (fairly) newly trans and have recently experienced a lot more dysphoria and discontent with myself than I have ever before for a variety of reasons.

    Now for the setup. A month into our relationship I expressed maybe wanting to use she/her pronouns, so he suggested he/she pronouns. I had thoughts about maybe being trans long before then, but how good it felt hearing him call me she/her and how :frowning2: it felt when he used he/him confirmed to me that I was.

    I came out to him as trans 3 months (??? unsure on exact timings) into our relationship, it went poorly at first but he improved greatly with time. I decided to keep my 'original' name, which was my (very masculine) middle name, not my first name as I have gone by my middle name for a few years by now.

    Since then, I have had doubts about wanting to be called my middle name. I am ok with it, but I was curious about other options. I experimented with various names before settling on Evelyn, which was at first only was a "oh this could be a good name for me". Recently, I started both mentally calling myself Evelyn and using it to refer to myself while journalling. I really really like Evelyn being used to refer to me, to the point where it feels weird to call myself my middle name now. Also using Evelyn would keep my initials intact, as my first name also starts with an E, which is a really nice bonus.

    Now it comes to the problem. My boyfriend is very accepting of me now and has supported me a lot, but he's also said some stuff that makes me worried about telling him about changing my name. He said in passing a few weeks ago, "You'll always be MIDDLE NAME to me.", in reference to people calling me by my first name. He's also made comments on how much he likes my middle name.

    I could still just go by my middle name, but I really like being Evelyn. I just worry that he won't like me being Evelyn and/or he'll miss my middle name. I don't know what to do and that's why I am asking here.

    Thank you for reading me ramble about my worries and for your help.
     
  2. Chillton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2023
    Messages:
    494
    Likes Received:
    497
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would sit down and have a candid conversation with him and simply ask if he has an issue with the new name you have chosen for yourself because of his recent behavior and how it makes you feel. The key to all relationships is clear communication.

    Hopefully it's nothing and he is just being stubborn or it could be an indicator he is still having trouble adjusting to your transition.

    As long as you have a positive and thoughtful attitude then it should be fine.

    Both of you could also come up with a cute nickname to call you, to help him get used to the name change in the meantime.
     
  3. Evelyn64

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2024
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your response!
    I didn't make this clear in my post and I am sorry, but I have not told him about my name change yet. I rushed the last half of typing this because I got a notification from staff that I needed to make a Welcome post, so I didn't get the information properly across.

    But, I think sitting down and talking to him about it will be a good thing either way, so thank you for that advice. Only problem is that I am currently away from home because of work, and I still have some time to go until I am back home. Do I wait until until I am back to talk in person or do I talk to him through messages over discord? Discord is the only way I can contact him and he cannot use the call function.

    Also, I like the nickname idea, I will definitely try that :grin:

    Thank you again for responding
     
  4. Chillton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2023
    Messages:
    494
    Likes Received:
    497
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That context changes everything lol ;P. I don't think you have anything to worry about. It sounds like he is being very supportive and endearing. I don't think he loves the middle name, just showing love and support for the person attached to it. I would probably wait and tell him about wanting to change your name, so it can be a special moment you two share. But I also think it would be fine to message him to. It will just be hard to convey something so personal and subjective with messaging alone.

    You're just overthinking it and there is no need to rush things.

    Also he is probably expecting you to change your name down the road at some point. Most people who are transitioning typically do eventually. It shouldn't be to much of a shock.
     
    #4 Chillton, Jul 26, 2024
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2024
  5. Evelyn64

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2024
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you so much for the advice. Looking back, yeah I was just overthinking it. I was nit picking stuff he said a while ago and what he was saying was just to support me and there was no way he was meaning "never change your name". I think I just needed someone to say that it'll be fine lol

    I will wait until I am back home to tell him, I think it'll just be easier and it gives me time to think about how I am going to do it. Thank you so much again
     
    Chillton likes this.
  6. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,993
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Good communication is important because no one is a mind reader. Your boyfriend may or may not have known you were trans when you first met, so he is probably still figuring things out, especially if he’s cis and not very aware of trans issues. That may be why he spoke about your middle name.

    People often enter into relationships with a fixed idea on how it will look only for one or both partners to change. Whether your boyfriend accepts your new name or not is his choice, you can’t control his life as much as he can’t control yours. Hopefully things go well, and if not, don’t be hard on yourself, you have many more years to find someone who is more compatible.