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Where do I go from here

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by blue3011, Jan 21, 2016.

  1. blue3011

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    So....last night I came home from work to the usual welcome that has become my life.Daughter in her bedroom, wife preparing dinner.There's the usual brief greetings and then usually nothing else said for the rest of the evening.
    This is how its been for a good years now.Life isn't good on any level really and I accept that I've become withdrawn and have started to close myself off from the family life that I have.
    Out of the blue,my wife asks me "are you gay". I just froze.I'm not that naïve enough to think that she wouldn't know if I'm honest.But the fact that she just came out and asked me, completely threw me. Foolishly,I had left a browser open with my last log in to EC on it.She had gone to use my tablet and there it was.
    I feel completely numb,I didn't really respond in anyway and the night went on as it usually does.It's strange to think of all the scenarios I have imagined taking place when I finally did build up the courage to tell her?But this happening has completely thrown me.
    I guess that this is just the start of the next chapter for me now. I don't know if it will be calm and courteous or raw and full of pain.....she didn't show any anger or hurt when she asked.... Perhaps she has known for a long time?I don't know......
     
  2. Euler

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    I recommend you talk to your wife asap. I don't think she is going to be massively angry - if that was the case she would have already thrown a tantrum or insist you answer the question. She is not stupid. You being withdrawn and depressed and then she finds EC open on your tablet. I mean it doesn't take a genius to put 1 and 1 together.

    Trust me, you will feel much better once you have talked to your wife no matter what the outcome is.
     
  3. Chrissy81

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    Although I would have dreaded such a situation myself, I can't help thinking this might - just might - be one of the best things that could have happened! Probably both for you and your wife. Although now the talk is kind of forced upon you. I certainly agree with Euler, talking to your wife asap is important, she knows what's going on now.

    Best of luck to you! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Pete1970

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    I agree that it could be a good thing that she found out, but only if you are prepared to answer questions. When my wife asked me that question I was not prepared, I hadn't even started therapy yet. Things could have been handled better if I was more prepared
     
  5. JohnnyWisdom

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    Take the bull by the horns and talk to her. She opened the closet door FOR you - that's the hardest part for many of us. I'd give anything if someone had asked me that very question years ago....
     
  6. WhyFreudWhy

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    I'm having the convo with my wife this weekend. I sometimes wish she would ask me that question -- it would make the conversation easier, I think. But we are all at different stages of this journey. Good luck on your next steps.
     
  7. tscott

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    Well, congratulations! It's out in the open and she and you can start the next phase of your life. I went though a similar situation of being caught off guard. Good luck to you.
     
  8. blue3011

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    Thanks for your contribution to this guys.Having had time to think a little about the situation, I know its a blessing in a very odd way.As mentioned.... The door has been opened for me!
    My wife has closed down on me at the moment. Not very responsive to any conversation but I sense something has changed....if that makes sense without meaning the obvious of her knowing about my sexuality.
    I'll keep you posted
     
  9. ConsciousRose42

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    Not an easy time - deep emotions for both of you ...
     
  10. blue3011

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    Hi everyone.... Today my wife and I finally entered into some form of conversation about my original post.It was hard....really hard to accept that we were actually talking out loud about something that I've had many imagined conversation about in my head for years!
    It wasn't easy.Probably the most difficult conversation I've ever had.Since she's gone back to work after talking I've sat here for 3 hours in a state of stunned panic and fear.Despite what I know is going to be a very difficult time in my life.Something that has just hit me is a sense of being free.I'm really struggling with how I could have such a positive thought amongst the worry of financial affairs,my daughter and a whole host of other worries.
    This feeling is just making my guilt of what I've done so much more.....thoughts?
     
  11. blue3011

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    Hi everyone.... Today my wife and I finally entered into some form of conversation about my original post.It was hard....really hard to accept that we were actually talking out loud about something that I've had many imagined conversation about in my head for years!
    It wasn't easy.Probably the most difficult conversation I've ever had.Since she's gone back to work after talking I've sat here for 3 hours in a state of stunned panic and fear.Despite what I know is going to be a very difficult time in my life.Something that has just hit me is a sense of being free.I'm really struggling with how I could have such a positive thought amongst the worry of financial affairs,my daughter and a whole host of other worries.
    This feeling is just making my guilt of what I've done so much more.....thoughts?
     
  12. JohnnyWisdom

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    blue3011, I, too, felt immense guilt along with elation and freedom. It is a difficult period for both of you. The guilt you feel is normal because you see the pain and heartache your truth is causing. It's why so many have stayed in the closet for so long - the fear of the repurcussions and wondering what our lives will look like post-reveal.

    I'm here to tell you, without any tongue-in-cheek, that it gets better. Every day, in some small way, living your truth and living with honesty and integrity will get easier and you will look back one day and these days will be a distant memory. Time softens the pain and honesty brightens the future.

    You've got this, my friend, and we are here for you.
     
  13. whoknows65

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    I've had a few friends on your wife's end of this conversation, and I'd just like to add that I am hoping you do not expect too much from her in the beginning. These things take time, and I think she probably has some legitimate anger around the issue of being misled.

    That being said, your honesty will serve you both well at the end and I hope you will be able to continue down this path as bravely as you started. Sending good thoughts!
     
  14. Chrissouth53

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    Just to add to what everyone else said, as free as you feel take a minute to put yourself in your wife's place. Suddenly she has come to the realization that she's married to a guy who is gay. Her world has turned upside down. She feels she's on the outside looking in.

    Within the span of five minutes during any conversation she will praise you for being honest, tell you the marriage has been a lie, want to rip your heart out and eat it, accuse you of constant infidelity and profess her love to you forever. Ride those waves my friend. They are certainly coming.
     
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  15. blue3011

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    Thank you for the perspective in the last two posts.I completely understand my wife feeling how she probably does....as much as I can do anyway. I feel so sad and disgusted with myself that I've completely torn the life she thought we had apart.I'm taking this one on the chin....because I deserve it!!
    All I can hope is that we both come through the other side of this and are able to be the best parents that we can be .To me that is the important part here.Yes she hates the ground I walk on at the moment but my daughter still needs to see a Mum and Dad that love her very much
     
  16. whoknows65

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    Woooah there!

    My comment about your wife's legitimate feelings of betrayal was not meant as you being a bad person, which seems to be the way you took it.

    You are a victim here as well, as I see it. The reason many of us have found ourselves in similar situations is that we always believed that who we are was wrong, gross or weird, and that we should suppress it. I was married, and I got married because I loved my husband (albeit I could do without the sex) and decided that I wanted all the things a "normal" life would give me, you know, the house and car and 2.3 children. I didn't want an alternative lifestyle, I wanted a regular lifestyle. I didn't want to be the odd one out, I just wanted what seemed so easy for everyone else to get. So I got married. I thought rejecting my sexuality was just a compromise, just like other compromises people make in relationships.

    Thank god society is changing. I hope that ours is the last generation of people who end up in these marriages. However, I sincerely doubt you set out with any bad intentions to "deceive" anyone. You were just trying to be the person you thought you were supposed to be.
     
  17. blue3011

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  18. whoknows65

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    No worries! I think that post was for my own benefit as well as yours lol!
     
  19. blue3011

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    No worries xx
     
  20. blue3011

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    Well its been nearly 3 weeks since my wife discovered my secret.Things have been rather rocky since then.We go from very minimal communication to sudden releases on her part of rage and disgust at me.That's OK...I understand that. I try and respond calmly and answer all her questions without rising to shouting back at her.What good would that really do either of us?
    Out of the blue on Tuesday she suggested I needed to make arrangements to move out.(I'd already made plans in case this happened).I agreed..partly because I feel that some space between us might aid the process of us both moving forward. Secondly because I feel that the atmosphere that is now present is having a negative effect on my daughter.
    So on the Wednesday I let my wife know that I can be out by the weekend. Her response has completely thrown me.She asked me if I thought that it was the best time to do it....its my daughter's birthday on the 12th!Part of me understands this.But then my response to her of "is there a right or wrong time" was met with more rage.
    She says that she is adamant that we WILL break up.She says that she won't lie for me to anyone about my sexuality.Particularly concerning is the fact that when I asked what she was planning to tell our daughter,she said the truth!!
    Our daughter is 9!!!!
    I'm so confused now about what to do .Part of me thinks moving on now would be for the best and aid the process quicker than staying put.Then I question my hesitance of staying....is that out of love or the pain and hurt that is inevitable from being separated from my daughter?

    Views?