I've come to a sort of realisation that I'm not questioning whether I'm a trans woman or not, I feel that I know I am, but I'm scared of or unwilling to accept it so I try to invalidate myself as far as I go by comparing myself to stereotypes and expectations and my own standards of femininity. I think of how I feel I'm too old or too bulky or the situation isn't right and find reasons to not embrace it. It used to be because my ex didn't want to date a feminine man or woman so I repressed it and carried myself as close to how she wanted me to. Before that it was family because I was young. Now my place of work and my work title seems like they would concider it gendered and cause me problems. Can one keep going on like that? How do you break out?
I repressed because of family and society. One time I stopped living as my true self to keep a relationship (total mistake). I even allowed myself to be put through conversion "therapy" to try to stay how society wanted. I broke out of it because I reached the point where it was either live as my true self or die. I hope that you do not have to go that far.
I actually googled conversion therapy a couple times over the past year to try and find a solution to this for myself. I've heard a billion times it's the worst thing ever but it got to times where I thought it was all how I could get my life to be acceptable. Seeing it being said on here that it never ends well and hardly works qnd all the other horror stories always makes me decide against it but I think about it now and again.
I allowed it because I had been programmed from early childhood to be religious. It is essentially torturing someone into accepting living in total misery as someone who they are not in order to avoid being tortured forever by a "loving god". Submitting to it was among the worst decisions in my entire life.
I was raised very religious and Conservative and conventional as well. Part of why I struggle to accept myself is the remnants of those beliefs that were hammered in from toddler till I started questioning it. Often I have to follow the thread to it's origins just to discover I'm still harbouring pieces if which once was disapproval for anyone who deviated from the norm. Like I recently started chatting to a guy and he's been really sweet and I think I like him but then I get weirded out that I'm even thinking of a man like that and my whole mind spins out because I'm used to liking girls and I am amab and this was wrong from my upbringing and... It's so stupid.
I have been through similar things. After many decades of working on it I think that I am at least a little bit freer from it. I now can see that I can find either men or women to be attractive though I more often find women attractive than men. Also, I really need to feel emotionally close to someone before I am willing to be physically involved with them.
At least that gives me hope that it can be resolved. I tell myself I'd make a rather ugly girl when I dress and express myself. I think that no one could love me as I am. I worry that it'd ruin my life if I were to be myself. That what I feel and am is morally or ethically or socially wrong. From your words, as someone who seems more experienced and further along, I like to believe it can get better and be worked on.
I had a lot of these same thoughts. I tried everything to convince myself that I was not trans. I did not want to have to deal with the large task of transitioning. Plus, I was still dealing with some of the shame from my identity being looked down upon at my old church. That was something that really scared me. I also was scared that even with hormones I would never be in a position to fully pass. As time went on, I slowly became more comfortable with myself and my identity. I also did not fit the "typical trans story" so I tried to use that to convince myself as well.
The not fitting the typical trans story is exactly what gets me most days. The naritive and my feelings and experiences seem so foreign most days that I'm just not sure. Plus while I want to transition and be happy I'm scared witless of even coming out at work for instance. So I look for other explanations or excuses. Wait until the hair removal can start and finish. Wait till you have financial stability in case worst case scenario happens. Wait till you're perfectly sure. Wait wait wait. Can't seem to convince myself.
I do not think anyone perfectly fits "the narrative", I know my story is far from what I hear most people talk about who transition. If you wait until the situation is perfect then you never will do anything. I have never had stability in my life, financial or otherwise. Still I am happier living as who I really am than I ever was pretending to be someone who I am not. Even though there are problems I still prefer living as me, I had more problems when pretending. Anyway, who in this world does not have problems?
I think that it might work only if you truly believe in your heart that there is something wrong with being lgbt. Geez. This "typical trans story" doesn't take into account that not everyone has the chance to be in contact with their own feelings and to consider them valid. Like, seriously, medical proffessionals should take this more into account, because as bad as it is, it's common for people to not be taught that they should take their own feelings into account. Or to not have the space and safety for it. Apart from religious or strict upbringing, many people have tough situations to go through and it absorbs, you don't think about sexual attraction or gender when you fight for survival. So, anyway... this typical trans story works for only some people. Psychology in general seems to look too much at stereotypes and too little at what a person is actually experiencing, those so called diagnostic criteria have to do only with outward experiences and bot everyone has the comfort and social priviledge to be able to express outwardly what they are feeling.
Doesn't even work then. I was programmed from birth that being LGBT was not just wrong but completely evil and would result in eternity in hell. That is why I submitted to it. Even with all of that and really believing in it, I could not successfully live pretending to be someone that I am not. I absolutely agree with the rest of what you said.
