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When would be a better time to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Flueqel, May 20, 2018.

  1. Flueqel

    Regular Member

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    I heard many people/youtubers say, you’ll know the right moment to come out when you are in that moment. I’m still confused. To me that moment means almost never. I was in a major identity crisis last winter break after I came back home from college. My mom was bugging me about getting a girlfriend and such, so I texted my best friend 10pm and came out to her that I’m “different”. Then couple weeks ago, I came out to my best friend in college, then a week later to a friend who came out to us during a group chat two years ago. After I came out, I felt so relieved. The three people I came out to had been very supportive. The school I’m attending is quite LGBT friendly, but I’m still freaked out about the whole coming out process. I don’t know who I should and when I should come out? So far I’ve never actually come out to anyone face to face; all three were done through texts. It allows me and my three friends the time to reflect and to draft our responses. Should I change up my game and try to come out to others f2f? It’s more genuine but I’m afraid that I can’t put my words together and freaking out to a point I can’t come out to others if I make any eye contact. Also, I’ve been hinting my parents recently that I am different. If I ever have the courage to come out, when would be a better time to? Any advice?
     
  2. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! Congratulation on your coming out journey thus far! It's pretty cool that you decided to come out to the friends that you did. It sounds like that every time you found a good opportunity to let them know. I don't think it really matters as to how you come out, as long as you feel comfortable with it. I do think you have the courage to come out, and you have already proven it. So maybe it's just a matter of how you go into it. The question then becomes, how comfortable are you coming out f2f at this point?

    Given that your school is LGBTQ* friendly, I wonder, is there a GSA or another support group that you could join? In some ways, having that support might help you to start feeling somewhat more relaxed about it because being part of a support group can help to 'normalize' the coming out process. In other words, you could come to see it as 'not a big deal' when coming out.

    How have your parents reacted to your hints thus far?
     
  3. Flueqel

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    There’s a LGBTQA Resource Center on campus and I’ve visited there once and once only. At that time I wasn’t out and wasn’t so comfortable walking into their office by myself. I really wanted to be a member of the LGBTQA community on campus, but I’m also afraid to take any action on my own. Today I spot a guy checking me out when I walked into a restaurant. We made very brief eye contact; I shy away but can’t help to keep the smile off my face. I really enjoy being out when I’m chatting with my friends, but for some odd reasons, my inner self is opposing the strong will to make more friends/rejecting any opportunity to bring myself out. If it wasn’t the mentally “screw it, I’ll just do it now,” I wouldn’t even be out at this point. I’m thinking that I should force myself out, or I would forever be in the closet. I don’t think my parents are really getting the hints. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Not just my parents but maybe to other people as well, what should I be doing if I want to hint anyone around me that I’m gay?
     
  4. Mirko

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    It seems that a part of you prefers to stay in the closet as it were, which is a quite normal feeling to have when one starts coming out. You are trying to dismantle the protective wall that allowed you to become comfortable to the point where you could start coming out.

    You have done a few things already that will help in overcoming it. Have you tried asking a friend if they would be willing to go with you to the GSA?

    Also, if you are comfortable with it, maybe try going into conversations or chats as if people would already know and mention something that would give it away. Say for example, if someone talks about something they did with their partner or date, you could try responding with something you can see yourself doing with a date - and try to be specific about your date.

    What kind of hints have you been giving to your parents?
     
  5. Flueqel

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    A few people
    I’ve been playing Hayley Kiyoko, Lady Gaga, Steve Grand’s songs quite frequently. I told them I don’t want to rush into marriage and I want to dye my hair(and other things I normally wouldn’t do, to tell them that I’m changing). I also mention a lot about how fast the world is changing, like how fast technology is developing, and quickly throw couple words about how many countries are legalizing same sex marriage.
    That’s the problem. Staying in the closet is safer than coming out of it. Although I really love the feeling when I am out, I still think about other negative consequences. Growing up in a really conservative and religious town, I know coming out is definitely not a safe thing to do, and the three people who came out in high school prove my point. I don’t think wait till whenever I’m comfortable is a good idea; this means I will never be comfortable to come out. Maybe I should force myself a little more to push myself out of the comfort zone. I’m just scared and freaking out, since my coming out journey has been very supportive, but knowing that’s definitely not going to be the same throughout. Now I just want to know, if I want to follow my heart or my head.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there! Given your response, I can understand why you are feeling the way you do about continuing to come out. That said, I can see that you are torn between staying the closet for now, or trying to come out again, even if it means having to push yourself a little to do so. Thinking back about the positive responses you have received, and the support resources available to you, and weighing that against the potential for having a negative reaction from someone, what do your instincts tell you? Listening to your instincts will provide you with the insights you need to make the decision you feel is best for you.

    What have your parent's responses been when you talked about the legalization of same sex marriage, dyeing your hair.... ?