I’m terrified of coming out, and I don’t know why. I know who I would tell first, and I’m 100% positive that they would be accepting and supportive. Most people I know probably suspect the truth anyways. I live in a very liberal area of America as well and work in a very liberal-leaning profession – I see pride signs all the time around at work. I’m very confident that I wouldn’t have any issues with my general community. But the thought of coming out is just terrifying. I keep playing out the whole process playing out in my head: I find a moment when the person is alone and we aren’t likely to be interrupted. I tell them that I need to tell them something, and my voice is already shriveling, unstable. I’m shaking, flushed, an nauseous. It makes me want to vomit. I can’t get the words out. I start crying and breaking down, until eventually some words come out. Then the person doesn’t really know how to respond. I grimace and bawl, collapse into a ball and hide under a table until they leave. This might seem exaggerated, I wouldn’t be surprised if it actually turns out this bad. I was shaking and crying the first time I posted on this forum because my anxiety about coming out anonymously to an online forum was that intense. Just the thought of coming out has on several occasions literally made me nauseous or brought me to tears. I know people here always say to take your time with these things, but I feel like staying in the closet like this is really holding me back; I want to deal with these things sooner rather than later. But why is this so hard?
Because once you tell another person, you’ve let the genie out of the bottle. You can’t easily take it back. Up until you tell someone, you can mentally say “never mind” and no one would be the wiser. Plus, telling someone is kind of the first step to life change. Plus, you’re admitting there’s this part of you that isn’t what you thought it was. It’s hard. But...telling someone is the best thing I ever did. It put me on a path to doing something about it. But it was still daunting (even though I knew the first few people I told would be accepting). Hell, a week after I came out to myself, I had trouble saying the words to a lesbian. It’s just hard at first. It got a little easier each time though. Granted I haven’t faced the people I know won’t be accepting yet.
Take your time....I haven't told too many people either (though I'm sure a few of my friends know and keep making pointed statements to me!) but at the beginning I was like you as well- terrified to even tell a soul. The first thing I did when I realized I had a crush on a friend of mine was try to tell a counselor- someone I didn't even know! I cancelled that appointment three times before I finally went in. Then I sat down on her couch and just burst into tears. And then I told her that I had a crush on a friend of mine (female crush). I can understand where you're coming from. Don't rush. There's no rush. I am at the point now where I've accepted it within myself, and I say to myself a few times a day "hey, I'm a little bit gay!" and I actually feel HAPPY about it (I no longer have to go through the pretense of dating guys I don't really like!) and so relieved, I can finally acknowledge all the feelings I've had my whole life. And maybe date girls (when I'm ready!) It's EXCITING! So don't fret....just take your time...you'll get there....one day...
I relate to this 100%. Both my girlfriend and I are not fully “out” and even though we have loving parents we are both terrified to deal with this. It’s because being gay comes with a lot of things you have to deal with that range from annoying to just plain terrible. People can be rude, cutting, hateful, awkward, shocked, and you never can predict exactly how someone will take the news. And that’s scary. Even though we both know we won’t get anger from our families we know it’s just going to be really awkward at first for both of us, (for me personally because I have a straight history). It’s still hard to be gay because people still make it a big deal even though it shouldn’t be and sometimes it can just be obnoxious to have it draw so much attention. One day I would like to be able to just hold my girlfriend’s hand in the grocery store you know? But realistically I have to face the fact that that might not be so simple and that I will have to put up with staring and possibly some derogatory comments just for living my life. So for me the fear is less about acceptance from my family and more about how to cope with being perceived differently by others once I fully come out.
Thanks all. I think there's a lot of truth in all these responses. I can't help but feeling that by waiting and waiting I'm making life much more difficult for myself. I'm losing out on time that could be spent making relationships, and there are queer events around me that I'm too scared to go to, but that won't exist forever. But to be honest just talking about these things feels like it helps immensely. So thanks again.
I can relate because I haven't come out yet. I'm still trying to understand this part of myself that I didn't know or understand or have kept hidden from myself. For me, a large part of the fear is revealing something new about myself that may change how people see me and relate to me. Even the fact that I've kept a big secret will inform how people see me. Since we work so hard to build a persona - even if there isn't anything as big as being gay underneath it - having that torn away is unnerving. I'm trying to make a plan about how to do this. I'm thinking of messaging someone I know who came out publicly as bi a year ago and coming out to her and asking about her experience - what went right and what could've been better. I don't think I could find a safer place to start because no one could be more sympathetic. I'm sure I'll have some false starts before I break that seal. I will say that posting on this site has been a huge relief and a good start. I hope yours goes well. I'm sure it will be much better than you fear. This is an incredibly hard and courageous thing we are working towards doing. Let us know how it goes.
I think there have already been some great responses here. As was already touched on, it's hard to know exactly how people are going to take it. Even if you know them really well. This is a big one for me. I've been terrified of people's reactions. It's that fear of rejection that kept me in the closet about my orientation, and more recently, my gender. I haven't faced a lot of people still. Including one of my best friends who I think deserves to know I'm trans, but I can't bring myself to tell her because I know her family can be a little strange about LGBTQ+ people. I know she'll probably accept me without any issue but there will always be the niggling doubt. Years ago I had a guy I dated briefly say he didn't believe me about my sexuality (I identified as bisexual at the time). Belief of the other party is so central and necessary to coming out. I am also of the opinion that many people are conditioned from a young age to think that these things are still somehow wrong. Of course attitudes will vary across the world but this is my experience living in the U.S. While we have come a long way in the last few decades, there is still so much farther to go. I grew up in an open, accepting household and liberal-leaning city on the front-range of Colorado. Yet, I still ended up with some internalized homophobia and transphobia which I had to get past in order to accept myself and before I could come out. It caused me great amounts of anxiety like you describe. Talking about it was the right choice for me. It relieved a huge amount of stress and anxiety and has opened up the path I see in front of me now. It was really, really hard. I don't regret it one bit though. It is exciting to be considering transitioning and be finding myself after years of discomfort. I think it can take a lot of courage to come out. But I think when you do, it will likely take a weight off of you and relieve some of that worry.
Coming out for the first time isn't easy. I'd recommend that you read a thread I posted a few minutes ago because I share my experience with coming out for the first time. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/i-did-it.479017/#post-6664456 I felt just like you. I was terrified and had also tried to predict how it would go when I finally tried to do it. That might help, but can also boost your anxiety instead of making you gather the courage to do it. Of course you can make plans, but for me those were pointless. When the time came it just happened. It wasn't easy, and I probably had never felt so nervous in my life, but it was worth it. I took the first step, and that's so rewarding. So if you, like me, know that people will be accepting, go for it. You don't have to rush, but the longer you wait the harder it gets. I wish you best of luck!
