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Who am I? This is my story.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JacquesBlu, Mar 23, 2018.

  1. JacquesBlu

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'm not entirely sure why I'm on here or why I'm even writing this post but I have been having trouble accepting myself until recently.

    I went to a private catholic school, may I add - mostly girl catholic school run by nuns -- not that it really matters to my story. But I remember, as a child, that I would play with my girl classmates with their paper dolls, jack stones, and other girly games while my boy classmates would play basketball. I was care free. I was just being me

    Growing up catholic, the idea of being gay never really came up as no one in the family was gay. One day, I was at my mom's store just walking around. And I guess my dad noticed the way I walked. He grabbed me by the arm tightly -- so tight that I felt blood stopped streaming through my arm and asked me "ARE YOU GAY?".. I started crying. He then asked me again "ANSWER ME, ARE YOU GAY?" in front of everyone. I didn't know what gay meant. I was 10. I answered "No" just so my dad will stop.

    From then on, I've attached the word "GAY" with "INTOLERABLE" and "UNDESIRABLE."

    The subject never came up again until I was a freshman in high school. Like I mentioned, I was never the sports guy so whenever it was time for Physical Education class, we had the option to play sports, run or do homework --instead of playing basketball or soccer, I chose to run.

    As an Asian guy in an all-white school. I did NOT have any friends at all during freshman year and I was bullied for it. I remember one of the --what I guess you could describe as-- the jocks of the class threw the basketball at me during class. I didn't react, I just ignored it. Then this one guy, came up to me and asked me whether or not I was okay. His name was Mark, he was a sophomore and a part of the hip-hop dance team. He was quite attractive and that's when I started having thoughts again about "being gay." We didn't really become friends, more of an acquaintance but we spoke to each other every now and then. Our little mingling moments stopped when I moved to a different school

    All through-out high school, I completely shuttered the idea of being gay. I kept telling myself that "YOU'RE NOT GAY, YOU CAN'T BE GAY."

    I couldn't accept myself and treated being gay as a disease, as a CURSE so I dated a girl, went to prom with her. Brought her to the house for my parents to meet. Anyway, we didn't last. I fought through it until I went to college.

    I decided to go to an out-of-state college in Utah where I wanted to start a new, explore and discover myself and my identity. Turns out, Utah was not the best state to discover my identity. The school was great, people were nice but most of the people were intolerable towards the LGBT community. Having these conservative white guys who likes to hunt gave me a different point of view, we started talking about girls, and what our types were. I started ingraining to myself that maybe I wasn't gay. Maybe it was just a phase.

    Curiosity was still strong. I downloaded ######, to try and meet people who were in the same boat as me but the app wasn't the best place to do so. I didn't realize that the app was pretty much a hookup app full of faceless torsos. I ended up talking to a guy named Adam. We both exchanged numbers.

    Adam and I eventually met in front of an empty Little Caesars parking lot in the middle of the night after talking for a few days. (Talk about sketchy)

    He drove. I walked.

    I waited for 20 minutes.

    I was nervous, I didn't think he would show up but he did.

    He came in a white Honda accord. Parked his car. And I went in. I was quite surprised. It was our football team's quarterback.

    We said our "hello's" and had a brief awkward moment. My heart was beating fast and could not contain my nervousness. He asked me what I wanted to do - I said "I don't know. It's my first time meeting someone from ######." We ended up talking about school and our majors --- thinking about it now, I guess he was looking to hook-up that night. He dropped me off at my dorm, and bid our goodbyes.

    I couldn't stop thinking about him. I mean, I'm not ugly, I'm pretty decent looking and had girls that confessed their infatuation to me but Adam was on a different scale. He was the typical jock, think about zac efron from when he portrayed a frat boy except he wasn't and he was mormon. That kind of guy. We didn't talk for over a week and after awhile I forgot about him.

    It was homecoming day. My friends and I decided to go with some of our girl friends/lady friends -- not to be mistaken with girls who we have romantic relationship with.

    No. strictly platonic.

    Our University's homecoming is well known for "Rebel night." It's an event at school where girls would find a guy they want to make out with. I had no intention of participating in the event until one of my friends, Morgan, asked me "do you want to be my rebel kiss for tonight?" I answered "yeah." She took my hands and dragged me in to the fountains. We were soaking wet and everyone started counting down.

    3...
    2...
    1...

    She grabbed my hands and placed it to her hips, I leaned in. She leans. And our lips touched we made out for a good minute or so. There was fireworks. It was kind of romantic. Our friends thought we would make a good couple but like I said. Strictly platonic.

    It was an unforgettable kiss for me. It was my first kiss. Yeah, Yeah, I know I had my first kiss at 19. After that kiss we started hanging out for quite a bit. We even became neighbors. I guess you can say I started to have feelings for her.

    It's the end of our first semester in college. I went back home, and she did too. I went back to Utah after spending Christmas with my family. I had to go back for work.

    (Can I just say that my story sounds like a fictional novel? Has anyone experienced the same thing?)

    One night, I received a text from someone. It was Adam. His message was "Hey, what's up?"

    We ended up exchanging texts for over 2 hours. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie at his place.


    I went to his place. It was 10pm. We ended up watching American Horror Story in his living room and talked.

    Then he made a move.

    He started touching my hands and started to stare at it. Then touched my legs. I didn't know how to react so I stared at him. Held hands. He leaned in to me and we kissed.

    I turned my head away from him, apologized and told him that I haven't kissed a guy before. He said "me too" and told me "I haven't met anyone that I could talk about myself." There was a brief silence. We stared at each other.

    "I'm glad to have met you" Adam said. I leaned to him and kissed him. I

    haven't had this kind of lust before. I was confused with lots of mixed emotion but I couldn't stop myself from making out with him. Sexual tension was strong.

    He turned the T.V off, lift me up and brought me to his room.

    He took my shirt off, I took his. He pulled my shorts down, I pulled his.

    And then it happened... we had sex.

    I remember feeling giddy. Asking myself "what have I just done?"

    Then I fell asleep right beside him.

    Woke up the next day. He made breakfast for the two of us. We didn't really speak much then. I was about to talk about what happened last night and he interrupted "we don't have to talk about it." So we didn't.

    Needless to say, we kept hanging out with each other.

    At this point, I was definitely confused about my sexual orientation.

    I only stayed at the University for a year. I graduated with my associates and moved to sunny Florida for internship.

    Adam and I haven't talked to each other.

    Fast forward 2 years later.. I am now 22.

    I've learned a lot about myself from the past years that I was away from home.

    My mind has been going crazy all these time. I had this crazy secret that none of my family know. The things I did while I was away. I felt that I was lying to my parents. The idea of my family not knowing who I truly am breaks my heart.

    I have just come out of the theater from watching Love, Simon. And the urge to come out is strong, but fear is stronger. My mind is everywhere at this point. I'm in my room writing my story contemplating about my life. About what 's going to happen if I come out. Remembering that moment when my Dad humiliated me in front of everyone. I just couldn't bare it.

    Tears are streaming down my face as I am typing this. I want to come out and start a life without lies. I'm so done with having to live my life behind a mask. but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

    The sad part is, I think that suicide is a better option than for anyone to know my secret. I want to scream my lungs off but I can't.


    I feel that I have no voice against my fears.


    I want everyone to know WHO I am but I don't know where to begin...
     
    LukasNYC and 21zephyr like this.
  2. quebec

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    JacquesBlu....As soon as I saw your user name I figured you had seen "Love, Simon". I've seen it twice and read the book twice. It had a big impact on me too. I understand at least a part of what you are feeling as I have been in that same place. I hid my sexuality for decades. It tortured me to the point of suicide. The night I came out, here on empty closets, I was ready to take my life. However, some wonderful people here on EC stepped in and encouraged me, helped me and supported me...so I am still here...and with their help, happier than I've been for most of my life. I made that first post here through a waterfall of tears just as you have done. I've shed a lot of tears since then too...but they have gradually become happy tears. I know that can happen to you too. We are here to listen and help...the fact that you have made your first post (welcome to EC by the way!) is a sign that you are ready to make changes, to start on the road to having a voice against those fears, to find out for sure WHO you are. It won't be easy...but it can be done. I did it...with a lot of help...after hiding from the world and from myself for 42 years....so I know with our help you can do it too. I survived for my first year out with only empty closets to help me... It was incredible, but I came to understand that I needed a person to talk to face-to-face. Don't wait a full year like I did! I found a wonderful LGBTQ-knowledgable therapist who has helped me more than I can really tell you....OK he is gay too .... Having someone to talk with who understood what I was going through...who had gone through it himself (funny enough in Utah!) made a huge difference. Please do you best to find a LGBTQ-knowledgable therapist/counselor to talk too. Check out any local LGBTQ Centers that might have suggestions for you. One of the most important things to remember is YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. Today there are a lot of resources out there....go out and grab some of them. Make the choice to say Enough is Enough, I'm not going to hate myself anymore, I'm going to accept myself and I'm going to find people who will help me take those first steps to my new life, to the new me. Those of us here on EC will be here for you...ask any question you want, share any heartache or problem...there are over 80, 000 of us...there will be a whole lot of people who have dealt with similar issues who can give you a hand...and WE WILL HELP!!

    I'm so glad that you found empty closets...Now...stay with us. Keep posting, keep sharing, we'll offer you a shoulder when you need it and ideas when you have questions. Jacques or Blu or Jacquesblu, which ever...you are part of our family. You are part of the very large empty closets family and the huge LGBTQ family...you are not and never will be alone again.
    ....David
     
    amylase and Destin like this.
  3. 21zephyr

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    JacquesBlu, your story touched me deeply. I lived a lifetime feeling as you feel, and depression and hiding my sexuality almost took my life, too.

    You are young, smart and kind! What your father thinks of you is his issue, not yours. Don’t be afraid of coming out, it is going to release a huge burden and allow you to finally live the life you were meant to live!!!

    Your hookup obviously showed you can find someone and the fact that it was a positive experience is even better. Don’t go through life with unhappiness- taking your life isn’t an answer. If you were gone, you would be a missed opportunity for a guy lucky enough to be with you! The world needs kind people like you, not haters... Keep opening up on this site and to others and you will be amazed at what good things will happen to you. We are all here to support you!!! Keep safe and keep us posted!!!
     
  4. amylase

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    Whatever you choose to do- do it for yourself, do whatever will make you the most happy. EC has your back the whole way through. Sometimes you'll be living through some rocky patches after coming out. Make sure you have at least an irl friend or two to talk to about all of this too, because although you've got us here, sometimes you need to vent face-to-face. Make sure you have a life where you can operate fine without your dad's reliance, as in financially, just to be safe. And try thinking about this from a different angle. Forgiving people for things they do wrong against you helps your own emotions. If your father acts horribly about it, forgive him. Know that you've done nothing wrong, and hope that he can realize what he's done wrong and forgive himself too. It's a hard thing to do but will keep your father from haunting you, because by forgiving him you're putting yourself in the place of higher power. I know thing can be messy right now but you'll be looking at this old EC post in a year or two from now and realizing how much life has changed since- nothing is permanent and that's sometimes a good thing.
    Best of luck in whatever you do :slight_smile:
     
  5. HDIGH

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    I can't say anything better than what others have said before me but I want to add my voice in saying you are NOT alone.
    I only found this site a short time ago and the support and seeing people with the same questions I am asking myself has helped me and I hope you let it help you too.
     
  6. Dlud

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  7. Dlud

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    Bro ur good. I actually just came out to my mom a week ago n the middle of love simon i walked out of the theatre n called her. It actually went really bad but at least I did it n 2 days later she hit me up. I havent responded yet but I know I can. We only have 1 life bro so 1 foot n front of the other
     
  8. LukasNYC

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    You are a good guy, I can tell from the way you wrote your story. I had a story similar to yours. I have been bullied and I grew up in a catholic environment where everyone was afraid (is still afraid from my point of view) to be her/himself. Don't let your fears decide for you. Just be you. If you want to hang out with guys, just do it. Nobody should really judge you for your choices. It is your own life and you are not doing anything bad.