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Why is it easier to befriend girls than guys?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Joe2001, Mar 22, 2020.

  1. Joe2001

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    If I had a pound for every time I complained about lack of friends, I would be a millionaire but here we are.

    With everything going on, I've had time to reflect on this most recent semester and a conclusion that I made was that I'm having a much easier time befriending girls at uni than the guys.

    I made a thread back in January at the start of the semester about how my classes for that semester were almost all girls and I was unhappy about that. In hindsight, I do think I went into this most recent semester with a pessimistic attitude, that was fairly evident from the tone of my posts. Had some difficulties at the beginning but I settled fairly well a few weeks in and I got along well with the girls. Same thing happened in my last year of high school.

    I've posted extensively about issues making friends for a while, and it's particularly been a problem with other guys, there always seems to be a disconnect. Some of them are pleasant but a bit awkward around me and others just aren't particularly friendly. Never had any problems with the girls (although I would fear the idea of being the GBF!).

    This semester, there was one guy in French class. From our interactions, he seemed a bit disinterested and made a few comments that seemed critical of me. We got paired together for a group project and he didn't want to meet nor did he initiate any emails so I knew nothing about what he was doing until the day of the presentation. Before class, I noticed that he was always staring blankly at me from across the hallway. The girls on the other hand were always nice to me and engaging in conversation. When chatting with someone online, he thought that this guy was actually secretly gay, wonder if there was an element of truth to that hence his odd behaviour around me.

    Also worked with some guys on a group project in December and whilst they were friendly enough and willing to work with me, they clearly got on with each other better than I did. They got each other and had similar personalities whereas I didn't really vibe as much with them.

    I'm not your typical "bro" type (some of them just act a bit too boorish for me) and don't have interests in football or that sort of thing but I'm not the most feminine guy in the world either, hardly the GBF that wants to go shopping every weekend.

    Anyone else experienced this? How on earth can I befriend guys? Can they sense that I'm gay and don't like that? The girls just seem easier to befriend but I don't want to be that guy with only female friends.
     
    #1 Joe2001, Mar 22, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
  2. gravechild

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    It isn't :/ Totally possible they sense "something", since opposite sex interest is something many straight folk take for granted and bond over. Otherwise, men tend to put a lot of stock into shared experience, so being a part of a team (not necessarily sports) would go a long ways.

    Do none of your "girlfriends" have any male friends? Siblings? Guy from class seems to be dealing with his own personal issues. If you're used to only/mostly socializing with women, I could see how it would be awkward to adjust to making friends with guys. Ditto if you find yourself falling for male potential friends.

    You could try changing your personality and becoming interested in football, or stay true to yourself and find similar minds. One would be "easier" but not worth it in the long run
     
  3. Joe2001

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    Well, I've always embraced being different, I've never hid my true personality to fit in. Whilst it may have cost some "friends" (albeit probably not genuine), I don't see the point in not being yourself.

    As for me being used to socialising with women, I don't have any brothers (one sister) and out of 7 cousins, only one is male who lives 100 miles away and barely ever socialises at family gatherings (always intensely focused on his DS or whatever young teens play on these days, I'm old!), I don't think we've ever actually conversed. So yeah, my socialising has mostly been women and maybe I just don't get other guys. Who knows? I was friendly with some guys at school but in the last couple of years, there was a real lack of connect/chemistry whereas I had plenty with the girls.

    No idea about whether or not they have male friends or siblings, we're not that close but I did feel much more of a spark with them.
     
    #3 Joe2001, Mar 22, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
  4. Destin

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    I have 95% male friends, and friendships with girls have never really been my thing. Someone else asked me about this in real life, and after thinking about it for a while the main thing I came up with was confrontation. It's such a natural thing for groups of guys that most forget it exists, but confrontation is the glue in nearly all male friendships I've seen. Girls seem to hate confrontation and just want to coexist. Guys like one-upping each other and calling BS on their friends stories, bragging about their achievements etc.

    Sports and teams provide that baseline confrontation and competition which is why guys bond so well over it. Whether it's which team will win the superbowl, who can take the most shots before passing out, who's the funniest, who gets laid the most, who scores the most points in a video game, guys just like conflict and confrontation.

    Being too passive and non-confrontational might be putting them off a little bit. It doesn't have to be rude confrontation, just a bit of assertion of yourself, even academic assertion in a college environment. I know a lot of guys who see friendships as a competition. If they think they're already better at everything than you they don't engage in a friendship because they feel like there's nothing to learn from it so what's the point.
     
  5. Joe2001

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    Interesting points actually, I've never thought of that but you're right that it is the kind of glue in many of these friendships. Almost as a form of "banter". Never appealed to me, I hate confrontation with a passion.
     
  6. Mihael

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    I think Destin is right. I don’t know about other guys but I absolutely love that kind of competition.

    I actually find it easier to socialise with men. *scratches head* I don’t get the chit chat that is going on between between women or maybe it bores me.
     
  7. Joe2001

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    Maybe it's a case of men being more likely to be rough whereas women are more in touch with their emotions? I don't know for sure, just throwing out a guess.

    The whole competition aspect isn't for me. Is it a 'must' in male friendships?
     
  8. Destin

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    In my experience, yeah kind of. It's so deeply rooted in our genetics that we're supposed to go "hunt" and whatnot that competition with each other has become the modern day equivalent of hunting the biggest animal to bring home and eat with all the other cavepeople.

    You'd have to find others like you who don't like the competition.
     
    #8 Destin, Mar 25, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
  9. Tightrope

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    I'm of the frame of mind that it's better to have more male friends than female friends if you're male. I have male friends, but I wish the proportion was higher. I'm envious of your 95%. If you don't get into the "bro" stuff, a lot of them lose interest in being friends quickly. That takes quite a few guys out of the pool. The male friends I've had can talk about many things. The pool is smaller but they still range from married men with children to single gay men and everything in between. I have been very assertive in work and school settings. That doesn't seem to matter to some when it then comes down to not delivering on the "bro" stuff.

    The reason it's easy to befriend women is because they can talk about many things. You can still talk to them and not manage to talk about sports - or their girly things. You tell them to stop and they do. Women you're not attracted to are very easy to talk to. Women you may be or have been attracted to are not as easy to talk to. A lot of times they are not as available for people to befriend because they set their sights very high on who to give their time to. They might not be better people, but they see themselves as more privileged.

    I've also watched the reaction of women to gay men. Most women don't scoff at them or joke about them. But when I've seen it, it's the hotter straight ones. The ones who don't have as good of a hand to play don't seem to do that. There seem to be a lot of friendships between men who would be considered sexual minorities and women who aren't considered that hot. When I think about it, I've seen it a lot.
     
    #9 Tightrope, Mar 25, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
  10. Destin

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    My experience with female friends has been almost the opposite of yours. I tried to have 50/50 male and female friends, and I couldn't. nearly every female friend I've ever had either wanted to date/bang me, or expected me to want to date/bang her. When that never ended up happening, the friendship would get weird and die. All they would ever talk about were the stereotypical things like shopping, bashing other girls behind their backs, and hot guys. I don't think I've ever had a female friendship that lasted longer than a year. When I came out as gay, nearly every female acquaintance I knew immediately started wanting to do gay best friend stuff with me, which I did for a while to see how it went, but when I realized that's all they cared about and stopped nearly all of them stopped wanting to hang out too.
    Also, lesbians hate me. I honestly don't know why, but every time I've run into lesbians in our local LGBT bar (not often) I get the stare of death from them.
     
  11. Mihael

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    It’s more like a statistical rule... 80% of guys like it. For sure you can find other guys like you, it’s just more rare and you might spend more time on it. I would recommend looking for people with whom you have similar interests with, it works very well for me.

    I think that those “hot” women just make it a priority to be attractive or better than others rather than it results from attractiveness...

    With the joking about the gay men, I think it’s not outside a lot of men’s usual repertoire of rude jokes. That doesn’t have to be homophobia, but more like “whose ugly face do I see again?” as a greeting... It might not be meant as mockery, but something friendly. Tbh I have experienced distance from women when I came out as bisexual, when it comes to the scoffing at the gays. I can’t get any closer to men, though. It seems to be an obstacle if you have (attractive) feminine features and body. Even if you’re not into those male friends.
     
  12. Jedidro

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    I had a dream while standing in a circle of mostly men this woman says to me my name, you might like that in reference to being around women. I like women as friends. I would rather sit around speaking with a group of women than men in most cases but that’s not really up to me and I’m not trying to actively befriend women. Plus I’m still a dude.
     
  13. Canterpiece

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    I find that on average my friendship group tends to be about 50 / 50 and every so often it shifts to one side or the other but usually balances out again.

    My group is in a near constant flux as people come in and out of my life. I've noticed that my friendship group has started to become less straight on the whole. Most of my friends are bisexual or pansexual. I've had some issues with my male friendships before; including their parents wanting to know why I'm not dating their child, and people assuming that we are dating. However, for the most part I usually don't have any issues. I get on with guys and girls equally. Currently, it's swaying to the female side. I don't know what it will be in the future.
     
  14. OGS

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    I'd say I'm about 80/20 in favor of men. When I was younger it was probably 50/50, and before I came out it may have even skewed towards women, but not for a long time.
     
  15. Mihael

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    Why do you think it changed?
     
  16. OGS

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    I think as a closeted person there was this fundamental lack of ease around other men. As I became more confident in myself as a gay man that pretty much evaporated. I think this is probably the more natural way it would have been if not for the closet.
     
  17. Loves books

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    I’m a lesbian and I always found it easier to befriend boys. Even from a super young age. My best friend was male and the other kid we started hanging around with was also a boy. The friendship ended when my best friend moved away and the other boy moved to Ireland. A year or so later so did my family. The school lost several kids a year due to a larger number of parents moving back to Ireland. I spent the last 6 years of my schooling in an all girls school. I had no friends and shared zero interests with the other girls. Once a year I go on a camp for people with muscular conditions and I always find it easier to get on with the boys. I love superhero movies and that tends to be a subject most boys know a lot about. I spent one camp spending all day talking to the same boy. A couple months later I was told he died the year after two more had died. I need to stop making friends with boys who’s average life expectancy is 25. My sister however had a ton of female friends headed to college the other side of Ireland a month or two after she turned 17 and came home talking about all her new male friends and all of them were gay. After a few months of constant talk about the gay guys I asked was she friends with any straight men.
     
    #17 Loves books, Apr 9, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2020
  18. AJ56

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    @Joe2001
    I understand where you are coming from. I have slightly more women friends than men. If I were to put it as a percentage, I would say my friends are like 60% women, 40% men

    I think, for me at least, it's because I find it easier to talk about my emotions than most other guys. Generally speaking, women tend to be more in touch with their feelings than men. That's not to say those men don't have feelings, of course. It's just that most men aren't comfortable talking about them. I have no problem with it though.
     
  19. TheodoreAC

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    For some explanation. I have 2 different places I make friends. School and Temple. (I am Buddhist, It is not actual temple but that is a different explanation for a different time.)
    My class mates are mostly boys. I say maybe 80& - 90% boys. There is a reason for this but I do not care to explain.
    Most of my classmates are boys but I am only friends with one boy, two girls and two people who are in between, not boy or girl. There is another person I know but I do not think we are good friends for each other and we do not talk so I say we are not friends right now.
    Temple there is many many women. Not many men who speak English so I cannot talk to them, but many women speaking English. I know onlu one boy my age at temple, it is sad and I do not like football. Only sport I do not like at all other than swimming. Of course he has to love football so we are never friends. Others I am friends with. There are 5 women I am friends with and no men.
    That does not mean I do not talk to any of the men at temple. But they are more like father's to me than friends.
    Sometimes I meet men who are not like fathers to me, but they usually do not talk to me. Too busy with their girlfriends or wives to make friends with teenagers. So I befriend their wives instead. It is little funny
    Majority of my friends are women but I spend most of my time around men and am a boy myself. It is even more funny.
    I do like to talk to boys my age but many times they are mean to me and call me names. I do like some sports but I am bad at them and my class mates do not like sports so I am too scared to join school sports team to try and make friends.
    So I have many women friends, two girls friends, two in-between friends and one friend who is boy.
     
  20. TheodoreAC

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    Sorry I forgot to finish what I was going to say I just submitted it.
    What I am saying is that it is different for everyone. I talk to many girls and boys in my grade are very mean to me or they are the ones who smoke at lunch time, I do not want to be friends with the smokers because they are breaking the law, even if they are not mean to me.
    At school for me it is easier to talk to girls because they will not call me the F word and they do not smoke during lunch unlike the boys.
    At temple, everyone is very nice but not many men speak English and live in same city as me (I go to temple for county not city) so I do not try and be friends. Everyone has different situation and people from both genders can be different too in way they are as friends. I hope this helps a little but I do not think so.