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Why has the dating scene changed? (Maybe?)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Revan, Feb 10, 2019.

  1. Revan

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    So I get this sort of topic may have been discussed before and may come off as me being "woe is me" but hopefully not. But here's my issue:

    I'm just wondering why the dating scene has changed. I've been single since 2012 and I've had a few dates here and there, but only when I moved to my current city have I started getting back in the game. I'm 30 and just starting to want to settle down, but since I started it's become a guessing game of what guys even want. If someone isn't interested, that's fine to me. But past couple guys I've gone out with I've felt lead on by them. Pretty much the situation has been that I've met them in person and thought things went well, or even if it maybe didn't go perfectly, I'm still interested in chatting and seeing what happens next. And then one of two things happen:

    1. I'll continue chatting with the guy, just every day conversation, sometimes a bit of small talk and then after three days (not two, not four, always three oddly) they'll tell me they didn't feel a spark without my prompting OR I'll ask them if they'd like to hang again and they'll say the same thing and that they just don't want to lead me on.

    or 2. I'll continue chatting but get nothing but one or two words answers "good", "doing well", "ok", or nothing at all and after the first day of silence I'm just like k whatever. But then on day three again I'll get a "just don't feel a spark but don't want to lead you on."

    I make this thread cause I just don't understand when common courtesy flew out the window? If I'm not interested in a guy, I will either tell them end of date, or later in the evening. Or if I really need to think about it, will let them know the next day. I get people need time to think and process, but why does it take someone three days? I feel like you either do or don't know and keeping someone waiting that long or chatting with them as if nothing's wrong feels like you are indeed leading them on.

    I'm still dating and chatting with new guys, but this has no joke happened for each of the five guys I've gone on dates with in the past five months and I'm left kind of wondering...is this how dating is now?

    Sorry to come off bitter...just wasn't expecting this when I returned fully to the dating game and wouldn't mind others thoughts. Maybe I'm just overthinking it..but still would love opinion.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Your not coming off bitter, seems your being straight forward reflecting on your experience.

    After my prior relationship ended and I re-entered the dating pool I met many disenfranchised guys similar to what you experienced. I also set a rule for myself - no sex with a guy until I get to know him. I did this because I wanted to make sure the personal connection outweighed the sexual connection where people can often confuse personal chemistry with sexual chemistry. I did not want sexual chemistry be the foundation for entering into a relationship. Although I do believe it is a very important component after I get to know a guy.

    So, why am I raising this even though you did not mention anything about physical intimacy?

    My perspective, and experience from when I was dating prior to meeting my current boyfriend, is that most gay guys base their interest on sexual chemistry; and the chemistry is established pretty quick after meeting someone and most often when people first meet.

    I did hold out and continued to date, playing the numbers and meeting many guys; while having the occasional casual encounter. I then met my current boyfriend (we are six months together now). After we were introduced by mutual friends we went on a handful of dates over a few weeks before we agreed to be sexually intimate. To the positive, the sexual chemistry was aligned with the personal chemistry we had established over the prior weeks.

    In the gay community sex seems to be an extremely important factor in the dating scene. However, to the extent your dating to get to know someone I would suggest you have patience and meet as many people as possible. The more you meet the better the odds of meeting someone you truly connect with.

    During this period, I think you need to accept that guys will loose interest quickly if initial meetings don’t progress to sex in short order.
     
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  3. OGS

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    Since you don't mention sex I'm going to assume that you are talking about dating rather than "dating."

    It seems to me that if any part of what you are describing is "new" it's your reaction to it. It seems to me that you are taking dating as an application process--the purpose of the date is something else so by the end of the date or shortly thereafter you know whether it's going to "work out" and you let the other guy know.

    For me, and I'm thinking possibly for the guys you're meeting, the date is a thing in its own right. It's a nice evening out with a guy you're getting to know. Maybe it's a dinner and drinks, maybe it's bowling, and the only way it doesn't "work out" is if it's so terrible that you actually can't make it through ten frames. Afterwards maybe you're friends, maybe you just nod at each other at parties, and maybe if the spark is there you date some more

    I think most people tend to assume the other person had roughly the same date that they did--I know I always found it jarring when it becomes apparent that the other guy was on a totally different date and his date was going either much better or much worse than mine. So when the spark's not there there's really no reason to belabor the point, you just go on--until the other guy either asks you out and you decide to say no or it just becomes apparent that this guy thinks you're dating, which in the absence of him actually asking you out again takes a fair amount of casual conversation to emerge--say about three days.

    I don't think there's anything particular nefarious going on, sometimes he's just not that into you. Hopefully the next guy will be...
     
    #3 OGS, Feb 11, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
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  4. Revan

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    Thanks for your thoughts folks. Any thoughts though about the other part, the three day delay before saying "bye?" I know it's not something one can change, but just curious if anyone's experienced this delay in hearing from a guy. As mentioned I'm fine if there's no spark, just seems odd that guys wait several days before letting me know and in some ways leading me on as a result?

    Also, OGS I appreciate your thoughts on this because I never thought of it in the way of an "application process" and thinking about it, I think I have been kind of approaching it as such. That I'm checking off boxes (good education, good personality, good job, common interests, etc.) Maybe need to rethink it and just go in wanting to meet the guy and just see where it leads. Maybe then too I won't feel as disappointed if it works out after thinking wow meets all my "requirements."

    And OnTheHighway I agree that some may be hoping for sex, though hasn't seemed that way but perhaps is on their mind. And none of these guys I've ever asked to go home with cause I'd rather see where it goes than jump in bed.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    Just throwing out ideas here but a lack of response is probably a few things including there desire to keep their options open for a bit while the person decides, the perception that a game is being played without recognition that there are real feelings involved, their own experience being in the same situation you find yourself leading to “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” type reaction as wells as just being unresponsive due to other priorities in life.

    Whatever the reason, try not to let it get to you and keep pushing forward.
     
  6. Chierro

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    I've definitely experience talking good with a guy for some time and then having it just...end suddenly, but I don't think I've ever noticed a pattern like you mention with three days. Definitely odd, in my opinion. I'm used to talking with 18-22/23 year olds mostly, so I'm used to guys being flakey and not up front about things right away, I would've thought that guys in their late 20s/early 30s would be more upfront about interest.

    I know that sometimes I've waited with a guy because I need to think things over, or they're nice but after hanging out I don't really feel anything, it's...complicated. I know with one guy him and I talked for maybe two weeks before meeting up and I really enjoyed our conversations but once we were actually together I just...didn't feel anything. But, he was really nice so I gave minimal responses instead of doing what I should've done and just been upfront about not being into him.


    From my perspective, I guess it depends on how you're coming across these guys. In person? On apps? Through friends? If apps, which ones? (Not actually asking for clarification since we can't discuss apps by name here.) Since I know I've had different experiences with guys on different apps. On one, it's mostly guys looking to hook up and have sex and not date, let alone just have a conversation. Whereas, another, I matched with this guy and we've been talking pretty much daily for about three weeks. With the latter, we started off talking about common interests and still do somewhat, but then we also have the sexy Snap conversations. However, if we were physically closer, I could see us actually spending time together.

    There are still good guys out there who have the common courtesy of saying things instead of holding out. I know my biggest issues with guys, especially with apps, is that when they're not interested, instead of just saying so, 95% of them just block. I mean, I've blocked guys but mostly like...creepy guys. I've always really appreciated the guys who are upfront and say, "Sorry you're not my type, have a nice day."
     
  7. Devil Dave

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    At least you're getting rejections. I just get ignored entirely by the guys I've been meeting.

    Personally, I'd be ok with a delayed response. My situation is that I'm very inexperienced when it comes to relationships, and even if I've met a guy who seems really nice and I had a great date with him, I don't want to jump straight into something. That would be way out of my comfort zone. so after the date, I like to get back to my boring mundane life for a week or so, give myself a chance to see if I miss the guy and feel the desire to see him again, and if I've been thinking about him the whole time, then I'll make contact again and ask if he wants to catch up/pick up where we left off. And I don't get a response. Maybe I've left it too long or maybe he's already moved onto someone else. If they simply don't like me, then that's fine, but a rejection is far better than being ignored.