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Why does this keep happening?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by eismeister, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. eismeister

    Regular Member

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    Hey guys!

    Back again just feeling like I'm going in a downward spiral.

    I got out of a toxic relationship with a woman who used me in many ways back at the end of February. Since then, I've been on dates with around 5 women, 4 of whom have ghosted me eventually.

    It always goes well on the first date, great chemistry, etc. Second dates have varied in success. All of these starting relationships have ended in abrupt or eventual ghosting with a side of flaking off. When I sense the ghosting starting to occur, I always say, "I had a great time with you, but if you're not feeling it, just tell me." Out of 5 women, only 1 was honest with me. I literally have given them the opportunity and get reassured this isn't the case, only to have them ghost soon after. Why does this keep happening? Why can't we be the adults we are?

    This is exhausting emotionally. I go into dating a new woman with massive anxiety that it's just going to happen again. I can't sleep when a girl doesn't text me back within a couple hours. I think I hide it pretty well, but on the inside, it is so painful. I feel like I'm in this cycle of falling for someone a little, only to have them do this. It hurts more and more every time. I know I'm sensitive, but I just don't get why the other person can't see how much it would hurt them if roles were reversed. I have never ghosted someone, and it's a firm policy for me not to. It's not hard to send a simple message and then block the person.

    Last week, I went out on a great first date with a girl. We were out until 2AM. We kissed and the next day she texted me to ask when she could see me again. We met up Friday and had what I perceived to be a great date. She wanted to hold my hand and we kissed at the end. We talked about our schedules this upcoming week. I texted her the next morning (yesterday) and asked her if she would like to go to a summer rugby match since we both used to play. It's been over 24 hours now without a response. I feel like it's happening yet again. I don't know whether to follow up again or if that comes across as desperate.

    I don't know how to play dating games. I'm about as subtle as a gun. I told this girl I liked her. I'm not trying to sound egotistic, but I think that I'm pretty decent in the dating pool. I have a PhD and work in human rights law helping people who don't have a voice in situations of torture. I own my own place now, have no drama in my life, and work out daily and play sport. I'm not a 10 looks-wise, but also not a 0.

    My friends try to assure me that this behavior isn't about me. But, given the amount of times it's happened, I am starting to feel I am the common factor. I don't get why I'm not worth it to anyone. I really am starting to feel like I will die alone and that nobody really wants to be with me. I'm really feeling a lot of pain recently and it makes it hard for me to concentrate and sleep.

    Any advice appreciated.
     
  2. TwoFeech

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    Don't follow up right away. Pick out a specific rugby match, plan to go with or without a date, and when you do follow up in a couple of days, mention that you're going and ask if she wants to accompany you. Go and enjoy yourself whether she responds or not.

    I don't know if it will help at all, but you can try telling yourself that if someone can't send you a text before they shut you out, then they might not be good communicators, and you might not get along well long-term.

    It sounds like you get along well with lots of different kinds of people--five women in a row, and you liked all of them, that seems like you're fairly social and have a lot of options for people you could really like. Even if you feel strongly at first, if you're only in the beginning stages of dating, then texting at intervals normal for your platonic friends makes sense, not necessarily about when you can see them again, but just to share a thought or whatever. And if your platonic friends would not respond instantly (unless it were an emergency), then the new dating friend would not be expected to, either.

    I know from personal experience that is is incredibly hard to shut off compulsive thoughts about responses to something to which you have tied your ego and expectations. You have to have your sleep or you will not feel any better. Shut off your phone for at least an hour and a half before you plan to go to bed. Get a friend to be an accountability partner if you need it. Do whatever you have to to remind yourself not to be checking texts late at night. Remind yourself repeatedly of someone you have in your life who will love, respect, and communicate with you no matter what. It could be anybody, pet, friend, relative, as long as you know they would not ghost you. Remind yourself that what they think of you is more important than what a first date thinks of you.

    Sorry if this wasn't helpful, kinda wanted to let you know you're not alone.
     
    Lin1 likes this.
  3. Lin1

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    I agree with @TwoFeech!

    It seems like you are putting too much pressure on those dates even if maybe just subconsciously, other women can feel this and may be scared by it. You have been on 5 dates and like all of them, do you feel you genuinely liked them or like the idea of dating someone more than them specifically?

    It is super rude to ghost but it is unfortunately part of the parcel of online dating and apps and our generation.

    Don’t link your worth to their behavior because how they behave doesn’t say anything about you. Then not liking you doesn’t mean you aren’t like able or will die alone.

    Confidence is sexy, doing your own things is sexy.

    I used to need people to go to events but recently started going on my own and I actually meet girls now everytime I do because by being on my own I am more open to talking and have more freedom to go for what I want without guilt which is liberating. Plus it takes a certain type of person to be able to go to events or clubs on your own which people usually appreciate.

    Something I like to do if i want to go to a place with someone is set up a date for it.

    I go through my dating list and ask a few girls to join a few hours before the event, most will decline due to lack of notice and if one says yes then I make it a date and if nobody can then I just go on my own and have fun.

    I like to meet people in natural environment so actually going on my own and creating connections is something I prefer over a date with someone from an app :slight_smile: