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Why does the B feel like it matters more than ever?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BeeDeb, Aug 3, 2020.

  1. BeeDeb

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    Hey everyone - I'm in my 40s and married to a man. I've only recently really accepted that I am bi and began quietly sharing with an extremely small number of people over the last few years. In my early 20s I hooked up with several girls, and at one point lived with one in what was a very confusing relationship to me at the time. I did not have a lot of support from family or others, so I learned to label it as "experimenting in college". It felt easier that way.

    A few years ago I had an affair with a woman. This brought reality to a screeching halt and I seriously considered ending my relationship with my husband. Alas I did not. I still revisit fantasies about coming out publicly and actually getting a chance to date a woman and explore that side of myself, to just declare who I am. But are they just fantasies? Am I better staying committed where I am? Why can't I stop thinking about wanting this alternative version of life?

    I know I have internalized shame. I just wonder if I missed out on something by never really giving a relationship with a woman a shot.

    Not even sure what I'm after here, I guess I just wanted to say it somewhere. Thanks.
     
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    You’ve come to the right place. There are people here who have been in the same or a similar situation. I realised that I was gay whilst I was in a long term relationship with a man, so I can relate to the questions that you’ve posted above. It’s a very tough situation and a potentially big decision to make, but there’s no rush, so take time to think through what you really want.

    It might help to write something down, such as a mindmap of what you want your future to look like, or a pros and cons list of staying where you are vs. making changes. Some people also find it helps to think about their sexuality and their relationship separately. So for example, putting aside your questions around your sexuality, how’s your relationship? Are you happy and fulfilled?

    As I said, it’s a difficult situation to be in, so be kind to yourself. Take care.
     
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  3. LaraB

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    Hi and welcome. You said 'alas' so it does sound like you are regretting not ending things with your husband. What is stopping you? Is it fear of losing him or fear of the unknown? It sounds as if this is an issue that keep recurring, so you are right to address it.

    I'm in a similar boat but a bit further down, I've told my husband and we're working out what that means for us.

    It's painful but I am starting to see that we'll both end up better off eventually.
     
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  4. BeeDeb

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    Thank you so much for the welcome, and for the great advice. I suppose I do need to sort some things out for myself, and having kept everything so secret inside myself I of course have never really given myself permission to reasonably think these things through. It was just like a big block of "uh oh" if that makes sense.

    I appreciate the reminder there's no rush as well. It really is tough and a huge decision.
     
  5. BeeDeb

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    I think I need to heed some of the advice to write all this down and figure out all that I am afraid of - and take an honest look at my own shame around this. It sucks but it's true for me. And even though it's a recurring issue, I still find myself trying to rationalize that perhaps it's just fantasy...I don't know.

    Congrats to you for making the choice that will lead to a happier outcome. I can't imagine the struggle but appreciate knowing someone out there can do it. Kudos to you.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    That does make sense. It can be a lot to get your head around. When I was in a similar situation, I had a lot of confused and conflicted thoughts. I found that talking things through with a therapist gave me some clarity and perspective, so that’s something else that you could consider.

    There really is no rush. If you take your time, hopefully things will become clearer.
     
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  7. LaraB

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    It is a really tough situation and I recognise the ''uh oh" completely! And the shame. But it's really not your fault, so be kind to yourself through it too.
     
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