1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Wife pretended to support me and now wants a divorce

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by NotMyName, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. NotMyName

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So it turns out I was completely wrong about my spouse supporting me. I came out to her as bisexual six months ago, and she took it well. She's acted extremely supportive since then. She even encouraged us to test the waters of an open marriage so that I could explore my attraction to men. That turned out to be a disaster.

    She told me she wants a divorce last week. For the last several years I dealt with severe depression mostly stemming from repressing my self-disgust at not being masculine enough and denying my sexuality, dealing with my pain by being angry all the time. She tells me now that she stopped loving me years ago from dealing with my frequent random angry outbursts, and has just been acting like she did because she thought that was what a wife had to do. Apparently she only encouraged us to experiment with an open marriage because she hoped I leave her for another man. She has told me that even if we could heal the past hurts, we could never have a second chance because she needs someone more masculine. She cannot see herself being married to a bisexual.

    The positive of all this is that it has forced me to be open with family and friends about my sexuality, as well as all the depression I dealt with as a result of it. I'm now out to all my immediate family and most close friends.

    We have to tell our children tonight that we're separating. I'm not quite sure how to also be upfront about my sexuality without making it sound like I was the one who wanted to leave. I don't want them to blame either parent. Since everyone else familiar with the divorce knows, there is no way to keep that part out for later.
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I'm so sorry that this happened, Notmyname. Particularly because you thought things were okay and clearly she was feeling differently. It sounds like the communication from her end continued to be lacking after you finally started communicating and telling her the truth.

    I know that feeling of having the person you're with tell you that they don't want to be with you because of your sexuality. My ex fiancee and I are going through this now. It's a weird place for us because we are being intimate and almost having a nice relationship (though we've broken up and are even both exploring dating other people), but ultimately she says that while I'm perfect for her in every other way, it is me not being straight that she just doesn't want to be with. It occurred to me particularly when she was telling me about a guy she really likes and is considering dating, and the first reason for liking him that she told me was "he's so straight, I have no questions." It's tough, but if she wants to be with a straight guy, she has that right, and that's the one thing I cannot give her or even try to give her. I'm not straight and I never will be. Whether I'm bi or gay doesn't matter, I'm just not straight.

    I definitely see your fear that your kids will think this is your fault because its impossible to not mention your sexuality in it. Maybe try to frame it from the point of view I just did above? You're not choosing to leave your wife because you want to be with men. You just fundamentally don't match up because she desires being with a man who is 100% straight (or close to it as one can be) and you're simply not straight. Nobody did anything wrong here, you just aren't what she says she needs and you can't force yourself to be. It's like if she left you because she wants to be with a man who is over 6 foot tall and you're 5'7. Nothing you can do to fix that. It just is.

    Good luck. In the end, this may prove to be the best thing for you.
     
  3. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,251
    Likes Received:
    1,259
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Notmyname

    I agree with Cameoutswinging. Regardless of your wife's lack of acceptance or her desire to be with someone more masculine, there is nothing that you can do about who you are or you would continue to be depressed and angry.

    Tough place to be in telling your children why. But, would you want your children to believe it is O.K. to hide something so basic as your sexuality from the ones that you love? If my parents would have taught me this as a child, it would have saved me a lot of angst in my life. You have an opportunity to help change the way society behaves about those that are different. Scary; but in some ways it may be fulfilling.

    Best of luck and I am so sorry your wife cannot deal with this.
     
  4. Zen fix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2015
    Messages:
    694
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sorry to hear the sad news. I know it must be especially hard to tell your kids. Maybe for now you and your wife can agree to just tell them that you had some differences that can't be worked out in the relationship. Then leave it at that for now. They don't need all the extra details right now.
     
  5. Adray

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2016
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Illinois, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congratulations on coming out to your family and friends. That is a big accomplishment. I know it was really hard for me.

    I'm sorry your wife feels that way and that you are going through such a hard time. I hope your path leads you to a better life of open honesty and hopefully new and better relationships.

    My kids (9 and 13) were totally unfazed by my bisexuality. It was seriously no big deal to them. My 13 year old has school friends who are lesbian, gay, and transgender. The younger generation accepts LGBT in such a better way than we older folks tend to. Tell them you love them tons no matter what.

    I wish you strength and success in finding a new and better path!
     
  6. NotMyName

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for all the words of support. The kids seemed to take me coming out well, but since they took the separation piece hard it was difficult to tell whether they were upset about that. I'm sure there will be plenty of questions once that think about it for a while.
     
  7. JonSomebody

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,073
    Likes Received:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    First and foremost...I want to say how sorry I feel that you are going through this with your family. However, I want you to look at this situation from your wife's perspective. Let me explain what I am trying to say. From what I've read in your OP...its apparent that you two have been together for awhile as well as the fact that you also have children. What I tend to believe is this...and mind you..this is just what I am assuming from your initial post. I tend to believe that she did not change her mind to be evil or as an act of betrayal. The reason I say this is because you had mentioned that she was supportive when you came out to her as bisexual and then suggested to try an open marriage in order for you to explore your attraction to men.

    However, I tend to believe also that she may have been talking to some family members or some close friends who more than likely gave their opinions on the matter which resulted in her having a change of heart. Also, please consider the fact that you came out to her six months ago which was probably a shock to her which resulted in her going back and forth with her decision to support after being in a marriage for some time with you as well as having a family with you as well.

    In other words...if what I am assuming is true..then more than likely..she probably thought she would be able to handle the situation but after giving things more consideration..she could have changed her mind and just felt the best thing for the both of you is divorce. Again...I do feel bad for you and what you are dealing with but I just wanted you to take a moment and think about what she may be going through as well and what kind of impact your coming out as a bisexual man has effected her. Best wishes to you and I hope everything works out ...JS
     
  8. Lora

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2016
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Geez. Now I'm thinking if my husband would turn out like your wife. Anything is possible.
     
  9. SkyWinter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    82
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry that happened. And Im sorry for the kids too.
     
  10. NotMyName

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    JonSomebody, Thanks for your perspective. I hadn't considered it from that point of view.
     
  11. JonSomebody

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,073
    Likes Received:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You're welcome NotMyName ...but you know what??? That is understandable that you did not see it from that point of view. I'm glad that you shared your story on the forum and I was able to help you see it from another perspective. Best wishes...JS