1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Why after all these years my sexuality has now “woken up” (intense feelings)?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sunbird, Apr 30, 2021.

  1. Kweerty

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2021
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Sunbird. I have had a similar awakening lately. Although for me it is for men. Like you I grew up in a family that was prone to homophobia. When I say awakening, it’s really a re-awakening. If I am truly honest with myself, as a teen my first “personal sexual fantasies” were exclusively homosexual in nature. Do you think that you would have had similar erotic thoughts about sex with a woman when you were younger and you have repressed these memories?

    I’m also in a sexually barren hetero marriage and lately I find myself having the same intensely sexual thoughts about being with a man.
     
  2. ramsey1288

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2021
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That is very much me!! Sexless marriage, and all I can think about is sex with a woman. If I am honest with myself those thoughts/feelings started to creep up around the age of 12.
     
  3. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    1,881
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It is truly sad that so many of us due to heteronormative societal pressure worked to hide our same sex attraction. We endured emotional and sexual unfulfilling heterosexual relationships from fear. Only later in life finding that the charade is eventually impossible to continue. I wish I could say that my years faking heterosexuality somehow in the end made me a better or more understanding individual however it did not. It just makes me sad I wasted so many years pretending.
    Coming out and embracing my homosexuality has opened the doors of a new found zest and enjoyment of life. I wish I had had the courage as a young man to embrace being gay and avoiding all the heteronormative brainwashing. I envy gold star gay men.
     
    #43 Contented, May 19, 2021
    Last edited: May 19, 2021
    ErickWolf and sunbird like this.
  4. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Over the last five years, I have thought much about these ideas you shared. And I agree with much of it. For me, having my kids from my "heterosexual marriage" takes much of the sting out of feelings of having lost so many years of denying my sexuality. When I remind myself that they wouldn't be here if I hadn't done what I did, it does make it easier to live with. For them I need to move on and make the best of the years I have left.
     
    #44 I'm gay, May 20, 2021
    Last edited: May 20, 2021
  5. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,268
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For myself, I completely agree with this. Whilst it is possible that I still could have had children, I wouldn’t have my daughter if had done things differently.
     
    SteveBi45, ramsey1288 and sunbird like this.
  6. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can relate to what you write, @LostInDaydreams. Lately, I’ve been listening to my sexual feelings and I’ve learned that, for me, they are about longing for intimacy.

    As I’ve become more accepting of my sexual feelings towards women, I’ve felt a deep healing. It’s helped me enormously to say to myself: ”This is me feeling sexual feelings towards a woman.” I’ve accepted these feelings and it’s opened a window into questions around what is a meaningful relationship to me.

    I feel there are so many different ways to be intimate with another person. It may take different shapes at different times. In a healthy relationship, I imagine I would have an opportunity and willigness to connect with another and grow together, including sexually.
     
    ErickWolf and LostInDaydreams like this.
  7. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,268
    Likes Received:
    2,088
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like you’re making great progress. :slight_smile:

    Sorry if I missed it in one of your posts...have you spoken to your husband about how you’re feeling?
     
    ErickWolf and sunbird like this.
  8. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Just wanted to let you know that I found this inspiring @Contended and I admire your honesty.
     
  9. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @Kweerty. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to what you’re saying. Especially about the re-awakening. I had many helpful souls here on Empty Closets support me by encouraging me to listen to those feelings. From what you write, it sounds like you’re already doing it :slight_smile:

    From all the listening I’ve learned a lot about myself. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally. Some of it is about remembering my childhood and that difficult context, and in the midst of it all a small me there feeling confused and hiding sexual feelings, butterflies and craving for intimacy... I feel like I want to reach out to that kid me now and say ”I’ll let you be who you want to be. I’ll open a door for you. I would like you to experience happiness, fulfilment and a relationship with deep intimacy.”
     
    ErickWolf, Drizzle and Kweerty like this.
  10. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    1,881
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sunbird, I have no special insights into suddenly realizing your true sexuality other than sharing my experiences. I hope in some small by honestly relating my fears, hopes and feeling to help others as EC has and continues to help me on my life adventure.What most of us go through in coming to terms with our same sex attraction is not easy so we all need a support sounding board like this.
     
    ErickWolf and sunbird like this.
  11. Old Dog

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2020
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    My grand daughter
    The grandmother cried last week when the granddaughter announced two things.
    She said, I love my grandpa, and I am gay.
     
    Drizzle and sunbird like this.
  12. Old Dog

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2020
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    She wants to move in with lover by July, I truly wish her happiness
     
    sunbird likes this.
  13. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
  14. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I wrote that I would do this. But actually I’m not sure if I can. I’m so scared.

    I’ve recently felt that I really need to talk to more people about my questioning. I need other people around me to know. The most intuitive idea would be to talk to a friend. And then the immedite after though is “no”, if I’m going to talk to someone it needs to be my husband. That he would know first. Someone on this forum wrote how they felt a rush of authenticity from telling their straight partner everything. I had thought about a similar move, and now I feel I don’t want to do that. I have planned to tell him that I feel I need to move on. I could then go on with my questioning on my own.

    Since my first post, I have accepted I’m not totally straight and have looked at myself in the mirror telling myself I’m a gay woman. That has felt good. When I do this the feeling of needing to tell other people amplifies for me and I feel I’m trapped. I wish there was some comfort I could find for these feelings. Can anyone relate? What helped you?
     
  15. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    1,881
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Once I was able to admit I was a gay man it became harder and harder to pretend I wasn’t. Finally admitting to myself I was a gay man felt wonderful, it was liberating and it felt so right. As time when on I felt I pressing needed to share that so I could be free to embrace a gay lifestyle. It was tough to tell my then long term gf that I was gay however I needed to extricate myself from my heterosexual relationship for my own sanity. I could long live a lie and I needed to be with another man. I told her first, then the world and then my family. Not easy but in the end rewarding because I could live the gay life I wanted without reservations.
     
    Old Dog, ErickWolf and sunbird like this.
  16. NotTooLoud

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2019
    Messages:
    230
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    Washington state
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    The same thing happened to me. I reached a point in life where my gayness was pounding at the door, I think because I just would not answer it before. I finally had to answer, and am so glad I did.
     
    sunbird likes this.
  17. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Did both of you have a dream? A goal? What kept you going, exploring, pursuing ”whatever you were pursuing”? Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to allow myself to dream about a future for myself as a happy person in an intimate (physical and emotional) relationship. Sometimes I feel like a part of me is ashamed about having a longing for the physical part of a relationship. I don’t feel embarassed when I think of the other ways of intimately connecting.
     
    NotTooLoud likes this.
  18. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    1,881
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For me I thought my same sex attraction was a purely physical thing. Physical intimacy with another man was just incredible. It opened doors to passion and sensuality I had only dreamt about. I had never experienced the intensity of a sexual connection with a woman as I did with a man. I wanted more. However in short order I started to feel an emotional connection as well. As it grew I more and more dreamt or fantasized about being in a total complete relationship with another man living as a gay couple. This fantasy continued to grow until I knew this is what I wanted. This is what I needed to finally be happy. Being openly gay was the only path to that dream. It was so worth it. I never looked back nor do I miss any aspect of that old life. Frankly living gay has opened wonderful emotional and physical doors I would have never imagined .
     
    #58 Contented, Jun 6, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
    sunbird, ErickWolf and NotTooLoud like this.
  19. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    483
    Likes Received:
    269
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I think two women together physically is such a beautiful thing :slight_smile:

    I understand that growing up so many of us were taught that it was wrong, something to be ashamed of and something to keep secret.

    I’m sure over time though you will become more comfortable with the idea. I guess we maybe all have to go through a process of reconciling our younger selves with who we are now.
     
    Old Dog, sunbird and Contented like this.
  20. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,279
    Likes Received:
    1,881
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Couldn’t agree more from the opposite respective, two men together making love is absolutely beautiful as well. It took me a while to eliminate the build in heteronormative programming and see the beauty of two men physically together. Just so sensual, erotic and beautiful.
     
    Old Dog and sunbird like this.