Why is it so hard to befriend guys?

I’m sorry to butt in again (and, yes, I'm afraid that this is going to be another really long ramble), but I think that we may have come to the crux of the matter. You have touched on quite a few issues, and addressing them all will take a fair amount of time, so please bear with me. I’ve broken this reply down into different segments and tried to make it as reader-friendly as possible, so that you can read it in bite-sized chunks. There's no pressure or rush to read this immediately, of course, and I'm really sorry if I have gotten the wrong end of the stick!

Becoming comfortable with your introversion

You wrote that your introversion "won't attract anyone, which is why I tend to try and put on a sassy/loud act". I think a lot of quiet people, especially those that are naturally intense, tend to be insecure and try to find a release for their problems without trying to resolve what actually drove them to find such a release in the first place. A number of full-blown alcoholics and heavy social drinkers are insecure introverts who are unable to express themselves without booze, for instance. I tried to find a release for my problems by putting on a masc persona - although I acted more like, say, a fresh-faced Mark Radcliffe than Danny Dyer - and I also flirted with a geekier persona as a university fresher because I thought that sort of personality was expected from me.

If you’re trying to find a release for your problems by putting on a loud/sassy persona, then you need to become more at ease with your introversion. Learning to enjoy and be comfortable in your own company will also help you to relax and be yourself around other people. Being introverted has a number of advantages: you are more likely to be low maintenance (this is an especially important trait to have when you’re making friends), loyal, observant, discreet with personal or sensitive information, a good listener (again, this is absolutely imperative when you’re making friends), and a good judge of character and situations. These articles also state the benefits of being a bit dull: https://medium.com/@KarthRajan/7-benefits-of-being-boring-ef8b77a7cecd & https://www.fastcompany.com/3048541/the-upside-of-being-boring

There's nothing wrong with being less animated or outgoing than other people and, while it can make it harder to put yourself out there and make new friends, there are plenty of other guys (whether they are straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or trans) who have been in the exact same position during their formative years. You will be able to meet these guys and befriend them as your life progresses.

School can be a ruthless place (and thus it is generally unpleasant when you’re introverted, gay and based in northern Britain), so it is easy to feel misunderstood and overshadowed, but your current worries (not being able to connect/engage with guys, fearing that you are too boring/quiet etc) are pretty common among teenage boys.

Susan Cain’s Quiet is a really interesting book about introversion that you should find helpful and, if you ever need to anonymously open up to anyone about your fears and insecurities, you can contact The Mix and Switchboard LGBT’s helplines for confidential support. And, while it seems inconsequential, The Simpsons episode Summer Of 4 Ft. 2 is surprisingly relevant to your situation, as it deals with the issues of friendship, introversion, loneliness and personas in a balanced and sensitive manner (the full episode is on YouTube). You may also find this website a useful resource: https://introvertdear.com

Growing into a personality and becoming more at ease with your introversion will get easier with time and experience. Understanding the intricate workings of your personality is not akin to breaking in a new pair of shoes. Comparing ourselves to other people, or trying to define how an unmasculine man should behave and make friends, can also be unhelpful because other people's experiences won't necessarily apply to or work for you. You just need to be yourself and not panic when you don’t get instant results.

The dangers of adopting a persona

Wanting to experiment with different personas during your formative years is pretty common and - while it can initially seem advantageous when it comes to boosting your confidence and making new friends - it is important to be aware of the potential risks.

Using a persona to meet new people is a bit like carp fishing: imagine that you're the angler, your persona is the bait, and any potential acquaintances and friends are the carp. A persona can help to loosen your personality, and thus make you seem more approachable and easy-going. Managing an acquaintanceship or friendship thereon is often conditional on how much you rely on your persona.

People can be pushed into a corner if they become too dependent on a persona. I forced certain things - such as replacing short-sleeved shirts with football shirts to unconsciously assert my masculinity - upon me so much, I still didn't know who I was supposed to be for a long time. It also meant that alpha males could take advantage of my impressionable nature and play me like a piano. Being performative usually means that identity ends up becoming a self-contradictory concept.

Sustaining a persona can be exhausting and other people, especially introverts (who could end up being your kindred spirit), may also find someone's persona exhausting at various times. They may also be wary of someone's persona until they see a more naturalistic side.

Engaging with slightly older male students

You clearly have a strong relationship with a few of your teachers, on the basis that you have already come out to them (seriously, well done for doing that because it takes a lot of courage), so you seem to get on best with people who are slightly older than you. This is absolutely fine, because it demonstrates that you're an independent person who is less likely to be gravitated by disruptive influences and shallow people.

The main reason why you’re struggling to connect with your male peers is because they haven’t learned how to periodically switch the conversation to topics other than football and gaming, rather than because they are primarily interested in things that you dislike (although the latter has contributed to your antipathy). I can understand why your male peers are a bit on the laddish side – after all, most 17-year-old guys tend to be immature, impressionable and insular – and it is also understandable why you want to engage with people who can provide more challenging and robust interactions.

Like most introverts, you seem keen to cultivate meaningful connections with other people and, as a result, you are likely to favour the quality of your friendships over the quantity. After all, most people tend to develop no more than five or six close friendships during the course of their life (although most people also form several casual and friendly acquaintanceships with people from all walks of life). This is probably why you seem to filter out potential associations from your radar, but you should grow out of this as you get older.

Building connections with other guys will get easier when you leave school, though. In the workplace, most guys tend to drop their male bravado, on the basis that it looks really unprofessional in an office environment, while there are plenty of opportunities to meet older male students at university. You can share a flat or house with them once you have left halls, while contributing to the student magazine/newspaper, joining societies and signing up to volunteering opportunities will enable you to meet other students with similar interests and/or personalities.

Experimenting with activities and interests, rather than different personalities

And, naturally, if you are seeking connections and interactions that aren’t superficial, you are more likely to get bored by those who are glib. You are disinterested in laddish guys who can’t talk about anything other than football and video games, for instance, while interactions with female students become less enjoyable when the novelty of putting on a loud/sassy persona starts to outstay its welcome.

There is a likelihood that you are more curious about people who have a diverse mix of interests. And, if you haven't got enough freedom or independence to meet the right people, you can’t be expected to take a genuine interest in other people (which is the trick to making friends). Therefore, until you are in a position where you can meet like-minded people, I'd urge you to devote more attention to solitary activities.

Here’s a long-winded story. I had a pretty difficult time at comprehensive school: I was repeatedly called gay and queer, usually by those who were obsessed with action films and video games, and they also frequently kicked me in the nether regions and shins. And this was all because I was introverted and studious, in addition to the fact that I read books in my spare time and played the classical guitar. I was essentially an early 2000s hybrid of Todd Anderson from Dead Poets Society and Adrian Mole.

This ensured that I couldn’t even bear going on a sixth form outward bound residential and to any school proms because the thought of spending time with other students made me so nervous. Like you, I got on better with some of my teachers. One sixth form tutor was kind to me - she liked that I tended to wear chinos and short-sleeved shirts, rather than jeans and T-shirts - while another teacher expressed concern that I was experiencing a crisis of confidence and assured me that I would come out of my shell once I started university. The day before I moved away to university, I sat on my bed and thought to myself: “How am I going to make friends? I’m so boring, I don’t even know how to relax and be myself. Who am I even meant to be?”

I was so quiet and shy, I practically lived on Nutri-Grain bars, crisp sandwiches, fruit, ready meals, beans on toast, Cornish pasties and tins of soup during my first year at university because I couldn’t bear the prospect of spending more than five minutes in the communal kitchen. It didn't help that my interests and reference points at this point were still quite narrow, so conversations with other students were usually banal and negligible. My taste in film and music, for instance, was relatively obvious, and thus it was difficult for me to hold my own when talking to someone who was more informed about those things.

During the second term of my first year, it seemed like I did little else but hide in my dorm room, play Pro Evolution Soccer 2 and Virtua Tennis 2 on my PS2, read books, study excessively and watch Futurama box sets. I was doing other things that eventually helped to broaden my reference points and burgeon any casual interests, though. I occasionally watched foreign-language films at the cinema after reading glowing reviews in broadsheet newspapers (I was too insecure to do this when I was aged 16). I bought Teenage Fanclub’s Grand Prix and XTC’s English Settlement on CD because a reference book waxed lyrical about them (I was too insular to do this when I was aged 16), while I started reading the New Statesman in the university library because it was recommended in a module booklet (I was unaware of its existence when I was aged 16). It seems trivial, but this had a snowball effect and eventually gave me the ability to have enthusiastic two-way conversations.

Being able to articulate what you want or desire to do is a lifelong process and does not come fully formed, so you may want to build the required self-confidence to start experimenting with ideas and interests that you like the sound of. There is no eureka moment when it comes to finding a new passion, but gradually discovering a series of small interests and continually trying new activities can really help.

If you enjoy studying geography at school, for instance, you can learn more about other countries and cultures without travelling, whether that’s via arts and crafts, books, broadsheet newspapers, magazines, modern languages, television or world cinema. Alternatively, if you enjoy The Great British Bake Off or MasterChef, you could develop a keener interest in baking and cooking. It doesn't have to be anything major; just something simple to start the ball rolling.

Those who get the right balance of arcane and popular interests are usually regarded as engaging and interesting people, rather than pretentious or shallow. I rarely make the first move when it comes to making new acquaintances and friends, but becoming more engaged with and open-minded about new ideas slowly helped me to take a genuine interest in other people. Being receptive to new experiences and suggestions is often a simple but effective way to grow into a personality and know who you really are.