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Where to?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by scottsulli, Apr 22, 2013.

  1. scottsulli

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    Hi
    My story is probably pretty typical of those married gay guys on here, but I am having a tough time and I am just going around and around in my thoughts.
    I am 40 and have been married for 10 years with two great kids. I love my wife and we have always had a good relationship including sex.

    Eighteen months ago, I came out to her and told her I thought I was gay. We discussed it and she said she loved me and didn't mind - that she was not too interested in sex anyway. I decided I was bisexual and that that was ok. I was only interested in men sexually, and I loved my wife.

    I was really happy because it meant that I didn't have to disturb my life and come out. I didn't want to face the humiliation and shame, and I didn't want to hurt my wife or my kids who are both under 10 years old.

    Recently though, I have been feeling very unhappy. I have come to realise that life is short and that I am unhappy as I am.

    I discussed this with my wife and she says that she wants to be happy. She understands if that means we need to separate.

    My problem is that I don't really think I want to separate. Part of me just wants to run away, but part of me if very happy in the marriage and wants it to continue. I have discussed with my wife about exploring outside and she seems ok with this (but I don't know if she is just saying that to make me happy).

    So I now have the option of staying on and being unfaithful to my wife (with her permission) or leaving her and starting a new life as a gay guy. Underlying this are strong feelings that I need to be true to myself and that if I am gay I shouldn't be married - full stop. The irony is that during my life I felt pressure first to go into the closet and now - to come out. I have never had a romantic or emotional attachment to a guy and have always loved women - nevertheless my sexual feelings are strongly gay.

    I don't know what to do. I worry that if I stay in the marriage I will end up hurting my wife and kids, and if I leave I will do the same. Perhaps I should just give up and leave her - even though we love each other and our lives together. This is just so strange. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
     
  2. Jeff

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    Well, the good news is that she understands, and understands you, and knows it may mean separate ways. And that you were able to get this far in discussion is a MAJOR MAJOR accomplishment. You are far ahead of the game in several ways.

    In my mind romantic & sexual are nearly one and the same. Emotional being a bit different.

    So you have never had a crush on a guy, and wanted to be around him for an extended period of time? And only had fantasies of sexual contact (with a guy) during sex or playing with your self? While this is kind of personal, it touches on where your interest in men is.

    At any rate, if you are able to explore this interest in men, and keep your marriage intact for now, at least for now, then by all means do. Explore, and be safe, and have your wife know you are being safe. Most often in these cases the wife is not ok with this. So if you have the green light, or even acceptance, if not a green light, then yes, take it slow, try out some light play, and see what it is like.

    But yes, ultimately you may be in an ending marriage. I would consider if I were you - my exit timing on age of kids, or where they are in school.

    I am so happy for you, and glad to read your story, you know what you want, and wife knows, and nobody if crying their hearts out, at least not right now.
     
  3. LateRobert

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    Hi Scott

    I envy you in that you have been able to talk to your wife and share some of your thoughts and feelings with her. I am afraid my wife would not be that understanding as she has trouble separating sex from love. It's great that she is so understanding

    How I wish I would have been able to come out in my 40's. I am having so much stress right now - even though I feel the closest to coming out that I have ever been - as much as I would like to come out, and need to come out - for my sanity, I wonder that if I do not do it now, will it ever happen. Some days I find it hard to even go to work - and am just so preoccupied with my situation, and that itself just creates more stress.

    As Jeff mentioned kids, and where they are in school ... this has been my latest worry.... maybe I should wait another six months until my daughter is finished high school. I am so afraid of causing anyone else pain, and worried about how my kids and wife will cope, that it is just creating this huge ball in my stomach. But when is it a good time? My son is in his first year of high school, so ... not sure. Where do you draw the line? What have most guys with kids in school done? Stay in the marriage until they are finished... in university... married...??

    Robert - Confused and stressed
     
  4. Jeff

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    Robert, one cannot wait forever when one has been waiting so long anyway.

    I personally would wait until daughter is finished with HS, and son gets summer vacation break.

    But it really depends on your own mental health as well. If you are cool with six more months, then it gives you time to plan. If you are fine with 2 years and 2 months, then so be that. Unless your son is exceptionally strong, mature, and independent, if that is the case, no worry about him. Does he know anything about gay men? Does he have gay friends? Is he an uptight jock with uptight friends? Just as we are all different so are the kids.

    If I were in a tight bind with uptight kids and uptight wife, I am the type that would divorce first come out to them later, much later.

    Some men who are in the closet have continually bad mouthed gays to their families over many years. This also makes coming out that much harder, and makes the kids that much more confused by the revelation.
     
  5. skiff

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    Scott,

    Tell ya, we married gay guys need a team logo. :slight_smile:

    So many threads of so many men's stories all so similar.

    I have waited for both children to be over 18. Being a stay at home I watched them grow into young men and my day to day job as "parent" has ended. So now I am free to move forward with my life.

    It was not "easy" keeping up the lie and maintaining a loving home. You have to literally impose it on yourself. Swallow the desire, swallow the frustration, avoid the temptation while keeping everybody but yourself happy. The children took priority over my happiness.

    You know people say they would die for their kids. Well giving up a little happiness for a few years was a lot easier than dying. There was always a light at the end of the tunnel as they are not children forever. It is not all bad.
     
  6. scottsulli

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    Yes, but I don't think I can wait another 10 years. I would give my life for my kids but I don't think my coming out will kill them. What I think is that living with a phony dad for their childhood is going to be worse than coming clean and letting them love or hate me for who I am. In the end I am responsible for my own happiness. They are too young to understand but if they could I think they would tell me that I should be who I am.

    Sure their lives will be different with an openly gay dad but I don't think they'll be ruined. Their mother and I both love them so. I remain in love with my wife but I can't stay with her because it is killing me inside.
     
  7. Griffin

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    Hi.

    Your post sounds very familiar. I am a 42 yo married gay man, though I have only really acknowledged to myself this year that I am gay. I have debated for months whether or not to come out to my wife. I give you huge credit for coming out to your wife- at least the two of you are working on the issue together.

    I can understand the difficulty you face - hurting everyone by being unhappy in your marriage and life, or hurting everyone by coming out and living as a gay man. I have the same struggle. I guess the question becomes which is the greater hurt - lying to yourself and others about who you are or being honest and living that truth. I know it's not easy, and I have been at a standstill on making any decisions for more than 6 months.

    I agree with other posters that if you have the option of being with other men while still married (with your wife's full knowledge), you'll know soon if living as a gay man is what would make you happy. Decisions may become clearer. And, like you, my kids are the biggest concern. They are both under 12, and I am very close to them. The thought of not seeing them daily, or worse, is what stops me when the urge to come out is strongest. My thoughts now lean more toward hanging on in the marriage until the kids are out of the house and then coming out. I just am not sure if I can hold on that long.

    Posting and reading on EC helps alot. You are not alone in your struggle...there are many like us on the boards. Keep posting...we understand and are here to listen and support each other.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    I feel for you guys, I really do.

    I have stayed married for far too long "for the sake of the kids" and have endured for far too long an angry wife....and no sex life with her.

    Sometimes we can be too strong. Putting so much energy and effort in the wrong places, like maintaining a dishonest relationship, one that is, in the end, unfair to her.

    Hurt there will be, but, in hindsight, I would prefer the short, sharp, shock of a clean break rather than the endless and soul-sapping low-intensity misery that I have endured, and am mercifully ending.

    I am moving out this Saturday.
     
  9. wrhla

    wrhla Guest

    So many of us here are in the exact same situation. Wives or longtime girlfriends. In many ways a happy marriage. Or had been up to recently.

    And I'm in exactly in your situation in terms of what I think I would like as a resolution: to stay married to my wife of 23 years, but feel free to have sex with men, especially since she thinks she has lost all interest in sex. (Not for the sake of the kids, since I don't have any kids.) The problem becomes obvious pretty quickly. If I want to remain in a committed relationship with my wife, then I'm placing limits on what sort of relationship I could have with a man. And I think that would be unfair to any man I might want to get involved with.
     
  10. Eric1962

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    Hi,
    I'm in somewhat similar situation with a preschooler. I agree you can't wait for kids to grow up. They'll be happier and healthier if you are too. You and your wife will need to figure out what's best for your family. My two cents.