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Why do I feel more comfortable talking about my sexuality with my female friends?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NotQuiteANerd97, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. NotQuiteANerd97

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    Just a heads up, this isn’t something bothering me terribly, it’s more of a curiosity.

    So I’ve been out for nearly six years. My parents know and so do all my close friends, who are entirely straight with the exception of one bi female. While I feel comfortable mentioning it to all of them to a fair extent, when I’m around all but one of my male friends, I feel a little uncomfortable when I discuss my identity and experiences with men. It’s never out of the blue, only when we talk about dating/sex and stuff, and I’ll mention my experiences with women too which feels a bit easier. They don’t seem prejudiced, but I feel like it might make them a little uncomfortable whether or not they say it, and that makes me feel the same way. Like I said, I only feel truly comfortable discussing it with one of them.

    With women though, I feel like I can tell them anything regardless of their orientation. A few of my female friends are really curious about my sexuality and my sexual relationships with men. When I first had sex with a guy, the first person I told was my closest female friend at the time and she was super excited and fascinated. And that’s with close friends. If I’m talking with someone I’m not as close to like a coworker and the topic of relationships comes up, I’m definitely more likely to mention my bisexuality if they’re a woman, particularly if they’re on the LGBT spectrum too, it just feels like good grounds for conversation.

    I’m just curious as to why this is, considering most of my closest friends are men, and I already feel comfortable discussing a lot of intimate stuff with them especially emotional issues we’ve both had. This is definitely not stuff stereotypical guys are good at discussing. But when it comes to my attraction/relationships with men, it just feels weird on both ends. I’m inclined to think it’s because guys tend to be a tad more biphobic on average, but they seem perfectly understanding of my identity. It just feels less awkward to discuss it with my female friends. Any other theories on why this is? It doesn’t bother me too much, since I’m cool talking about guys with girls (and the one guy), but I’m just curious about the root of that awkwardness. My hunch may be correct but I’m curious about other perspectives
     
  2. LaurenSkye

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    Best guesses are the fact that women talk about relationships more than men do. Or it could be a matter of straight women can relate to being attracted to and having sex with men. Or it could be the idea that many straight men are uncomfortable with the idea of gay sex even if they do support gay people. Those are my thoughts.
     
    Rin311 and SemiCharmedLife like this.
  3. Devil Dave

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    I think men tend to be more competitive about their sex lives than women. Quite often I hear men talking about sex as if its a sport, boasting about their skill and prowess and how many partners they've had and how many times they've cum in one night and how long they can keep it up. It's all about bravado. It's not just straight men who are like this either, gay men can be just as bad, if not worse.

    When I talk about my sexual encounters around women, I don't feel like I have to boast or act macho, it's more about what I feel from the experiences I've had, and how the partners treated me and what they were like. I'm just talking about it honestly and not trying to show off and make myself sound impressive.

    And there are exceptions. There are straight women who talk just like gay men, and there are straight men who are sensitive and respectful when listening to me talk about my sex life, and there are gay men I've had long chats with online about my sexual expericence (and sometimes lack of) but generally men seem to treat sex talk like its a game and sharing details about my sex life can feel like a challenge rather than just a laid back chat.
     
  4. Chip

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    I would suspect a couple of factors at play. First, my understanding matches yours that men in general are less comfortable talking about much of anything having to do with emotions; we generally don't do vulnerability very well. And straight men have it even more difficult than gay men, because straight men are expected, societally, to never show weakness... and talking about emotions is often seen as "weak."

    There's also a macho factor at work in heteronormative male stereotypes. So the gay thing, even for guys who are totally fine having gay friends, is still likely to make them a bit uncomfortable unless they've really worked through their own comfort with their own sexuality.

    So what you're describing isn't uncommon or unexpected. There are men out there with whom you can be really vulnerable and open, but those are guys who have 'done their work' emotionally, and it isn't always easy to find those people.

    It's good that you're recognizing it. And I think that as you are more open and modeling of safe vulnerability, you might in time find that you are able to help some of your friends to become more comfortable in that way as well.