why do i feel the need to pick a side and be exclusively gay?

This has been my dilemma since i was a young teen. Im now nearing to be 21 (girl) as i have no relationship experience with either genders. i admit, ive never been a sex crazed, hookup type of person (not that theres anything wrong with that) or looking at a attractive person even after talking to them and thinking " i wanna jump their bones im so turned on" even after i interact with them lol.

I assumed myself to be straight growing up, considering i was raised christian and the fact i used to believe homosexual actions were a sin. it really wasnt until a year and a half ago, i started to critically think and undo my previous thinking with a really homophobic mother, so im starting to believe i still have doubts cause i could still be trying to undo previous thinking without realizing it?

cause at this point, im more than accepting of my sexuality. like i dont want to be straight. but i admit after coming out , those doubts came back. almost like hocd but in reverse. the biggest crush i had was over a close guy friend for a few years. but it wasnt lust or physical based. it was after knowing him for half of a year and the way he carried himself, that i yearned for him to like me and give me attention. i would have so many romantic fantasies with him, holding hands and kissing. at that time, i did like the idea of a protecting husband and the whole disney prince. i dont think im asexual, but i dont think i have a high sex drive either so its hard to tell. all i know is i have no interest in masturbating.

i do like the idea of sex though as a form of close intimacy in a relationship where youre in love. ive thought about sex with guys, and the idea did seem appealing as in intimate bonding aspect more than lust. so i started to think i mainly leaned more to gay considering if i had to choose sex with a girl or guy, i would choose a girl first. its frustrating though cause lately ive been compulsively checking my attractions in public comparing girls to guys, and i admit i notice both and it stresses me out lol.

and when im drawn to them, its the attraction of their smiles, eyes, way they dress, and the way they talk that makes me want to talk to them more. it gets confusing cause they say sexuality is who you want to sleep with, but mine isnt so based on that and i dont get aroused. and then i notice i get drawn to some androgynous girls and some non-binary people too. but i cant tell the difference if its as friends or more.or just some admiration.

i feel like im all over the place. i realize even with girls i find cute, i may withdraw once they show serious interest cause i have a fear ill find out i wont like them and break their heart. ive seem to act like this with guys as well, cause of the same fear. so maybe its not based on the fact theyre a guy or girl, but just the reality of a relationship and vulnerability in general, or that im incapable of falling in love. even though i am a hopeless romantic and fantasize about a loving relationship.

my other fear is hoping i just end up with a girl but i end up falling for a guy, cause i feel if i do fall for a guy, ill find out i was straight all along and i came out for nothing, that ill lose my attractions to girls completely. cause ive liked the idea of being a part of the lgbt since coming out as "non straight", and i would hate for that to go away.

i know that silly to say cause just because a girl is in a heterosexual relationship, doesn mean shes straight of course. i have found comfort in coming out as just "liking girls and people as someone within the lgbt+ umbrella" instead of a specific label, but the pressure of a label and those ocd thoughts still trigger me sometimes. maybe i have some inner biphobia going on, even though i have no problem with bi/pan people. hell, i seem to be more interested in boys once i find out theyre bi/pan for some odd reason. they say you dont need to experiment to know, and i dont like to view myself dating various people despite their gender as some experiment.

its either we connect and work out, or we dont. whats the difference between a bicurious girl dating a girl and finding out it doesnt work out then claiming to be straight, and a straight girl dating a guy she find out she isnt compatible with? a straight girl wouldnt call the thing she had with a guy some experiment? or start to claim shes gay cause she didnt feel anything when kissing the guy.

the reason why i bring that up cause a straight girl at my gsa meeting says shes straight, but said she used to have a crush on a girl. she realized once she kissed the girl, she felt nothing. but when she kissed a guy, she felt everything and thats when she knew she was straight. whose to say it just wasnt the right girl tho? i dont know lol. some people claim they can still get arouses from touch, kiss, and other sexual acts, but not be attracted. ughh its all so complicated. in the end, i like attention from attractive/down to earth people in general.

 

Yeah, you guys have good points. I'm getting on the right path into discovering more about myself. I guess I've been stressed cause I went on a date for the first time ever, and it was with a girl just recently. We discovered each other through a dating app, and I happen to see her at an lgbt event at my friend's college on two different occasions, so her face was familiar. she eventually asked for my number, then my instagram. she then liked a bunch of my photos and proceeded to text me " im sorry but youre kinda really hot js" lol im not going to lie, that got me smiling more than if a guy were to text that to me, and i was excited of the idea of a really attractive girl being into me and asking me out. like, shes verrrrrryy attractive. the initial reaction did give me butterflies and i was super excited and smiling the 2 days before meeting her. judging by her instagram profile, i had a good feeling her personality would align how i imagined her to be. i planned the first date to be at this really cool farmers market, and we chatted for a bit over an hour. she ended up really liking the place and i payed for her. i realized we had A LOT in common and conversation wasnt dull in the least bit. a lot of the same interests, ideas, and personality type.

what i like how more feminine presenting she is on the outside, but on the inside its more of a masculine contrast. she offered to drive me home and she started to ask a bit more personal questions about my sexuality and dating history. i was honest to say how i never have been with guys or girls, relationship wise or anything physical. how im a cautious person and i take things slow. she understood but was surprised considered she sees me as very gorgeous. she touched my hand and held it for a few seconds to say how my comfort is most important, then proceeded to say my hands are soft lol. once she dropped me by my place, i couldnt help but to freeze up and reach a state of awkwardness when i didnt know how to say goodbye to her.

do i just get out the car? give her a hug? kiss on the cheek? i could sense she wanted something, but i just gave her a really awkward hug and proceeded to to apologize for being so awkward?? lol...and she said it was okay. then i just got out the car. i went back to my place and started to cry because i felt an overwhelming pool of emotions. i felt like kicking myself for being so cringy, and i kept over analyzing how i felt over the date. i dont know if its from watching too many romantic movies, or most people feel more intensely or more quickly than me, but i kept thinking in my mind if i like her as a friend or more, cause i wasnt really thinking of her in a sexual way while i was with her, and when she touched or hugged me, i didnt feel butterflies, but i didnt dislike it. i wasnt feeling the urge to get physical with her, but i did imagine what it would be like and how she would look undressed.

i tried to keep telling myself that feelings delevop over time, and i shouldnt expect some magical sparks so soon...whatever that is. after the date, i wanted to keep the momentum going of seeing her without being too over the top, so i waited two days to ask about her schedule during the week. her college is actually right across from mine, so she ended up visiting mine today and we chatted over coffee. i could really start to tell she really likes me, considering she sat near me, was playing with her hair, put her hands on my shoulder and thigh in a few instances. we talked more about sexuality/lgbt stuff and how she knew she felt she was different. she mentioned how shes a pretty sexual person, and how i mentioned how im not repulsed with sex and i have an interest in it, i just neeed an emotional connection and it takes time.i may also have a really low sex drive. she said if i wanted to label it, that could be called demisexual, and that she feels the same way in regards to being demisexual.

i mentioned to her how all of this is new territory and im just not used to any of this or doing anything. she asked if i like being touched, and i said its fine and doesnt bother me. im just again, not used to this kind of stuff. in regards to sex, she was like "well you wont know until you try" and i had a slight feeling she was hinting if you know what i meaan lol. just a bit. after the conversation, she had to walk back to her car to go back to her campus, so i offered to walk her to her car. before we parted ways, i went in for a hug, and she squeezed me kinda tight and gave a lingering look and smile when i walked way. so again, everything went fine, but ever since then, ive been depressed. not depressed about seeing her, oh no.

just depressed on how lost and over analytical i am. i know its not healthy, and i should i take each interaction as a positive one and not think what will happen next or how i should feel, but its hard to fight it a lot of times. i kept checking on how im feeling around her, how im not getting butterflies and i like her touch, but im not experiencing "arousal" like other people feel. maybe cause im stressed or my social anxiety is blocking things. maybe im repressed... i dont know.

i shouldnt expect anything major to happen after two interactions, but i would like this to work out with her and i want to experience that "fall in love" epiphany. and im starting to want to consider her to be my first kiss and more in the near future. but i want to find the right moment. i just fear if i do it, ill end up feeling nothing. just numb or neutral. i know i should keep open and see other people to compare how i feel, but i believe this could possibly special. i feel like she could be a good match for me. even my friend from her college who knows her and knows a few people who know her feel we would be a good match, i do admit, she has super pretty eyes, nice smile, body, and a wonderful and calming personality. ugh, i dont know anymore.

 

Thats true. It makes me fee better I'm not alone on this, and I appreciate your guys replies. well a little update on the girl. well after she visited me at my school, i did text her later that evening to say, "hey just wanted to say thank you for stopping by. it was nice " its been since wednesday, and she hasnt replied. maybe cause it was a message to just be acknowledged and not really needed to be replied to? idk. we havent talked since then because i dont want to appear clingy, and i dont want to feel like im doing all the initiating, so its like im waiting for her. i logged onto my dating app out of boredom and i noticed her profile was updated with some new pics, and she added "looking for a bae" . i thought the fact she hasnt replied to me and updated her stuff, are not good signs. look, were both single and i get the deal is to keep options open. i mean, i did tell her im a cautious person and i dont want to rush things, but i guess im concerned that maybe i wont hear from her again. maybe she thinks im only showing her interest as a friend and the fact i have no dating experience, and thats not what shes looking for. i dont know :/

 

well, okay. So she did end up contacting me back saying she was sorry and that she was busy with errands and school. so we texted through that whole weekend, keeping me updated with what she was up to, sending me pics, etc. then i texted her 2 days later on halloween to ask her about her plans and whats up. she told me she decided to stay in and how she had a bad day at school. so naturally, i replied to asked her what happened. a few days passed...no reply. the whole week passed....nada. So i waited at the end of the week to text her again, how its been a while, and i really wanted to see her again in the upcoming week sometime, and how i understand if shes busy and theres no rush. she replies the next morning agreeing with me. she told me how she assumed that ive been busy, but that then again, some of her messages have been coming in late to her and how its strange. i told her how i havent been super busy and how i didnt text her too soon after halloween being she didnt reply, cause i figured maybe she had something going on and i wanted to give her space. I sent that on monday. Today is thursday, almost friday and no reply...Im so confused with whats going on. i want to believe her and think that maybe shes not getting some of my messages or getting them pretty late. theres been some instances shes replied pretty quickly, and others more time. but nothing to freak out about.. but i dont understand this case. i wonder if shes just making an excuse and maybe dropped her interest in me suddenly. i mean, she doesnt have much reason to. all of the signs she was showing me before through body language and her compliments have been obvious. ugh...this is very frustrating and im starting to get depressed and discouraged.

 

well, she got back to me. so the thing is, it's true many texts have been slow coming in to her because ever since shes started this new internship job and shes working quite a lot of hours, the reception at the place is pretty bad. then she said that shes honestly looking for something more casual and physical, and she feels i wont be comfortable with that for a while. so idk, i guess were on different pages. i dont know if ill ever be ready for sex or any physical stuff. i admit, i think i have too many barriers/walls. like ive mentioned, my lack of experience can turn off some and im just wayyy too uptight. im starting to think im not meant for this online dating thing tbh, as most people are looking for sexual things pretty soon upon meeting. i do find her sexually attractive for sure, but yeah it kinda stings im just looked at as a casual fling sort of thing and thats it, it seems. of course, theres nothing wrong for wanting casual sex.i mean, i shouldve expected it considering a lot of her compliments were based on telling me how Im hot and gorgeous, and asking about my sexual history. i do appreciate her replying to me and letting me know honestly. oh well.

 

well, ive recognized it enough by being self aware of my fears/walls and trying to work them out myself. although, i have thought about a therapist. i think the fact being raised around a mother and aunt ( my dad was not never religious and overall more laid back/open minded) that strongly believed in sex before marriage being sinful and that people who sleep around are foolish, and that you should save yourself for someone who youll be spending the rest of your life with. only sex within marriage is acceptable and healthy. also, my mom has always been vocal of homosexuality being perverted and an abomination, and in many instances, being verbally/emotionally abusive to me about it. they also believed masturbation and porn to be very bad. i used to believe like this too all throughout highschool. now that im no longer religious, i dont think like that. although, i dont have a current interest in porn or masturbation. and while i dont believe in having to wait till marriage for sex, i still hold of waiting till im in a trusting relationship or theres mutual care and feelings.i fear if i were to have casual sex, i will get emotionally attached and hurt.

 

yeah, thats true. its flattering that im thought of as physically attractive, especially by another girl whos seriously good looking and interesting to listen and talk to, funny, intellectual, etc. also, she lives close which is a plus in an already small dating pool and its not so easy meeting girls who you know likes girls.. and considering any girl ive talked to online in the past lived too far and it didnt end how i liked it. so i get my hopes up and think this could develop into something great. but i guess the reason why it stings cause i have a mentality that if im looked as a casual fling, then perhaps im just a pretty face and nothing more. ngl, i would be interested in getting physical with her but i fear of getting too emotionally attached/developing a lot of feelings after and getting my heart broken, if she keeps deciding to keep it casual. i wanted it to happen organically and over time. no pressures. I want to be known for how i am on the inside...complimented for personality traits. then it gets me insecure cause she may find someone else who will change her mind to go more than just a fling, and i just didnt fit the bill. or maybe shes dealing with personal issues and feels shes not ready for anyone. idk, but yeah, thats how i interpret it. I mean she was respectful in the sense of telling me how my comfort is important but yeah. anyways, i would like to believe myself as a catch and that she would one day change her mind, but i shouldnt expect much. ill still keep her number, but ill just delete the messages and just continue socializing with other people and putting myself out there.