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Which of the following coming out options is the best?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Xemptor90, May 24, 2019.

  1. Xemptor90

    Xemptor90 Guest

    Background Story:
    I've been raised by a single-mother and I have always been an only child in a Christian fundamentalist household. I actually started questioning my religion during my freshman year in high school. I've known since junior or senior year in high school that I'm no longer a Christian. I'm not an atheist, but I would identify best as an agnostic who is interested in a new age path. My mother is somebody who puts religion before anything, so I'm quite scared to tell her. In the past, I've had certain arguments with her on social issues which end up being quite tense with yelling/shouting. I feel that now is the time that I need to tell her about how I feel about her religion now. In addition, keeping this secret to myself has taken a big toll on me mentally and I'm not willing to hide this for another 6+ years. At this point, I don't care if she demands me to leave her house because I want to learn how to be independent anyways. I've already written a letter that expresses that I'm no longer a Christian and why I don't identify as one. In the letter, I've also mentioned that I am LGBT which is part of why I'm no longer a Christian. I feel that writing a letter is the best way to divulge all the thoughts that I need to, without any interruption or tension. I'm currently in an out-of-state university but I'm very close to graduating. Before I graduate, I plan on discussing this issue with a few more people associated with my university and getting their contact information so that I can have people to go physically or vocally. I do not have any other family in my hometown state so the folks at my university is my second family/support group.

    My dad is a deadbeat dad so I know he won't do anything to aid in my situation. I don't have any open-minded family members and again, I'm an only child.

    Here are my options below:
    Option 1)
    Confess this during my last semester in college, in other words before I graduate. Give my mom a physical copy of my confession letter before I travel back to my out-of-state university or email it to her within the first two weeks to school. Allow her to call me since we are in different states and allow her to fuss at me. If things do not get better after meeting with her after graduation, ask my folks at the university to arrange a flight and get a job.

    Option 2)
    Hold this secret all the way through and wait for my mom to travel with me back to my home state after graduation. Right after I come home back, I pack the stuff that I need to leave my home officially. Leave the letter on the door so that my mom knows that I left home (not providing the location, of course) and why. Head over back to my folks in my undergrad university to stay and get a job.

    Please let me know which choice is the most appropriate and why. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to add them.
     
  2. GayTurtle

    Regular Member

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    I told my parent's I didn't believe in god when I came home for thanksgiving in my senior year in college. I chose to tell my parents at dinner near the end of my holiday stay. I used those words ("I don't believe in god") instead of describing myself as an agnostic atheist (which I generally use to describe myself) because I thought it'd be the most direct unambiguous way of expressing my position without using loaded terms. They were immediately confrontational ("So what DO you believe in?!"), at which point I told them I didn't want to talk or debate about it right then, I just wanted them to know that I don't believe in god. They dropped it (although I would have refused to discuss it if they hadn't), and it hasn't come up again in the ~4.5 years since, although I would have been willing to discuss it if they had brought it back up after that night. It was hard, but I think this minimalist approach worked well for me.
    Clearly your situation is different in a variety of ways. I'm still completely in the closet, for one (one step at a time :grin:) and I'd call myself an atheist, but maybe my story here gives you some inspiration.

    Personally, I'd suggest against the letter approach. I understand the appeal of writing it all out, and in theory it sounds nice because you get the chance to fully explain yourself and all your feelings. I think it's also much easier than telling her in conversation. However, I guarantee that no matter how thorough and clear you are in your letter, your mother will be left with many questions. Moreover, I think it will probably feel very cold and alienating to your mother to get a letter like this. Kind of like getting an impersonal break-up text. It will probably feel much worse than if you told her in person, or at least on the phone.

    Regardless of the method you decide to use, if you think there's a real possibility of estrangement here, I think it's best to make sure you have a real stable financial & living situation for yourself otherwise. Jeopardizing your livelihood is serious business, especially at such an important turning point (graduation) in your life. But there are lots of ways to go about this! I would suggest that you focus on getting a job first, and tell your mother after that. You wouldn't have to wait longer than that. At that point, you'd still have many options to tell her - you could tell her on the phone, or via an email if you keep with your letter approach, or in person if you visit for the holidays at some point. If your worried about it being stressful until then - maybe there are other options to reduce that stress? If you have flexibility in when you visit home, perhaps you can schedule visits to avoid religious services, for example.

    Anyways, good luck! I hope your mothers reaction is better than you think it will be. This stuff isn't easy.
     
  3. Socky

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    You should write it instead of e-mailing it.

    I don't know how to explain it...

    ..its more human?

    And be careful; be the bird that flys after it leaves the nest, not the one that breaks its neck.

    Does she love you? Enough to accept you? She is Christian, right? Huh....

    Why don't you just tell her when you feel like it and make up your mind not to argue? If she's an idiot about it just leave with your bags packed and don't tell her where you're going, kind of like you planned. That's what I would do.

    Gives you both closure....maybe she'll even come to her senses.

    ..but don't be rash.

    I dunno. That's my advice.
     
  4. Geochick96

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    IDK if you are still looking for advice on this issue, but I personally feel option 1 would work well, but have a good financial base ready (job/living situation) in case it goes the worst way. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you!!
     
  5. Curiofurio

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    I'm almost completely in the closet haven't told my religious parents I don't believe in god, so I can't offer any advice, but I just wanted to say good for you for having set options and being so brave. ☺️