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Why are the majority of gay guys so shallow?...we all are a bit I think

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Guywest79, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. Guywest79

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    Just as I scroll through a certain app, it makes me want to say: Why are so many gay guys soooo shallow? Ironically, I guess I have preferences too..but comments like "under 30 only..."...."be fit"...."no fems...." are just like being bullied in high school, isn't it?
     
  2. Biguy45

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    I’d be used to it anyway. I was usually no girls idea of an ideal man either. I always cut down on rejection by never making an attempt. Back then it didn’t occur to me to pursue guys, but that probably wouldn’t have worked either
     
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  3. I'm gay

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    Our preferences have always existed. Prior to the internet, where people actually had to meet face-to-face, and usually at a bar or club, those preferences were still there, and they were used as the reason to say yes or no to someone hitting on you. Now, those preferences are being written into the online profile - but let's not pretend that it's some new thing though.

    Additionally, this isn't unique to gay men. This same thing happens in the straight community as well.

    It would be nicer if people stated their preferences in terms of what they like instead of what they don't like, but in general I think it's a good thing for people to state their preferences. Why waste time on someone so shallow? Wouldn't you rather know upfront that this person is a shallow jerk?
     
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  4. Biguy45

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    Right. It isn’t new or limited to gay men. As I said. I’ve experienced it myself. Of course everyone is attracted to certain characteristics but to dismiss someone who doesn’t check off every box on your list seems shortsighted to me
     
  5. I'm gay

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    It is shortsighted, I agree, and likely to cause a good match to never happen. People shouldn't be so limiting. My point was that I see it as a reflection of someone's character. Therefore, someone who posts "no fat, no fem" or "only into white guys" or whatever is telling me what kind of person they are. Easy to avoid the douche bags then.
     
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  6. angeluscrzy

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    The only one that I can really understand is the one about age. I'm 41, and I had an age range on a profile of 31-51.
    That is more a matter of not wanting to bother with anyone young enough to be my kid. Some guys seem to not be bothered by that, however I just find it creepy as hell.
     
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  7. OGS

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    I don't think this has much to do with the average gay man and more to do with the average person, gay or straight, shopping for sex on the internet.
     
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  8. SevnButton

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    OK, that's what is amazingly cool about this venue, here on Empty Closets: for the most part, I don't know what any of you look like. All I know about are the real thoughts, hopes, fears, aspirations and disappointments and more, with none of the bias of appearance. I feel connected and honest with the community here. THAT is how it should be in the face-to-face world.
     
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  9. Chip

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    The comments are well founded. While it doesn't apply to all gay men, it is a pretty epidemic problem, driven by shame, which leads to a fear of real authentic connection. So if people can stay focused on the shallow things, they don't have to think about the deeper things that are meaningful in relationships.

    This is what's so toxic about hookup culture, both apps and bars. Essentially, everyone is reduced to a picture on a website, or a perception of who they are in a bar or club, based on how they are dressed. And one of the reasons I suggest, if people are looking for authentic relationships, that they avoid both apps, and the club/bar scene.

    You absolutely can find people who are after meaningful relationships, but you generally won't find them in those places. You have to look in places that invite more introspection or focus on common interest/activities... discussion groups, dinner clubs, athletic groups, hiking clubs, etc. ANd of course, there are plenty of people who are fearful of connection there too... but at least there are some that are more interested in what lies beyond the shallow surface.
     
  10. Bazinga87

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    100% right. The dating life is what it is. Lots a crap to deal with but that's not orientation oriented, it's the facts of life. Just now its written on a profile rather than face to face rejection. Some would think it's a blessing that you know who not to pursue
     
  11. Guywest79

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    Yah I did horrible asking girls out..as one who was a teen in late 1980s....whole diff world....i wish I could have fooled around with guys in my 20s
     
  12. Guywest79

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    Good comment..i really want more mean U gful....i guess I gotta dig to find those
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    Sadly, you will find lots of shallow, insecure and judgemental people using apps. I'm not castigating everyone who uses apps, but I don't think I'm speaking out of turn with my original statement either. You have to wade through a lot of chaff before you discover the wheat!

    Genuine people do exist, but healthy relationships are rarely found on 'dating' apps.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Hmmm. These comments are so unlike my experiences using apps to just meet gay or bisexual men. Not necessarily to "hookup". In my area, I have no real choices. The activities for gay men are very limited. For bisexuals, they are, essentially, non-existent. So, maybe that drives the attitudes on the apps here. You can't be a douche or everyone will know.

    I've met the greatest guys on the apps. Pretty much the only way I can meet another bisexual or gay man to just have a beer and chat.

    I've rarely felt judged by any of the local guys based on my appearance or age. I have had some scorn for being a married bisexual. Even when all I want to do is to just socialize. But, I get that at the sanctioned events too. I tried a hike with a group of gay men and when my marital status was disclosed, I hiked alone. Same thing happened at a gay ski day. I get it, but it is judgmental.

    To be honest, if I am looking for someone for friendship or, potentially, intimacy, I am very discriminating. I am only interested in fit men. That's because most of my free time involves some sort of physical activity. I'll have a beer and chat with just about anyone....once. But, I pretty much know if I'm gonna be friends, or not, based on their level of fitness. So, I don't fault other guys for doing the same.

    My wife's physical fitness was a big reason I dated her. So, I guess I'm equally shallow with men and women.
     
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  15. I'm gay

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    Chip,

    While I agree with you in general, you also need to consider that not everyone here lives in an area where discussion groups, dinner clubs, athletic groups and hiking clubs exist for the gay community. They don't exist at all in most rural areas, and even in a small-medium sized city like Reno they are nearly non-existent. For many of us, the apps are all we have. I don't drink or smoke, and I'm 50 years old, so the bar/club scene doesn't really work for me. There are very few LGBT groups that meet (most are lesbian), so without the apps I wouldn't have hardly any opportunity to interact with and meet gay men.
     
  16. OGS

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    I think you have to take everything with a fair amount of salt. People can point out common pitfalls but they can't apply them to your situation. If you aren't encountering the pitfalls people are discussing carry on; if you are look to see if some of the alternatives people talk about would work for you. I have to admit that I've never even tried the apps and from what I hear in my area the apps really are the way Chip says because most people on there really are looking to avoid real personal connection but that's because of the many other options people have where I live. Impersonality isn't a bug of the apps where I live; it's a feature. Where you live that could very well be different partly because all the people here that avoid them would also be on them.

    I know it can be hard to hear the things that seem to work for you maligned. I met my husband of twenty years in a bar and I'd say at least half of my close married friends met their spouses in bars as well. Needless to say Chip's not keen on that either. But the fact is it worked for us because we actually enjoyed it and went out to let our hair down and be with our friends. It was an easy place for people to actually get a sense of who we really are and an easy place to strike up a conversation. Frankly for me it worked a lot better than most of the type of groups generally espoused here. But then I picture the average ECer sitting in a gay bar alone waiting for their prince and I have to admit that people might be better served showing up at the gay book group I used to run, despite the fact that I certainly never dated anyone from there.

    If it really ain't broke don't fix it but if it is at least look at it...
     
  17. I'm gay

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    I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm not really bothered by the apps being dissed in this discussion. There's much truth in what Chip said, and why I agree with his point of view in general. I don't like the apps, but they are a necessary evil in a lot of places. I just wanted to make the point that in many places in the US, and around the world, the ideal way to meet gay people (groups, common-interest events, local parties, etc.) just isn't available. I've seen Chip and others give that advice (I have even given that advice as well), and I know that advice frustrates people because it doesn't work everywhere. I want to caution us here at EC to be careful on how we talk about the apps. It can be shaming to people by giving the impression that if you use the apps, you're just another person looking to casually hookup with guys. IT IS A VALID WAY TO MEET GAY PEOPLE. As Patrick said, however, you do have to get past all the chaff to get to the wheat. Perhaps our advice could be more constructive and offer better ways to use the apps rather than just the blanket advice to avoid them. Believe me, I wish I lived in the Bay Area or Chicago - there would be many, many more options for me, but like many people, I'm stuck here, so I have to make the best of it.
     
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  18. Nickw

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    When I initially came out to my wife. Her comment was. "You cannot NOT be gay and you cannot be gay alone". I live in a town of 20,000. So, how does one do this?

    Well, I got on an app and crafted a profile. My wife and I were not to the point where an open marriage was even on the table. But, I felt I had to meet other gay/bi men. So, my profile said "friends only...no sex". I had a number of responses right away. Guys I still communicate to this day that are only friends...nothing more. They connected me up with an entire subculture of gay/bi men in my area. I was invited to a gay campout within a couple weeks. Sure, there was some wild partying going on. But, for the most part, it was a group of guys enjoying a weekend at the lake.

    I found the guys on the apps way less judgmental than the meetup group I also tried (a big city several hours away has a hiking group that comes to my area once in awhile). Those guys were in it to meet potential partners; so they were not interested in even talking to me. So, Chip is right, I guess. That was where the LTR guys were hanging out.

    What I have found is that one needs to "direct" the apps to work in the way that you want them to. For every party animal on the apps there is another guy like I'mgay or just your normal guy learning about his sexuality and trying to get out there a bit. I have several chat friends. Other married guys who saw my profile and are trying to understand their sexuality and come out to their wives. A couple of these guys have never been with a man yet they are on the apps.

    Like any tool. You have to use it properly and be sure and wear safety glasses.
     
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  19. SevnButton

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    LOL!

    Nick, you answered just the question I wanted to ask: How do you meet gay/bi men, just to be able to talk with someone? The way you describe it, it seems so obvious!
     
  20. Nickw

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    Sevnbutton

    I made sure I told my wife all about the apps. She might have freaked out if she discovered them on her own.