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Work place

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by case121, Apr 28, 2020.

  1. case121

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    Thanks for reading this:slight_smile:

    Since I left University and started working in different work environments I have experienced the same behavior.

    I always wonder who is gay in my work place and think he might be gay, or he...start questioning myself and others, is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? Kids? It feels like a true obsession and it affects my productivity and work. After I know someone is not gay, i kind of move to the next room and the story starts all over again...I try to avoid groups lunches because of not having unexpected eye contact. But this has also bothered me, sitting in a bar, restaurant, airplanes etc. and anxiety attacks have been on my side and made me to leave...just 1 glance...

    Wonder if someone recognizes this and look forward to any reply!:slight_smile:

    Discl.: Male, consider myself more straight than gay, had quite some girls in my life, nice sexual encounters, but the thought of being gay has been with me since my teenage years, 35 years now and there have been some profound reasons for that. Still searching...
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there, welcome to EC!

    I think it is normal to wonder about somebody else in particular if for example you are trying to form a connection with somebody and would like to build a circle of support around you. If you don't mind me asking, what have you done to explore the possibility of being gay, beyond wondering about others and trying to figure out if somebody else is gay? What are the reasons for you thinking that you might be gay?
     
  3. case121

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    Thanks for your kind reply, Mirko.

    I was not really into `form a connection with somebody and would like to build a circle of support around you` in my previous workplaces. It is more the fact that if someone is not gay, I find it a relief and the tension seems to disappear and never came back, but the next week I could be start wondering about the next guy in the next room. Took me a lot of energy over the years and also avoid `social gatherings`.

    I have not really explored the possibility of being gay or bi over the years, kind of `let it go`, but always felt it was somewhere inside me; I watched some gay porn a few times, but then forget it again, mostly watched straight porn as it arouses me. Had (a lot of) sexual encounters with females over the years, enjoy their bodies(and had good satisfying sex), but still...

    I have been masturbating all my life since the age of 13, the times I thought of guys can be counted on 1 or 2 hands, girls were always my fantasy and sexual experiences with girls from the past, girls I had crushed on at school, university, but can`t it be that I have been in denial and never really let it be part of me? Those kind of thoughts:slight_smile:

    The reason for me thinking being gay or bi sexual are some experiences in my childhood; cuddling with boys which I liked at the age of 10/11, always being shy with girls at that age, although I liked them too. The fact I was sometime called `gay` by others, although I am far from a feminine type. I was always `one of the guys`, drinking, into sports, joking around, easy contacting, but it has always been hard for me to make a pass to a girl in public, I feel more insecure, especially those I like, although I want them. The fear of being rejected brought me a lot of secret crushes towards girls I was into as well. Why I am I so easy `with the guys` and not with the girls?

    Besides girls, I also could be attracted to guys as well when I see them on television, on the street. Sometimes I dream of guys, in a friendship way, not sexual, more `bonding` and also wonder if what I felt for some guys before, was maybe love instead of friendship? I was visiting a good longtime friend some weeks a go and felt when he walked behind me, the wish he would hug me.

    I have been blushing many times when the topic `gay` was on the table and sometimes when a guy looked at me and all these times I can still remember, quite sharply, so think, this is not without a reason. When a guy touched my hand, for example in a shop, when exchanging money, I often felt some typical sensation, which I did not have with women.

    I had long lasting relationships with girls and many, many short ones, have been cheating on girls all my life as I wanted to taste more females...Sometimes slept with 3 girls in 24 hours.
    Within a longer relationship with a girl after a period of time always lost my interest in sex with her, but not with the next girl that was available...I never got married or had kids, which has to do with the fact I lose my sexual interest after a while, could not imagine I could lead a monogamous life and IF I would be gay/bi `at the end` I would have to end up a marriage because of that, which I would not want other people to deal with...

    After thinking of being bi/gay for almost 35 years, sometimes stronger, sometimes in a weaker way and sometimes `not there`, I was thinking: `If this is with me for so long, it can not be NOT true`...It can`t be this has been on my mind for so long without me being gay. It can not be I kind of `suffered` from this over the years, without really being gay or bi sexual.

    Most of my life I have enjoyed sex with women and remember being in bed and thinking `this is the ultimate thing`...I have slept with more than 200 females I assume (and don`t tell you this because I want to brag about it, but to give you a complete picture), and I can not imagine it will never happen again when I would ever be in a gay relationship. I read stories of guys here that say their lust for women disappeared totally after their acceptance of being gay, then I think, well, that could happen to me too? I hope not...but who knows...

    Thinking about being in a gay relationship makes me sometimes think, that all the anxiety will disappear and my life will be peaceful without fears. If I look back at my life in 25 years, i think I would regret if I would have lived `not the real me`, but a surrogate version of myself.

    Thanks for any reply, thought or remark. yeah, Covid-19 made us think even more!

    cheers
     
  4. case121

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    Anyone who would like to comment on my text up here? Much appreciated!:slight_smile: xoxo
     
  5. Spartan 117

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    Hello again,

    Sexuality is a strange thing, and everyone experiences it slightly differently. Ultimately, no-one can tell you how you should feel. It’s something that comes with a lot of patience and self reflection. Unfortunately, sometimes that self-reflection just turns to anxiety when you don’t come up with the answers right away. When that happens I think the best philosophy to have is simply to accept that you feel the way that you feel - if that makes you unique, or not fit into a certain label then so be it.

    As you’re no doubt aware, sexuality is often not as simple as just being “gay” or “straight”, and being bisexual doesn’t mean you like both genders equally - you might strongly prefer one gender over the other, for example.

    What I will say is that I’d be surprised to find a homosexual man who enjoys having sex with women as much as you apparently do! And men of all sexualities wish we could show our emotions with other men, hug them etc. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay or bisexual, I think that’s more of a societal problem!

    I understand that you might feel like if you could come to some dramatic realisation about your sexuality that all of your anxiety will go away. It’s only natural for you to want to understand and it’s healthy to get to know more about your sexuality. However, I don’t think it’s a case of you being so “secretly gay” it’s been a secret from yourself all these years and you need a sudden and dramatic change of lifestyle in order to be happy. It’s often not that simple!

    If I was to hazard a guess, and bear in mind I’m not a trained therapist, I would say the reason you’re so anxious about meeting a gay workmate is because you’ve struggled with these confusing feelings for so long. You don’t want to be reminded of them, especially in your place of work. It sounds like you could probably do with exploring your sexuality a bit more, so that it doesn’t fill you with dread when you think you’ve met gay or bisexual men. I think that if you confront your own feelings on the subject, they’ll be a lot less scary.

    If, at the end of the day, all you can come up with is “I’ve watched gay porn a few times, and thought of guys sometimes, but mostly I’m just interested in dating women.” That statement isn’t unusual, or something to be ashamed of - it doesn’t necessarily mean anything deeper than that.
     
  6. MPC

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    Sounds like you're more in the "curious" camp, which is normal for both gay and straight people. If you prefer women more, such as, attracted to them, like to have sex with them, and as well as form relationships with them, In my opinion, that mean curious. At the end of the day, do you fantasize about having sex with men? Are you more into sex with men? DO you find it difficult to get aroused, or stay aroused with women? From what I gather, no, so no worries, you could be bisexual, or straight. People tend to like taboo stuff, that is probably all it is.

    One way to know for sure, is go out and try it. Doesn't hurt, and don't need to force yourself, you will tell right away, whether you want to or not, I'm sure. I slept with tons of women, but I found it bored me, and I didn't feel that, anticipation?, when it was about to happen, such as I do with men. I am attracted to both, but only sexually to men, therefore, I determined I am gay.

    That said, best of luck, in whatever you choose!
     
  7. case121

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    Thanks for your reply, Spartan. I do need to explore more, for sure. This `stay at home` period has made me simply dig deeper and given me reasons to find out more about myself. You guys are helpful with any remark or thought. Much appreciated!
     
  8. case121

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    Thanks MPC.

    Actually I am not sure `if i prefer women more`, as I never had sex with a guy.

    I do feel sexual attraction and had relationships with women, but my sexual interest dissapears overtime...Getting aroused was never an issue, stay aroused was, especially with women I had a longer relationship with or deeply loved...Therefore, especially in the past years, I prefer one night stands and not living together with a woman I sleep with.

    As soon as a female and I get closer, I feel `pressure` and that effects my performance, lust and eagerness to have sex. with her, especially when being in love...Often I cheated with other women, as they would sexually turn me on immediately. I could `fail in the morning` with my gf and then have 3x satisfying sex the same day with a date...

    `At the end of the day` I never fantasize about having sex with men. It does not come up in my mind, but do wake up sometimes in the morning and realize I had some `bonding` dream with an old school mate, I maybe had a crush on, I realize now.

    Although now stopped for a while, I love to watch straight porn, more the `home made or natural stuff`, realized after reading this forum, that I fully focus on the female and her excitement, that makes me aroused, not thinking wishing I was her and being penetrated by the guy and I do not want hear the guy. So, what is that. Internalized Homo phobia?:slight_smile:
     
  9. Spartan 117

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    Actually, from what it sounds like - it’s just a case that you’re attracted to the woman a lot more. I identify as gay and if I was to watch straight porn all my attention would be on the man! I wouldn’t say that qualifies as Internalised Homophobia.

    The only thing in this thread that does sound a little like Internalised Homophobia is your fear of meeting a colleague that’s gay or bisexual. It is quite common that people who struggle with their sexuality can feel very uneasy and even negative towards people who are open and confident about theirs.

    Regarding performance anxiety with women, I think this is quite common and not reflective of your sexuality per se.

    I think considering how much you’ve enjoyed sleeping with women, and you find them attractive - if sexuality is a spectrum, you sound much more on the “straight” end of it. :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Spartan 117, May 22, 2020
    Last edited: May 22, 2020
  10. case121

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    Thanks Spartan. You identify yourself as gay and I can understand your focus on the man when watching straight porn. In that case I would not say that qualifies as Internalised HETEROphobia:slight_smile:
     
    Spartan 117 likes this.