Why is it so hard to befriend guys?

Maybe try to befriend the less stereotypical guys? They are there.

Okay, so you know what you dislike doing (stereotypical male interests), but what do you like to do? It's easier to make friends if you share some passions or smaller common interests.

 

I've managed to make some surprising friendships with other men who I don't even have much in common with. They are bored of other men trying to one up each other all the time and trying hard to prove how macho they are. They find it refreshing to be around guys who are laid back and honest.

So if you're putting on an "act" to be friends with these girls, then it won't work with the guys. The guys who are worth pursuing friendships with are the ones who respect you for being who you are, not for acting how other people think you should. Sometimes its worth letting yourself be a bit emotionally vulnerable in front of other guys.

I still do struggle to befriend other gay men, but my straight male friends take me as I am. They like me because I have the guts to be myself in front of them.

 

I am sure you can find straight or gay guys with the same interests as long as you put yourself out there. Gender stereotypes are overrated and tiring in my opinion.

 

I have a few guy friends one that I have known since elementary school, one that works the same job I do, and one that I hang out with when I’m in their town. Met at a gay bar and became friends.

Most of my friends are women, for me, talking to women, being friends with women, is easier. I don’t put on an act, I am me. We talk about everything and they understand when I voice how I want a guy to pursue me, make the first move, date me, make me feel pretty and wanted. When I talk about those things with my guys friends is a one sided convo.

I get wanting to have guy friends, but if you have any friends that you can be yourself around, without judgement, I say that’s a win.

 

Throughout middle school, high college and college I hung out more with girls than guys. In school most of the guys talked about sports, cars, wrestling (It's was WWF back then) and about hot girls. Since neither of those things interested me I hardly spent time with them. I bonded with girls instead especially since I shared interests.

It took me a long time to realize that I needed to find some common stuff to talk about and make some guy friends since it was awkward. I grew up in India where even in the most modern and liberal schools (where co-education was encouraged) girls and guys were automatically segregated.

In hindsight since I had multiple crushes on guys in school and college I think I just felt more comfortable around girls since my feelings for any girl was purely friendly and not romantic. It felt safe.

 

I agree with that, it’s eadier with girls because I don’t want romance with them. When I talk to guys I tend to get tongue tied or I get quiet.

 

"Birds of a feather flock together." Get out there, pursue your interests and connect with the guys doing the same. Don't be picky and overly selective. Remind yourself that you are doing this to make friends and just friends. You are not looking for the perfect man here. Just a friend.

Also, a good friend might be a different color, a different age group, a different faith, speak with an accent, etc. are you subconsciously filtering people out?

 

Men are goal-oriented creatures, we like to feel like we're accomplishing something even while socializing. Most girls like to just talk to each other for the sake of talking or go shopping etc. so they tend to befriend others that don't do much except talk to them and socialize.

Guys on the other hand want to do stuff. If all you do is talk to a guy he'll get bored of you very quickly. You need to find common interests and physically go do things together for a friendship to form. Go to his house to play video games, play sports together, see a movie, go to a bar/nightclub/party, be workout buddies at the gym, find some weirdly obscure thing you both want to do like taking sailing lessons together etc.

Also guys make friends easier in groups. Once you have one guy friend, you'll get like 3 more as soon as you meet his friends and they'll accept you way faster than normal just because you came with a member of their group.

 

not trying to be rude or sound sexist, but i just feel like it is easier to connect with women on a emotional level than men. men can make awesome friends dont get me wrong, but i feel like connecting with women is so much more easy. i have had both over the years, definitely more female friends than male but thats just because i just seem to 'click' with them more naturally. i wouldnt consider myself a emotional person, but having someone you can connect with emotionally can really build a strong friendship - if that makes sense. as someone mentioned above, men often want more 'active' friendship, where you do a lot of things. for me i prefer having a friend that you can just talk to for hours and have fun just like that. (but also do stuff.) i am sure many men are perfectly capable of all this, but i find more commonly its more natural with women.

 

Do you talk to guys about the stuff they are into? Even if its a subject you're not interested in, you could just ask them how they discovered their interest in it. Guys love being given the opportunity to talk about themselves. Just make sure you pay attention. Guys don't like it when their discussion falls on deaf ears. If you want to become better at making friends, then you can't make it about yourself all the time, you need to listen and absorb the information that people are giving you.

 

Your interests are your interests and if your interests and personality match better with females as to developing friendships with them then that is just what it is. It does not say anything wrong about you or what NiceDave seems to be implying that we don't try hard enough. Not all of us are lucky enough to even find straight guys who are even willing to give us a chance at being friends.

 

If I had to give one piece of advise about befriending straight guys, and I assume we're talking about straight guys, it would be to be completely genuine. In my experience there are few things straight guys respect more because I think on some level most of them feel they're not allowed to be completely genuine. As an out gay man you're already right out there with something most straight guys know they wouldn't have the balls to be out there with and frankly most of them spend a fair amount of mental energy trying to keep people from even thinking that about them--and here you are just owning it, matter of fact as can be. In my experience straight guys admire that and you can pretty easily be the straight shooter in the group so to speak. If my female friends and gay male friends had to pick the thing they like about me I think a lot of them would describe me as caring, compassionate etc. If my straight male friends were to describe what they admired/liked about me most I think an oddly common one would be to say that I don't give f@&% what anyone thinks and they would mean it as every bit the compliment as the others. I haven't pretended to have any interest in sports in 25 years, hasn't hurt me a bit...

 

Hi, Joe! I’ve found this thread very interesting, largely because I have built stronger friendships with men, rather than women, over the years. (I’m on friendly terms with a few women, but these friendships have been built on mutual respect more than anything else. I can also be quite masculine and, because I have a tendency to unconsciously downplay the side of me that’s fairly cultured and refined, I usually make an unfavourable first impression. I also have dyspraxia, which significantly complicates social exchanges and interaction.)

And, as previously mentioned, male friendships tend to be formed by common interests (so, for me, that’s film, music, sport and/or technology with most male friends, as well as current affairs, literature, the media and/or writing with a few male friends). Most guys (including myself) are pretty sensitive behind their male bravado but, in the majority of cases, you will only get to see their more vulnerable side after spending a considerable amount of time with them. And, even then, some will still refuse to open up due to toxic masculinity and one-upmanship, hence why male mental health has become such a big talking point in the UK media.

I think the key to making male friendships work is to take an interest in other people by being as flexible and open-minded as possible. Every now and again, I’ve been convinced to see a film that I know I’ll hate and, similarly, there have been other occasions where I’ve been dragged to a curry house or sushi restaurant when I’d prefer some Mexican food or a pizza. Being laid-back and passive, rather than assertive and uptight, can often be advantageous when it comes to making male friends, especially if you’re introverted.

Building and maintaining a solid friendship, rather than a casual and polite acquaintanceship, occasionally involves doing things that I don’t want to do or I’m not in the mood for. Some of my friendships can seem a little one-sided and some male friends aren’t robust conversationalists (I’m not the most natural conversationalist, either) but, because I really enjoy their company, I’ve learned to take the rough with the smooth, especially as I didn’t have many friends at school and university.

It’s also easier to develop friendships with other men if you seek out those who are, well, interested in other people, as well as flexible and open-minded. I find those who self-describe themselves as “geeky” or “nerdy” wearying, largely because I have absolutely no interest in comic books and sci-fi, so it’s difficult for me to tolerate those kind of people if they’re reluctant to periodically switch the conversation to other topics, such as literature and music. I’m partial to playing the occasional video game, but I’m not particularly willing to discuss the merits of Gran Turismo or Metal Gear Solid for an entire evening. I’ve never been in a position where I can be overly picky, but a proper friendship needs to have light and shade.

I know that sport, especially association football, borders on a national obsession, but you can still form an acquaintanceship or friendship with a hopeless football obsessive if a) they have a keen interest in other things and b) you’re able to overlook their quirks (and vice versa, of course). And, by putting yourself out there and being as amiable as possible, you will gradually see if those people have a keen interest in things that aren't football/video games and are happy to talk about them at length. Identifying a suitable cut-off point (i.e. I’m willing to compromise with this person, but I know what my limits are) will come more naturally with time and experience.

There’s no pressure or rush to develop male friendships, though, and I think that you’re being a bit hard on yourself, especially when you're only 17-years-old. Sixth form college isn’t a particularly easy place to make friends: your peers can be very insular, on the basis that they have little real life experience, and male students can be eager to assert their masculinity and mark their territory when they’re at such an impressionable age.

It could get easier when you’re at university because a) there’s a larger friendship pool, b) like me, you may find it easier to bond with slightly older male students and c) there are more opportunities to put yourself out by getting involved with organised activities, such as student journalism. And, likewise, you may find it easier to bond with other men when you start full-time employment.

On a side note, having a female-dominated social circle can be advantageous once you’ve reached, say, your mid-to-late 20s. I’m generalising, of course, but British men are notorious for being hopeless at maintaining their friendships and social circles when they enter a serious relationship. Women rarely go all-out nuclear, and thus get the balance right and don’t allow themselves to get isolated from acquaintances and friends. (I’m sorry for rambling on a lot, btw, but I hope that this has helped!)

 

And, before I forget, it’s imperative that you don’t change who you are when trying to befriend other people (and I’m referring to both genders, here).

When I was aged about 20-ish, I started to exaggerate my more masculine traits to such a ridiculous degree. This wasn’t a completely awful thing: it helped me to relax and loosen up my buttoned-up personality (I was pretty aloof and uptight when I was aged about 18-ish) and, as a result, I became a more approachable and less misanthropic person. I gradually befriended some really nice guys – yes, they really liked cricket and football but, as I got to know them better, I discovered that they also enjoyed things like arthouse films, cookery and technology - but I also befriended some really insular guys who were openly homophobic. I even rented a flat with someone who once told me: “I don’t know what I'd do if I ever met a gay person."

I eventually lost touch with that friend and, while I never truly degraded myself in front of other people, I’m still ashamed of myself for behaving in a manner that was a little too boorish and laddish. And, like I mentioned earlier, this meant that I had a tendency to create a bad first impression in front of certain people and, as a result, it took them a while before they completely warmed to me and realised that I had a softer side. I gradually realised that I’m most comfortable being pretty much anything but an alpha male, so I now try to present myself in a more naturalistic manner (i.e. sometimes I can be active and outdoorsy, sometimes I can be cultured and sophisticated, and sometimes I can intense and introverted).

Women who want you to up the sass, just so that they can be a fag hag, are just as toxic as the men who want you to up any male bravado so that you can be one of the lads. You should be as friendly and open-minded as possible, when it comes to making new friends, but it’s also really important that you resist the urge to be performative. Most friendships involve a certain amount of give and take (it’s easier to let the small things slide, rather than needlessly bicker about what restaurant to visit or what film to see at the cinema), but never try to be someone or do something that you’re uncomfortable with. I promise that I’ll stop writing now.