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Where you are meeting people?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by r2de2baca, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. r2de2baca

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    How come whenever someone on here says they experience a negative gay sterotype someone jumps on them and suggests that it is a one-off and that its based on something the person must be doing or where the person must be meeting people? It is like people experiencing these sterotypes are somehow blamed for experiencing them or that they almost never happen. Sterotypes suck and there are good people and bad people in every group. But in order to help those in the community and to help raise the community and make it better you cant turn a blind eye to the realities in that community. So if someone on here is experiencing something do not discount it as an outlier when in fact many gay men experience the same thing
     
  2. justaguyinsf

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    You're right ... the attack comes because you shine the light on many uncomfortable truths that many gay men don't want to acknowledge, so it's easier just to attack the bearer of bad news with made up words like "hetero-normative" and so forth.
     
  3. r2de2baca

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    Yea or homophobic. That sucks when people are coming here for help and they are attacked or labeled.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Justaguy

    I've tossed out the word "heteronormative" plenty of times...it is in Webster.

    You and I disagree plenty when we discuss the "morality" of the gay community. But, I hope that you don't consider this a personal attack on how you feel. I apologize if I made you feel this way.

    Sometimes statements cannot be left standing without some clarification or discussion. I know I have been on the receiving end of what have felt like attacks but before the conversation has ended I have learned something about myself and the other posters.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Do you have an example of how your feelings were dismissed? Most of us are here to learn or help.
     
  6. justaguyinsf

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    Hey thanks for the response Nickw. No I haven't felt attacked by you or anyone here ... I think people are sincere but I just sincerely disagree with them sometimes. I do feel frustrated because I don't really have a place in the gay community due to its narrowness and conformist tendencies. I think the "-phobia" and "-normative" words are a problem because they tend to be used to stop discussion and really looking at the pros and cons of something. For example, calling traditional marriage "hetero-normative" as a short-hand epithet for "worthless" or "out-dated." After you throw out a bomb like that there's little left to talk about, which is a huge problem in our country today.
     
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  7. Filip

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    You know... I can't speak for everyone in all situations. But I DO also feel like it's just a matter of what advice can be given in a given setting.

    This is a forum where most people come to get other people's advice (and hopefully stick around for paying it forward and just socialising, but still). And so the advice tends to tip towards what can you can actually do. If I see a complaint about horrible gay community, and I want to weigh in, I can essentially just offer the following:
    - It is sad that you're stuck with people who are somewhere between less than friendly and actively horrible
    - Regardless of what that group is nice, don't lose hope, there ARE nice people out there. Anecdotal evidence: I have a great group of friends!
    - If your current options suck, keep looking for other people. Have you tried places X, Y, and Z yet?​

    Of course, it'd be nice if there would be any advice I could give to actually fix those toxic people you're currently stuck with (and, by extension, all the ugly sides of gay community)
    But I don't know them and even if I did, I don't have the ability to communicate with them. So quite often there seems little use dwelling on the bad and focus on what YOU can do.
    On top of that, sometimes issues ARE pretty specific. I had to google what a circuit party was the first time justaguyinsf mentioned it. To this day, I"m not convinced they exist in Belgium. So it's sometimes quite hard to relate a full 100%

    I could obviously share horror stories of my own to commiserate (in fact, after a single mildly bad experience, I haven't had the courage to meet new gay people for close to 8 years, now). But again, personally I want to motivate people, not make them conclude "the world sucks and so do all gay people".
    So positivity seems to be the way to go. Even if it has gotten me feedback that I'm obsessively glass half full and don't want to see the good in the world. It's just one of the limitations of the medium of an online advice forum.

    Still, it is a good point that it can sounds like sugarcoating the issues or not taking you seriously, unintentionally or not. Sometimes it's good to remember that.
     
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  8. r2de2baca

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    Several from reading previous posts. Usually it's the same people doing it.
     
  9. Shell87

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    I can openly say that I have had mixed reactions to being lesbian. I have had many raised eyebrows and looks from parents who think I shouldn't be holding hands with my girlfriend because there children can see. I have had comments and felt uncomfortable just being me.

    There are times this has made me anxious. There are times when I couldn't care. There are times I do it more because I can. And, there are times I have openly kissed her because someone is staring. In holding her hand I am educating the children of those ignorant people. Despite it all you push back in order to go forward.