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Which donor would you pick in my situation?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Alisha5566, Dec 3, 2020.

?

What type of donor?

  1. Pakistani donor

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. White british donor

    3 vote(s)
    100.0%
  3. Mixed donor - white and pakistani

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Alisha5566

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    We are a female same sex couple, I’m Pakistani and she’s white

    Pros of a white donor:
    More variety of white donors. The children sharing her white background, easier for life in britain if they’re paler skinned and won’t be affected much by racism

    Cons of a white donor:
    Her biological child will be fully white and I wouldn’t want my child to feel excluded from my cultural background and community or shamed if they feel more of a connection with it

    Pros of a pakistani donor:
    Both of my children would share my ethnic background, so could freely embrace the culture without feeling left out as it’s my non-biological child’s culture too

    Cons of a pakistani donor:
    My biological child could wish he/she had white heritage too. Facing more racism if darker skinned
     
  2. Lin1

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    Who will be carrying the child? I would go for the donor opposite whoever is carrying the kid personally.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I would not pick a donor based on race or cultural background. I would base it on health. The cultural background of the donor is totally unimportant as your child is going to be raised by you not the donor and culture is totally programmed in and is not passed through genetics.
     
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  4. Lin1

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    I would disagree with that. As a mixed–Race individual race plays an incredibly important part in someone’s upbringing and how they relate to their parent. My mom is white my dad is black and I am Mixed yet I struggle to relate to either of them and they struggle to relate with me because they don’t understand what it’s like to be Mixed, yet I also relate to both of them in some aspect due to being mixed. If I was 100% black I would feel further alienated from my mom and her family (white) as there are drastic things that come with being black that a white person simply can’t possibly ever grasp or understand, there would also be much more expectations from my black side to "behave as such", if I was 100% white I would feel totally alienated from my dad and his culture because I was born in a white dominant environment where bypassing African culture and customs is easier. I would have a totally different life completely unaware of the things my black relatives might experience other than anedoctally and would probably fail to grasp major element like racism and my role in it despite the familial link (which is what’s happening between the white side of my family and me and my similarly mixed siblings).


    Race is a major factor and determinator in someone‘s life. Bringing up a white kid or Pakistani kid will have totally different ramifications and totally different challenges. It’s a big thing to the same title as health as it equally determine someone’s quality of life and Identity and how one might be perceived/treated.
     
    #4 Lin1, Dec 4, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2020
  5. QuietPeace

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    @Linning both of the people that raised me are white and I appear to be white (I have no clue who my sperm donor is) and yet with that in common I cannot relate to either one of them.

    If they want to get rid of all disadvantages and such then they should not as lesbians be raising a child nor as a mixed race couple should they. Even if they choose the child to be 100% white or Pakistani the child will come from a mixed race family and will have opposition due to that. That also goes for having two mothers.

    The child is already gaining from the privilege of being raised in a northern economy nation. I feel that the best thing that they can do for their childs future is not related to the race of the sperm donor but by raising the child in a caring and accepting environment. Build a circle whether of friends or including family relations which are supportive and can all make the child feel accepted for whoever they are, whatever race, sex, gender, orientation, abilities, neurotype etc. Let the child know that whatever they do in life they will have backing, that is what counts most.
     
  6. Lin1

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    I am sorry but again I disagree with that. The same way having black family doesn’t mean you can’t be racist. Raising a black kid within a white family or a white kid within a black family would be a completely different experience for the kid than being raised within a family that matches their background. It doesn’t mean that the kid won’t be loved, supported and thriving. But like I said race plays a massive impact on how people perceive you and the challenges you face, it can determine how your own family perceives you either positively or negatively (me and my siblings are definitely the ugly ducklings of my family in comparison to my white cousins on my white sides and grew up being called "little niggers“ which my aunts pretend was out of endearment and jokey rather than ill-intended but clearly shows differences and still suck), it can also determine the amount of support and understanding you get from your extended family (my white side hates admitting that racism is a thing and calls me and my siblings “sensitive” for pointing out that it does, my black side on the other hand would get upset at us not 100% “acting black” and adopting the European culture.) and just your overall quality of life.

    You might not have experienced this because you seem to match the racial background of both your parents, but trust me when I say this make a massive difference. Like yes you might still not be able to relate or connect with your family regardless, but it’s completely different to not relate to someone in terms of personality than it is to relate in terms of Race and culture.


    Because they are a lesbian couple and will go through extra step to bring this baby to the world they have a duty of care to make the best/least impacting decision when it comes to the race of their baby. If they pick white, by default this child will have a much-easier life, and while his race (hopefully) won’t change the love and support he gets within the family, he/she will have a much more accepted presence within society, now if they get a Pakistani child it comes with the understanding that this child might face racism and discrimination outside of the house but what does it mean for the family? Would the child be more embraced by the Pakistani side of the family if he is also Pakistani and look like them especially if he is not related to their daughter? If so that’s worth considering.

    either way no doubt this child will be loved and supported by his moms but let’s not pretend raising a white kid or a child of color makes no difference and won’t impact him/her because that’s wrong.

    I grew up wanting to rip-off my skin and rejecting my black side. I would have paid to be white and this feeling was drastically increased by the white side of my family’s casual racism and clear feelings that white is superior/better. If I was white I would have had totally different experience with them, so my race 100% impacted (and still do)
    my family relationship, as well as how society perceives me/my overall quality of life AND how I felt about myself growing up.

    I appreciate you were born from donation so your feelings/view is totally valid on that topic but you do seem to undermine a little the importance of race in our society and even within family units, I get that you haven’t had to face that yourself so that’s probably why, but saying that living in a northern economic nation means that love and support is all one needs is drastically underestimating how much casual and not so casual (aka systemic) racism there is in western economies especially towards Pakistani and other minority groups, which love and support from parents don’t really protect you from which is why the choice to bring into this world a white kid or a kid of color is an important choice that can and will be a determinant factor for the entirety of said kid’s life which is why it shouldn’t be underestimated and should absolutely be thought-through.
     
    #6 Lin1, Dec 4, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2020