i can't do anything right, whenever im depressed i make my partner (no longer 'girl'friend) more depressed and i act so stupid and say stupid things that hurt them and i make them cry. i don't even cry anymore, i feel the tears, but they never come out, ever. i make my partner feel like i hate them, as they ask me, "do you hate me?" i always reply with no, because i don't hate them, they're the only thing i love, but i'm a stupid idiot jerk, i make them feel like a mistake, but i just want them happy. i hate myself, and i can't stand myself anymore, i don't want to be in this body or this life anymore, why can't i just be a good person, i'm so terrible. i hate myself.
Good for you for posting this. It seems like you need to vent, and I'm sure you'll get some good advice or insight from others here about your situation. Just a few years ago I remember being in shoes similar to yours: feeling like a terrible, idiotic, inconsiderate person, mostly because of hurtful or stupid things I said to someone else. In hindsight, I think it's really important to remember, and truly accept, that nobody is perfect. Accepting this truth can help you forgive yourself and feel comfortable in your own head again. You're 15 years old; don't be so hard on yourself. It's not realistic to expect yourself to execute things perfectly in social situations. You're quite literally still learning. People in all stages of their life struggle with what you're going through. I know that doesn't make your feelings any less real or severe, but I always found it helped to remember that other people struggle with the same mistakes I made (and continue to make), and that I'm not the only person that screws up. Teenage years can be rough, and emotions and hormones make it even harder to break through emotional slumps, but I hope you continue to, and I encourage you to vent here when you need to. Sometimes it helps to just admit somewhere to anyone that you screwed up or could have done something better. That's part of learning life. Take care.
Be honest with your partner and let them know you don't blame them for whatever it is you're going through. You're having difficulty expressing yourself and figuring out your problems, and you are trying to fix things, but it's going to take time. Ask your partner to please be patient with you.